Ivanov

He returns.

Oh – almost forgot – eighty-two roubles, please.

IvanovWhat eighty-two roubles?

BorkinTomorrow’s wages for the workmen.

IvanovI haven’t got it.

BorkinOh, good. ‘I haven’t got it’! Perhaps you think the men can go without their wages?

IvanovI don’t know what I think. I just haven’t got it. You’ll have to wait till the first of the month.

BorkinWe’re not connecting here – the men aren’t coming for their wages on the first of the month, they’re coming tomorrow [morning].

IvanovWell, what am I supposed to do about it? (Angrily.) And since when do you think you can interrupt me when I’m [reading]?

BorkinLook, I’m only asking – do we give the men their wages or don’t we? Waste of breath. Gentleman farmers! Three thousand acres of scientific agriculture and not a bean to show for it. Like having a wine cellar and no corkscrew. Maybe I’ll just up and sell the troika tomorrow! I sold the oats on the stalk, see if I don’t sell the barley. If you think I’d think twice you’ve got the wrong man.

Shabelsky is heard through the window.

ShabelskyIt’s impossible to play with you! I’ve known stuffed carp with more ear for music.

Anna(appearing at the open window) Who’s that – you, Misha? What are you stamping about for?

BorkinYou’d be stamping about if you had to deal with your cher Maître Nicolas.

AnnaOh – Misha – get them to bring some hay to the croquet lawn.

Borkin(waves his hand dismissively) Kindly don’t bother me now.

AnnaNow don’t get high and mighty – women find it unattractive. Oh Nikolay! – let’s go and do cartwheels in the hay!

IvanovIt can’t be good for you standing at an open window, do go inside, Anyuta darling. (Shouts.) Uncle – close the window!

The window closes.

BorkinAnd another thing – Lebedev’s due his interest the day after tomorrow.

IvanovI know. I’m going over there later – I’ll ask for more time.

BorkinYou’re going when?

Ivanov(looking at his pocket watch) Now – soon –

Borkin(eagerly) Hang on, isn’t it Sasha’s birthday today? Silly me – I almost forgot – what a memory! (Hops about.) Tell you what, I’ll come along with you – (Sings.) I’ll come along with you . . . First a swim, chew some paper, splash on some anti-booze and start off the day again. Mon ange, mon frère, mon petit Nikolay Alekseevich – you’re all jumpy and down in the dumps all the time, always moaning, goodness me – You and me, me and you, what the two of us couldn’t do only the devil could! There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you How about if I marry Marfushka Babakina? Half the dowry is yours. Did I say half? – have the lot!

IvanovDo stop talking rubbish.

BorkinNo, I’m serious, really and truly – Do you want me to marry Marfa? Divvy up the dowry? . . . I don’t know why I bother. (Mimics him.) ’Do stop talking rubbish’! You’re not a bad chap, quite bright, really, but what you need is a bit of get up and go . . . You’re a case, a chronic gloom merchant, which if you weren’t, you could have a million inside a year. Here’s a for instance: Ovsyanov is selling a strip of land on the other bank just opposite, for 2, 300 roubles. If we buy it we’ll own both sides of the river. And if both banks are ours – follow me? – we’d have the right to build a dam. Yes? We start building a mill, and as soon as we tell them we want to make a mill pond, everyone downstream will kick up a fuss and we’ll put it to them straight – kommen Sie hier – if you don’t want the dam, it will cost you. Am I getting through? The Zarevsky factory will be good for five thousand, Korokolkov three thousand, five thousand from the monastery . . .

IvanovThat’s called extortion. If you don’t want a row keep your ideas to yourself.

Borkin(sits down at the table) Of course! I should have known.

Shabelsky comes out of the house with Lvov.

ShabelskyDoctors! – They’re like lawyers, only with doctors when they’ve finished robbing you, you die . . . any doctors present excepted, of course. Bloodsucking quacks. There may be some utopia where exceptions prove the rule, but in my life I must have spent about twenty thousand on doctors and never met one who wasn’t an out-and-out swindler with a licence to practise.

Borkin(resuming, to Ivanov) Yes, tie my hands and sit on your own – that’s why we’re broke.

ShabelskyPresent company excepted, as I say – there could be anomalies . . . (Yawns.) though frankly I doubt it.

Ivanov(closing his book) So, doctor, what’s the verdict?

Lvov(glancing round at the window) No different from this morning – she needs to go south immediately – to the Crimea.