In Search of the Miraculous

and Dr. S. and Z. at either side. G. spoke of our "features," of our inability to see or to speak the truth. His words perturbed me very much. And suddenly I noticed that

among the words which he was saying to us all there were "thoughts" which were

intended for me. I caught one of these thoughts and replied to it, speaking aloud in the

ordinary way. G. nodded to me and stopped speaking. There was a fairly long pause.

He sat still saying nothing. After a while I heard his voice inside me as it were in the

chest near the heart. He put a definite question to me. I looked at him; he was sitting

and smiling. His question provoked in me a very strong emotion. But I answered him

in the affirmative.

"Why did he say that?" asked G., looking in turn at Z. and Dr. S. "Did I ask him anything?"

And he at once put another still more difficult question to me in the same way as

before. And I again answered it in a natural voice. Z. and S. were visibly astonished at

what was taking place, especially Z. This conversation, if it can be called a

conversation, proceeded in this fashion for not less than half an hour. G. put questions

to me without words and I answered them speaking in the usual way. I was very

agitated by the things G. said to me and the things he asked me which I cannot transmit. The matter was concerned with certain conditions which I had either to accept or leave the work. G. gave me a month's time. I refused the time and said that no matter how difficult what he demanded was I would carry it out at once. But G. insisted on

the month's time.

At length he got up and we went out on the veranda. On the other side of the house

was another large veranda where the rest of our people were sitting.

What transpired after this I can say very little about, although the chief things

happened after. G. was speaking with Z. and S. Then something he said about me

affected me very strongly and I sprang up from my chair and went into the garden.

From there I went into the forest. I walked about there for a long time in the dark,

wholly in the power of the most extraordinary thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it

seemed to me that I had found something, at other times I lost it again.

This went on for one or two hours. Finally, at the moment of what felt like the

climax of contradictions and of inner turmoil, there flashed through my mind a

thought following which I very quickly came to a clear and right understanding of all

G. had said and of my own position. I saw that G. was right; that what I had

considered to be firm and reliable in myself in reality did not exist. But I had found

something else. I knew that he would not believe me and that he would laugh at me if

I showed him this other thing. But for myself it was indubitable and what happened

later showed that I was right.

For a long time I sat and smoked in some kind of glade. When I returned to the

house it was already dark on the small veranda. Thinking that everyone had gone to

bed I went to my own room and went to bed myself. As a matter of fact G. and the

others were at that time having supper on the large veranda. A little while after I had

gone to bed a strange excitement again began in me, my pulse began to beat forcibly,

and I again heard G.'s voice in my chest. On this occasion I not only heard but I

replied mentally and G. heard me and answered me. There was something very

strange in this conversation. I tried to find something that would confirm it as a fact

but could find nothing. And after all it could have been "imagination" or a waking dream, because although I tried to ask G. something of a concrete nature that would

have left no doubt about the conversation or his participation in it, I could not invent

anything weighty enough. And certain questions I asked him and which he answered I

could have asked and answered myself. I even had the impression that he avoided

concrete answers which later might serve as "proofs," and to one or two of my

questions he intentionally gave indefinite answers. But the feeling that it was a

conversation was very strong and entirely new and unlike anything else.

After one long pause G. asked me something that at once put me all on the alert,

then stopped as if waiting for an answer.

What he said suddenly put a stop to all my thoughts and feelings. It was not fear, at

least not a conscious fear when one knows that one is afraid, but I was all shivering

and something literally paralyzed me completely so that I could not articulate a single

word although I made terrible efforts, wishing to give an affirmative reply.

I felt that G. was waiting and that he would not wait long.

"Well, you are tired now," he said at last, "we will leave it till another time."

I began to say something, I think I asked him to wait, to give me a little time to get

accustomed to this thought.

"Another time," said his voice. "Sleep." And his voice stopped.

I could not go to sleep for a long time. In the morning as I came out onto the little