Lament for a lost lover

“Nonsense,” I said, “people are meant to be happy.” He moved away from me as though he feared to be contaminated by such wickedness.

“You’re a sinful woman,” he said. “God will not be mocked.” Edwin had seen the man.

He thought I needed protecting and came running up.

“Mama, Mama, did you want me?”

I was so proud of him. He looked up boldly into that repulsive face and said: “Don’t you dare hurt my mama.”

I had risen to my feet and placed my hand protectively on my son’s head.

Recognition dawned on Young Jethro’s face. “I knew your father, “he said.

“My father was the best man in the world, “ said Edwin.

“Ananias,” cried Young Jethro. “Ananias.”

“What does he mean, Mama?” asked Edwin.

I did not speak. I was very shaken by this man who knew so much about my husband.

“The wages of sin ...”muttered Young Jethro, his eyes on Edwin. Leigh came running up. He was breathless. “I’ve thrown a pebble over and over the water. It’s gone all the way to France.”

“It couldn’t have,” said Edwin.

“It did. It did. I saw it go.”

Young Jethro had gone off muttering, “And the wages of sin is death.”

“Who’s that old man?” asked Leigh.

But Edwin was thinking of the pebble which had gone skim, ming across the water to France and was determined to throw one himself.

“Show me,” he said. “I’ll send one farther than you.”

They raced back to the water while I watched the retreating figure of Young Jethro. I think I knew it was going to happen, and when I was sure, I felt a sense of relief because fate had made up my mind for me.

I knew I must act quickly and I did.

When I was alone with Carleton, I said: “I am pregnant.”

His eyes lighted up. His face seemed to shine with the enormity of his satisfaction.

“My dearest Arabella. I knew it.” He had lifted me in his arms. He held me tightly.

He kissed me again and again. We were in the garden and I said: “We could be seen.”

“Does it matter? A man is allowed to embrace his future wife. Oh, my dear girl, this is the happiest moment of my life.”

“It is what you wanted. You will be Edwin’s stepfather and Eversleigh will be yours in all but name.”

“As if I was thinking of Eversleigh.”

“You know you always are thinking of it.”

“I am thinking of everything. My wife and already carrying our child. That is wonderful. I am an impatient man, you will find, my darling. This suits my mood. I am to acquire a wife and a child in the shortest possible space of time.”

“I see no alternative but marriage,” I said, trying to sound doleful. “There is no alternative. I shall go straight in and tell my uncle. I know he’ll be delighted. It was what he wanted. Or shall we marry secretly? Then we might have another ceremony and festivities later. That would account for the early arrival of our child.”

“I did not think you were one to set such store by the proprieties.”

“I like to observe them when they fit in with my needs. Oh, Arabella, I am a happy man this day. That which I have so long desired has come to pass. Yes, let us marry in secret. I will arrange for a priest to do this. Then we will tell my uncle, and I know they will probably want another ceremony and celebrations here.”

“There seems no point in such subterfuge.”

“Yes. Because the sort of wedding they will wish us to have < might take a little time to arrange. There is our child to consider. ! We want him to make a respectable entrance into the world.”

“Please do not think I am duty bound to provide you with a boy.”

“Believe me, it is Arabella I want. I shall be grateful for whatever she deigns to give me. Leave this to me, Arabella. Arabella, how I adore you.”

“At least,” I said, “I should be grateful that you are ready to make an honest woman of me.”

“Never change.” He smiled at me gently. “I could not bear you to change. There was always something of the polygamist in me, so I need my two Arabellas. Arabella of the sharp tongue by day and Arabella adorable, loving me as I love her in the dark of the night.”

“There is only one of me, you know. Do you think I can really supply all your needs?”

“You already have the answer to that. Proof positive.”

He went off that day and did not come back until the morning of the following one. I was to meet him at the stables that afternoon. We rode off some five miles together and there in a small church we were married. Two of his Court friends were witnesses. I said: “It is exactly like what I hear of a mock marriage. I believe that is a practice some of your profligate friends indulge in now and then.”

“Alas, they do. But this is no mockery. This is true and binding. We shall go straight back to Eversleigh and I will tell my uncle that we are married, but I shall not tell him when the ceremony took place. I’ll promise you he will insist on our being married in the Eversleigh church with many spectators and a feast to follow. Then you will not be able to say it is like a mock marriage.”

I felt an odd elation, a desire not to look beyond the moment. I was too excited to be unhappy.