Johnny Angel

Johnny was telling his mother about it, as they started down the stairs, and then he stopped and went to his room, and looked around for a minute. He was going to miss all of them, he knew, as much as they missed him. And he reminded his mother to give Bobby his varsity jacket when he was big enough to wear it. And Charlotte could borrow it in the meantime. Tears sprang to her eyes the minute he said it. It was time for good-byes again. And she had never wanted to say good-bye to him the first time, she had refused to. Maybe that was why he had come back to them, because she had refused to let him go. Or maybe he had come back to attend to unfinished business. But he had finished all of it. All the loose ends were tied up, so neatly and so well, like everything he had done in life. In three months, he had done so much for so many people. Alice couldn't help thinking how blessed they had all been.

Johnny watched her warm the milk, and then sat down with her, while she drank it. And when she finished it, she looked up at him. She knew now why she hadn't been able to sleep that night. He was going. She couldn't even bring herself to say the words to him. The idea of it was too painful, but he shook his head as he looked at her.

“Don't do it that way, Mom. Let me go this time. I'll be here with you, always, even when you can't see me.”

“I'm going to miss talking to you. What am I going to do without you?” she asked, with tears in her eyes.

“You'll be busy, with Dad and the others.” He smiled at her and put his arms around her, and after a while they stood up, and she looked at him with everything she felt for him, and had since the day he was born.

“I love you, Johnny.”

“I love you too, Mom… more than you'll ever know … more than I ever told you.”

“You are such a good boy, and I'm so proud of you … I always will be.”

“I'm proud of you too.” And then he turned, as though he'd forgotten something, and he pulled a small rectangular box out of his pocket. He had wrapped it awkwardly, and he handed it to her. “This is for you and Dad. It's going to make you happy for a long, long time, all your lives, I hope.”

“What is it? Should I open it now?” She was curious about what was in it.

“No, do it later,” he said firmly, and she slipped it into the pocket of her bathrobe.

And then he walked slowly to the door, and she followed him. They stood there for a long time, looking out into the night, and hugging. He had his arms around her and held her tight, just as he had as a child. She could feel the warm milk she had drunk warm her. She felt peaceful and tired, and strangely comfortable, and he held her for a long time, and then kissed her cheek. She kissed him one last time, and he walked out into the night, as she watched him. She wanted to stop him, or run after him, but she knew she couldn't. He turned back once to smile at her, and she was smiling at him as tears poured from her eyes, but it was a different kind of sadness this time, mixed with longing and joy and gratitude for all he had been to her. She blinked for only an instant to clear the tears from her eyes, and he was gone, walking softly into the night, to a place where she could not follow.

She stood in the doorway for a long time, and then closed it softly. It was hard to believe he was gone, impossible, as hard as it had been the first time. But he was right, it was different. She missed him already, and she was not sure she was as ready as he had said she would be. Her heart was full of him as she walked back upstairs to her bedroom. And as she looked at Jim, sleeping peacefully, she knew that Johnny would always be with them. And when she put the dressing gown down, she remembered the little gift Johnny had left them.

She walked into the bathroom and turned on the light, to open it. And when she did, she laughed out loud. It was a crazy gift. Just a joke, and nothing important. It was a pregnancy kit, the kind you bought in the drugstore, it was like a message from him, telling her to do something she and Jim hadn't thought about in years. They had thought about having a fourth child once upon a time, but after Bobby's accident, they had decided they couldn't. And as she held the box in her hand, it was as though she heard Johnny's voice in her head, telling her to use it.

“Go on, Mom … go on … do it….” The words were so clear, it was as though he were still standing there with her, and she wondered if he was, but she could no longer see him or hear him. She could only feel him, in her heart. The past three months had been a crazy time, but a time she would always cherish. And as she thought of it, she suddenly thought of the ulcer she was so convinced had returned in the past few days, the disturbance she had felt, and she wondered if Johnny really was telling her something with his silly gift. She couldn't imagine it happening, but feeling foolish, she decided to follow the impulse and use it.