Look Closer

But there was an undeniable intimacy to sharing secrets like we did, to knowing that it was us against the world, that we could trust no one but each other. We’d lie together, up on the roof in lounge chairs, on the couch in the living room, working through everything. We argued about some things, mostly about Vicky sleeping with Nick, an unbearable thought to me and the last thing on earth Vicky wanted to do, but she insisted (“It’s his routine, his scam, it will make him comfortable that his scam is working like it always has.” “How else will he and I ever be close enough to make this work?” “I can handle it. I know how to shut off and just perform the act without it meaning anything. I have years of experience”).

I quizzed her to keep her sharp (What was my mother’s middle name? What day were we married? Where did I go to high school?). We’d go over the next day’s text-message exchange (“Be playful, you’re still in the honeymoon phase.” “Maybe be a little cranky tomorrow; everyone’s cranky sometimes, right?” “Tomorrow, you start showing signs of hesitation, second thoughts”). She’d read the journal I was writing and offer critiques and suggestions (“Mention I’m from West Virginia, but do it like a throwaway comment.” “You need to be freaking out a little—you’re falling in love with Lauren and you’re married to me!” “You have to show a little self-doubt, like this is too good to be true”).

I admit, it felt like some kind of bizarre, rekindled courtship. But I always noted caution in Vicky, a fear of encouraging me, of giving me the wrong idea. All her talk about what would come afterward, for example, how much she looked forward to living in Wisconsin with her nieces, was her way of reminding me, in her subtle way, that nothing was going to change between us.

No, I had to keep reminding myself. Vicky’s not falling in love with me. She’s just being affectionate. She just likes me a lot.

That, and we’re plotting a double murder together.

Her smile breaks wide as she approaches. Something inside me breaks as well. I’ve never seen her like this. And I thought I’d seen every version of Vicky. I’ve seen her bitter and full of venom. I’ve seen her despondent and lifeless. I’ve seen her focused and determined, channeling that rage. And yes, for a while—before I screwed up everything by falling so hard for her, proposing marriage, pushing her—I’ve seen her content, what I thought was Vicky being happy.

But that wasn’t happy. This, Vicky today, is Vicky happy. A glow to her face, a bounce in her walk. As beautiful as any woman I’ve ever seen.

I put out my arms and she sails into them, holding me for a long time, moaning with pleasure. I close my eyes and drink it all in, the smell of her, the feel of her, the warmth of her, quite possibly the last time I will hold her like this.

“Ooooh, I’ve missed you, fella,” she whispers.

Not as much as I’ve missed her. But I don’t say that. I won’t make this hard for her.

“Merry Christmas,” I say when we pull back from each other, enough to see each other’s faces. She takes my hands in hers.

“Merry Christmas, indeed,” she says. “Santa was very generous. Very. You should’ve seen the look on Miriam’s face, Simon. She was crying. She was screaming. She counted the money like ten times. She just kept shouting, ‘A million dollars! A million dollars! Who would give us a million dollars in cash?’ I didn’t say anything, of course. Though I wanted to.”

I seesaw my head. “Better it stay anonymous. Just in case anyone’s still watching me and sees that I gave some random domestic-violence shelter in Wisconsin a bunch of cash. It could lead to you.”

She nods. “You don’t really think anyone’s still watching, do you?”

“I don’t. But I was always more paranoid than you.”

“Good thing you were.” She searches my face. “You didn’t have to do that, you know. Give us that money.”

“Hey, what am I gonna do with a million dollars? I already have heat and A/C.”

She rolls her eyes. “You could’ve kept a little of the money Ted left you.”

“You could’ve taken some of it, lady.”

I offered it to her. All of it. She said no. It’s one of the reasons I love her so much. She’s been poor her whole life, she scrapped and pinched and sold her body to support herself, and here a guy is willing to fork over twenty-one million dollars to her, gratis, and she turns it down. The shelter, okay, but she wouldn’t take a dime personally.

She’s in rebuilding mode, and she wants to rebuild on her own terms.

“Oh, speaking of loads of money,” she says. “I’ve been meaning to ask—did you get the full professorship?”

Her eyes go wide. It gives me a lift, that she cares enough to remember, how much she wanted it for me, the ends to which she was willing to go to get it for me.

“I did not,” I say. “Reid got it. I heard the vote was close.”

“Ugh. I’m sorry.” She drills a finger lightly against my chest, juts her chin. “Should’ve used that information I got you, dummy.”