In Laymon's Terms

Tom lost his grin. “Make her do it, Bill.”

“If you do it,” Bill said, “maybe we’ll let you go.”

She shook her head. “I’d better warn you guys, you’d better let me go or you’ll be really really sorry.”

“Just do like we...”

“No!” she suddenly snapped. “Now go away and leave me alone!”

“All we wanta do is get a little look at your tits. What’s the big deal?”

“Maybe she’s shamed of ‘em,” Tom said. “Seeing as how they’re so teeny.”

“You’d better just get out of here.” She glanced over her shoulder again.

“Nobody’s coming,” Bill pointed out. “Not yet. And if a car just should happen to come along, it won’t do you any good. Nobody’s gonna help you.”

“I’m warning you. Get back in your car and go away! You might think we’re all by ourselves out here, but you’d be wrong. You see what kind of bike this is?”

“What about it?” Bill asked.

“It’s a bicycle-built-for-two.”

“So what?”

“What does that tell you?” she asked.

“That you’re some kind of a fuckin’ dweeb,” fat Tom said, and grinned. “Nobody but a dweeb goes around by herself on a bike like that.”

“That’s ‘cause I’m not by myself.”

“Yeah, right,” Tom said.

“Herman’s with me.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Herman?” Bill asked.

“He’s my best friend. And he’s so big and strong you wouldn’t believe it. He makes Arnold Schwartzneggar look like a weenie.”

Bill and Tom grinned at each other.

“I’m scared,” Bill said. “Are you scared?”

“I’m petrified,” Tom said. He raised his open hands and fluttered his fingers and said, “Ooooooo, I’m so scared! Look at me! I’m shaking!”

Bill, the skinny one, didn’t seem so amused. He said, “What’s your friend’s name? Helen?”

“Herman.”

“And he’s, like, your riding companion on this two-seater?”

“That’s right.”

“Well, shit. I don’t see him.”

Tom broke out laughing. His huge belly shook and wobbled. He slapped Bill on the back a couple of times.

“Knock it off,” Bill told him. To Charlie, he said, “How big is this Herman of yours?”

“Real big. He’s almost seven feet tall.”

“That is big. So how come I can’t see him?”

“Because.”

“Oh, because.” He glanced at Tom. “That explains it.”

Tom laughed some more, but he kept his hand off Bill’s back.

“Nobody can see him,” Charlie explained.

“Oh, I get it. You mean he’s invisible.”

“That’s right.”

“Now I’m really scared.”

“I’m so scared I’m gonna shit!” Tom blurted, and did a little dance as if he were trying to hold it in.

“You won’t think it’s so funny if you try anything with me. He’ll rip you guys from limb to limb.”

“Oh, yeah?” Bill looked at Tom. “You stay here, I’ll take care of him.” Then he came forward, strutted past Charlie, and halted beside the second set of handlebars. She twisted around to watch him. “All right, Herman, give me your best shot.” He stuck out his chin.

Charlie said, “Herman isn’t there.”

Looking at her, Bill lifted his eyebrows. “Really? You wouldn’t be kidding me, would you?” He reached out and patted the leather seat. “You’re right. Darn! I was so looking forward to meeting him.”

“Me, too,” Tom said.

“So, where is this Herman of yours?”

“He got off when we stopped.”

“You mean, he was here but now he’s not?”

“That’s right.”

“Where is he?”

“Close enough to take care of you guys if you don’t leave me alone.”

“How do you know that?” Tom asked. “You can’t see him?” He sounded pleased, as if he’d outsmarted her.

“I just know,” Charlie said. “He’s right here, and he’s waiting for you guys to try something funny, and then he’s gonna lambast you like you wouldn’t believe.”

Bill shook his head slowly from side to side. “Aren’t you kind of like too old to have a make-believe friend?”

“He isn’t make-believe.”

Behind her, Tom said, “Betcha it’s that Snuffleupagus.”

She faced Tom and said, “His name is Herman.”

“Yeah, right.”

“And he’s gonna rip us limb from limb if we try to mess with you?”

She twisted around to face Bill again. “That’s right. He’s not just my best friend, he’s my bodyguard. And you’d better let me go right now. All I’ve gotta do is give him the signal, and...”

“So give it,” Bill said.

“Don’t make me. You’ll regret it. I’m warning you. You’d better just go...”

Bill rammed his hand against the front of her left shoulder. The blow twisted her toward him and knocked her clear backward. She gasped, “Yah!” and tried to hop clear off her bicycle. The saddle caught the back of her left thigh. Crying out and flapping her arms, she fell. She slammed the pavement. The bike crashed down on her right leg.

She yelled “Ow!”

“Ooo, nasty fall,” Bill said.

He hurried around to the other side of the bike, grabbed one of Charlie’s arms, and dragged her clear. Then he hoisted her to her feet. “Get rid of the bike,” he said to Tom.

“Don’t you dare!” Charlie snapped. “Leave it alone, you big ox!”

“Fuck you, babe.”

“You won’t be needing it,” Bill told her.

“What’m I sposed to do with it?” Tom asked.

“Take it off into the trees. Throw it someplace. Just so nobody can see it from the road here.”