Knight of Shadows

I had driven her to her studies by showing her another layer of reality, I realized. And I had driven her away from me because I had not really trusted her enough to tell her the truth about myself. I suppose this said something about my capacity for love as well as trust. But I had felt this all along. There was something else. There was more…

«This is delicious,» Jasra announced.

«Thank you.» He rose, rounded the table, and refilled her glass manually rather than use a levitation trick. As he did, I noticed that the fingers of his left hand lightly brushed her bare shoulder. He sloshed a little into my glass as an afterthought then and went back and sat down.

«Yes, excellent,» I observed as I continued my quick introspect through the dark glass suddenly cleared.

I had felt something, had suspected something from the beginning, I knew now. Our shadow walk was only the most spectacular of a series of small, off the cuff tests I had occasionally thrown her way, hoping to catch her off guard, hoping to expose her as - what? Well, a potential sorceress. So?

I set my utensils aside and rubbed my eyes. It was near, though I'd been hiding it from myself for a long while…

«Is something the matter, Merlin?» I heard Jasa asking.

«No. Just realized I was a little tired,» I said. «Everything's fine.»

A sorceress. Not just a potential sorceress. There had been the buried fear, I now understood, that she was behind the April 30 attempts on my life - and I had suppressed this and kept on caring for her. Why? Because I knew and did not care? Because she was my Nimue? Because I had cherished my possible destroyer and hidden evidence from myself? Because I'd not only loved unwisely but had had one big death wish following me around, grinning, and any time now I might cooperate with it to the utmost?

«I'll be okay,» I said. «It's really nothing.»

Did it mean that I was, as they say, my own worst enemy? I hoped not. I didn't really have time to go through therapy, not when my life depended on so many external things as well.

«A penny for your thoughts,» Jasra said sweetly.

II

«They're priceless,» I answered. «Like your jokes. I must applaud you. Not only did I know nothing of this at the time, but I didn't make any correct guesses when I did have a few facts to rub together. Is that what you wanted to hear?»

«Yes,» she said.

«I'm pleased there came a point where things went wrong for you,» I added.

She sighed, nodded, took a drink of wine.

«Yes, it came,» she acknowledged. «I was hardly expecting any recoil from such a simple bit of business. I still find it hard to believe that there's that much irony running around loose in the world.»

«If you want me to appreciate the whole thing, you're going to have to be a little more explicit,» I suggested.

«I know. In a way, I hate trading that vaguely puzzled expression you're wearing for one of delight at my own discomfort. On the other hand, there may still be material able to distress you in some fresh fashion on the other side of it.».

«Win a few, lose a few,» I said. «I'm willing to bet there are still features of those days that puzzle you.»

«Such as?» she asked.

«Such as why none of those April thirtieth attempts on my life succeeded.»

«I assume Rinaldo sabotaged me some way, tipped you off.

«Wrong.»

«What, then?»

«The ty'iga. She's under a compulsion to protect me. You might recall her from those days, as she resided is the body of Gail Lampron.»

«Gail? Rinaldo's girlfriend? My son was dating a demon?»

«Let's not be prejudiced. He'd done a lot worse his freshman year.»

She thought a moment, then nodded slowly.

«You've got a point there,» she admitted. «I'd forgotten Carol. And you still have no idea - beyond what the thing admitted back in Amber - as to why this was going on?»

«I still don't know,» I said.

«It casts that entire period in an even stranger light,» she mused, «especially since our paths have crossed again. I wonder…?»

«What?»

«Whether she was there to protect you or to thwart me - your bodyguard or my curse?»

«Hard to say, since the results came to the same thing.»

«But she's apparently been hanging around you most recently, which would seem to indicate the former.»

«Unless, of course, she knows something we don't.»

«Such as?»

«Such as the possibility of a conflict developing between us again.»

She smiled.

«You should have gone to law school,» she said. «You're as devious as your relatives back in Amber. I can be truthful, though, in saying I have nothing planned that could be taken that way.»

I shrugged.

«Just a thought. Please continue with Julia's story.» She proceeded to eat several mouthfuls. I kept her company, then discovered I could not stop eating. I glanced at Mandor, but he remained inscrutable. He'll never admit to magically enhancing a flavor or laying a compulsion on diners to clean their plates. Either way, we did finish the course before she spoke again. And I could hardly complain, considering.