Life, the Universe and Everything

– Remember, - he said, - that I was pulverized, and then left in a crippled and semi-impotent state for billions of years. I honestly would rather wipe out the Universe. You would feel the same way, believe me.

He paused again, as eddies swept through the Dust.

– But primarily, - he said in his former, wistful tone, - I was trying to fulfill my function. Ah well.

Trillian said:

– Does it worry you that you have failed?

– Have I failed? - whispered Hactar. The image of the computer on the psychiatrist’s couch began slowly to fade again.

– Ah well, ah well, - the fading voice intoned again. - No, failure doesn’t bother me now.

– You know what we have to do? - said Trillian, her voice cold and businesslike.

– Yes, - said Hactar, - you’re going to disperse me. You are going to destroy my consciousness. Please be my guest - after all these aeons, oblivion is all I crave. If I haven’t already fulfilled my function, then it’s too late now. Thank you and good night.

The sofa vanished.

The tea table vanished.

The couch and the computer vanished. the walls were gone. Arthur and Trillian made their curious way back into the Heart of Gold.

– Well, that, - said Arthur, - would appear to be that.

The flames danced higher in front of him and then subsided. A few last licks and they were gone, leaving him with just a pile of Ashes, where a few minutes previously there had been the Wooden Pillar of Nature and Spirituality.

He scooped them off the hob of the Heart of Gold’s Gamma barbecue, put them in a paper bag, and walked back into the bridge.

– I think we should take them back, - he said. - I feel that very strongly.

He had already had an argument with Slartibartfast on this matter, and eventually the old man had got annoyed and left. He had returned to his own ship the Bistromath, had a furious row with the waiter and disappeared off into an entirely subjective idea of what space was.

The argument had arisen because Arthur’s idea of returning the Ashes to Lord’s Cricket Ground at the same moment that they were originally taken would involve travelling back in time a day or so, and this was precisely the sort of gratuitous and irresponsible mucking about that the Campaign for Real Time was trying to put a stop to.

– Yes, - Arthur had said, - but you try and explain that to the MCC, - and he would hear no more against the idea.

– I think, - he said again, and stopped. The reason he started to say it again was because no one had listened to him the first time, and the reason he stopped was because it looked fairly clear that no one was going to listen to him this time either.

Ford, Zaphod and Trillian were watching the visiscreens intently as Hactar was dispersing under pressure from a vibration field which the Heart of Gold was pumping into it.

– What did it say? - asked Ford.

– I thought I heard it say, - said Trillian in a puzzle voice, - “What’s done is done… I have fulfilled my function…”

– I think we should take these back, - said Arthur holding up the bag containing the Ashes. - I feel that very strongly.

Chapter 33

The sun was shining calmly on a scene of complete havoc.

Smoke was still billowing across the burnt grass in the wake of the theft of the Ashes by the Krikkit robots. Through the smoke, people were running panicstricken, colliding with each other, tripping over stretchers, being arrested.

One policeman was attempting to arrest Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged for insulting behaviour, but was unable to prevent the tall grey-green alien from returning to his ship and arrogantly flying away, thus causing even more panic and pandemonium.

In the middle of this, for the second time that afternoon, the figures of Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect suddenly materialized, they had teleported down out of the Heart of Gold which was now in parking orbit round the planet.

– I can explain, - shouted Arthur. - I have the Ashes! They’re in this bag.

– I don’t think you have their attention, - said Ford.

– I have also helped save the Universe, - called Arthur to anyone who was prepared to listen, in other words no one.

– That should have been a crowd-stopper, - said Arthur to Ford.

– It wasn’t, - said Ford.

Arthur accosted a policeman who was running past.

– Excuse me, - he said. - The Ashes. I’ve got them. They were stolen by those white robots a moment ago. I’ve got them in this bag. They were part of the Key to the Slo-Time envelope, you see, and, well, anyway you can guess the rest, the point is I’ve got them and what should I do with them?

The policeman told him, but Arthur could only assume that he was speaking metaphorically.

He wandered about disconsolately.

– Is no one interested? - he shouted out. A man rushed past him and jogged his elbow, he dropped the paper bag and it spilt its contents all over the ground. Arthur stared down at it with a tight-set mouth.

Ford looked at him.

– Wanna go now? - he said.