In Laymon's Terms

In the summer, the man on the radio said it only takes ten minutes to cook a family pet or a small child. Today, it felt more like five minutes. Punishment, you said, mommy, because I acted up at breakfast. I told you I wasn’t hungry but you tried to make me eat, anyway. I don’t like pancakes. You won’t buy cinnamon rolls or chocolate milk. When I grow up, I’m going to eat a dozen doughnuts all by myself. Headstrong, that’s what you called me. Yes, I know, but what’s wrong with having my own thoughts and feelings, like you?

The last time we went to the Wal-Mart it wasn’t my fault the man went to the hospital. I was minding my own business in the toys. You told me to stay right there and I listened to you because you had to buy a new dress. You had a date, remember mommy? I don’t know why you don’t want MY daddy anymore. You’ll never meet anyone better.

You know, I always go to the Barbie aisle first. Barbie looks so pretty and she’s not bad. I bet her mommy was jealous of her, too. Princess Barbie always has beautiful clothes and hair and shoes. She knows what Ken likes and she doesn’t get old. He doesn’t leave.

I ran the other kids off and was happy to be alone in the aisle. I found my own sparkling crown near the dolls along with some funny pink high heel shoes with feathers and a magic wand. Well, I thought I was alone, then Bobby, with the scraggly beard and blue vest that said “HOW CAN I HELP YOU?” walked toward me. He was supposed to be sweeping the puke off the floor near cosmetics but he watched me instead. The kids at school made fun of him ’cause he talked funny. He started being real nice to me and told me he wanted to play, too. Whatever, I said. Gawd, he had hair coming out of his ears and he smelled like a skunk. He said he was Prince Charming disguised as a frog and I had to kiss him. Right. He must’ve thought I was a dummy. Boy, was he in for a surprise.

I let him take me in the storeroom, in the dark, but I wasn’t afraid. He said we’d pretend. I guess he thought I would do what he said, but he doesn’t know me very well, does he, mommy? I stomped on his foot with my high heels. He screamed out a bad word, “BITCH,” and grabbed for me. That wasn’t very nice. I had to defend myself like you told me. He hopped around on one foot and tried to grab his broom to knock me over, but I’m smarter and faster than him. I pulled on a shelf as hard as I could and the boxes started falling. I jumped out of the way, quick, like a little rabbit.

Bobby didn’t know I visited the hardware aisle earlier.

Sharp, pointy things appealed to me and you never knew when you might need one. Besides, you took my hammer away, remember mommy, after the incident with Maria?

You remember when my friend from homeroom, Maria, hurt herself in the backyard? She dared me to swing higher in the school playground. Ha, that’s nothing, I said. My legs pumped harder and higher until my head almost touched the ground. She thought she was so much better than me. Yeah, I told her, come over to my house. I bet you can’t beat me. I watched the metal legs of my swing set lift off the ground, as her body swung backward. I knew the swing set wasn’t cemented into the ground like the one at school.

Higher and higher she flew, mommy. “I’ll push you,” I said and I slapped her back and pressed all my weight against her. The front legs of the swing buckled a little then froze in the air like a slow motion cartoon, bucking donkey, hee haw. It was so funny, mommy. I laughed real loud and so did Maria, at least until she realized the whole thing would fall over. The front legs came out of the ground, mommy. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. The whole swing set fell back and hit the ground first then Maria slammed into the ground against the twisted metal and chains. She stared up at me, from the mess, eyes wide, mouth shut tight. Red droplets of blood stained the corner of her lip and her left ear. One of the silver chains of the swing wrapped itself around her throat. I guess she learned a valuable lesson. I’m always right.

Anyway, I fingered my new treasure, the screwdriver with the nice blue handle, and pulled it from my pocket. Frog prince Bobby sure looked surprised. He tried to stand and then I lunged at him with my weapon, right between the legs. You’re right, mommy, that’s a very sensitive area ’cause I’ve never heard a sound like the one he made. Oh, my brave little girl, you said and then you slapped me across the face in the car, after the police left and took Bobby away. You hate me and hate men, don’t you, mommy? You blamed me and I didn’t do anything wrong.

Now, I have to sit in the hot car.