Lilian Jackson Braun - Cat 18 Who Said Cheese

Jack Nibble summed it up. "I'd say we achieved our goals: to show everyone a good time and educate a few palates. And it doesn't have to be double-cream to be good; the feta we brought is low-fat."

"Yow!" came a loud affirmative from somewhere overhead.

When everyone had gone, with promises to send a clean-up crew the next day, Qwilleran changed into a jumpsuit and went into the kitchen. Koko was ahead of him, trying to claw his way into the refrigerator.

"You rascal!" Qwilleran said. "So that's why you wanted everyone to go home! If you'll just cool it, we'll prep the turkey tonight and throw it in the oven first thing in the morning. Stand back!" He opened the refrigerator door cautiously, expecting a flank attack, but Koko knew when the battle was won. He watched calmly as the prepping began.

Qwilleran remembered Mildred's instructions: Remove the plastic wrap; release the legs without cutting the skin; explore the two cavities. He put his hand gingerly into the breast cavity and withdrew a plastic bag containing the neck. Then he turned the bird around and, with more confidence, explored the body cavity. It was cold but not frosty. Koko was watching with ears back and whiskers bristled. Qwilleran groped for the plastic bag. Instead, he found something hard and very, very cold. His first thought was: a block of ice. His second was: a practical joke! He threw everything back into the tray and shoved the naked bird into the refrigerator. Then he called Nick Bamba at home.

"Hope I'm not calling too late, Nick. Just wanted to thank you for the cold turkey. I'm getting it ready to roast tomorrow... Yes, thanks to Mildred, I know how. But I have one question: Was there supposed to be anything special about the bird you delivered to me?... No, there's nothing wrong with it. I just had a... special feeling about it." He tamped his moustache. "Thanks again, Nick. I'll let you know how it turns out."

Hanging up the phone, Qwilleran kept his hand on the receiver. Should he, or should he not, call the police chief at home again? He punched the number that he knew by heart, and when the gruff voice answered, he said, "We had the cheese-tasting here tonight, you know, and Jerry and Jack left a variety of cheeses, Why don't you run over for a nibble-and a sip? Also... I have something peculiar to report - very peculiar!"

"I'll be there in two shakes," Brodie said, He arrived , in a matter of minutes, and his first comment was: "You've got a big box at your back door."

"That's an antique sea chest, It's for package deliveries."

"And you've moved the furniture around."

"That was to accommodate the crowd, We had a hundred guests. The committee is coming tomorrow to put everything back the way it was."

They sat at the bar, where Qwilleran had ready a Scotch and a plate of leftover party cheeses, He pointed out Cheddar, Gouda, Bel Paese, Emmenthaler, Stilton, and Port du Salut.

"Where's the one I like so much?"

"Try the Emmenthaler, Andy. There wasn't any GruyŠre left. Everyone liked the GruyŠre."

"Yow!"

"Including our smart cat."

When Brodie had finished his first Scotch, Qwilleran said, "Before I top your glass, Andy, I'd like you to look at a gift I received Sunday." Keeping one eye on Koko, he brought the turkey from the refrigerator and pushed the tray toward the chief. "What would you say this is?"

"Are you pullin' my leg? It's a turkey!"

"Do you know how to stuff a bird?"

Brodie scowled. "That's my wife's job."

"Well, let me explain. This is the head-end, and that's the tail-end. There are two cavities. Put your hand in the breast cavity and see what you find."

Reluctantly and suspiciously, the chief did as instructed and drew out a plastic bag. "That's the neck! Are you playin' games?"

"Now put your hand in the body cavity. That's where they always store the sack of giblets."

With a glowering glance at his friend, Brodie thrust his hand into the bird. Immediately, a strange expression spread across his craggy face. It was a mixture of shock and disbelief. "What the hell!" he blurted as he drew forth a small handgun. "Who gave you this bird?"

"Nick Bamba. It was frozen solid when it arrived- probably part of a shipment going Down Below. It's been thawing in the fridge for two days, and Koko's been going crazy. Do you want a plastic bag for the evidence?"

"Gimme a trash bag," Andy said. "I'm taking the whole bird."