I Know What I Saw

As soon as my head touches the soil and the night settles on my skin, I begin to feel free. Seb, Ebadi, the neighbour, the woman, her face suspended in agony – all of it is far away. Unreal. But I am a person trapped with hands and feet in each of those lives. Blake and Conway both drift away, unenclosed by bricks and walls. Rory, he clings for a moment with Grace and the dollars.

I think of that day decades ago, watching Seb staring into bin-liners of dollar bills. I’d needed somewhere to put it all now that the flat was vacant.

Seb was shocked and at first I didn’t understand why. I walked over to the bags and tried to inhabit his shock – seeing it for the first time, a quarter of a million, in cash.

‘Dollars are a better bet than sterling right now,’ I said, to help rationalise it.

‘Xander?’

‘What?’ I said.

‘It’s not normal,’ he said. ‘People don’t have this much cash in a bin-bag.’ His palms out in exasperation.

‘I just … I just need to simplify my whole life at this point,’ I said and tied away the paper faces staring up at me.

I remember that Nina wasn’t there. But I have the sense now looking back that she was about to walk in on the scene. And that we – Seb – were desperate for her not to see this.

‘And what do you propose to do with it all? You can’t keep it here,’ he said, looking around the kitchen as if I was asking him to put it in a cupboard.

‘Well, where else do you expect me to put it? I don’t have a place yet,’ I said.

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Xander. Why not?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I can’t face it yet. And maybe. I don’t know. I’m still hoping that we can use it. To buy the house – Grace and I.’

He stopped and considered me for a minute before walking around the box to put an arm on my shoulder.

‘Oh, mate. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s over.’

‘It was over before but that didn’t mean we couldn’t get back—’

‘Not over like this,’ he said, letting go of me.

‘What? How can you know that?’

In the gulf between question and answer, I thought he’d begun to understand but I was wrong.

‘Nina told me. It’s finished, Xander. It’s time to move on,’ he said, smiling sadly at me.

And then the memory fades away once again. That life is a dream away, a whole dimension away. I shut my eyes and curl into the thick roots of the shrub. The scent of mulch and wood fill my nose. As I breathe I feel embraced back into the Earth.

I am in the Green Zone. Mayfair. 42B is pulling me into its field again. I feel rested, better. I am ready for this. Only an hour ago my eyes had opened to a sense of morning in the soil, a beautiful dampness rising from dirt that only dawn brings. That smell. Light was shifting and I rolled from under Seb’s shrub and stretched my limbs, the embers of a dream bumping in my head. All I remembered about it was my hands plunged deep into mud, searching for something. Uncovering something. An unburial. I stopped the thought, reminding myself I had to focus. Ebadi. The name repeated in my head until I knew I had to come back here.

I walk past the house, scanning it for signs of life. There’s nothing. The house is cloaked in silence, curtains drawn. I sit on the steps a few houses away on the opposite side of the road and stare. There’s no sign of building work. But even as I think it, I have an idea, the truth of which rings through me. If I get closer there will be something. There will be dust on the pavement. Drops of hardened tile cement on the step. A rogue blister of grout crusted to a gate post. A splash of wet plaster. Somewhere there will be a spot missed.

I cross the road and my heart begins to drum, the closer I get. I am on the cusp of understanding. There’s bound to be something if I look closely enough. Then I am there at the door itself. I study it for traces of work but the door remains resolutely polished clean. The threshold step is smooth. I run a hand along its surface but there is nothing to give it away. Backing slowly up the path, sweeping every inch, I stoop from time to time and fan my fingers across the surface. But there is nothing here, not a single streak of white or bright.

What has happened? None of it makes sense.

Withdrawing to my step across the road, I turn it around and come to another resolution. Each of these subsequent conclusions is the retreating end of a wedge, each thinner and more fragile than the last.