Lords And Ladies

Granny looked around the room. Then she went to a low chest and opened it. There was a faint tinkling of bells, and a flash of red and yellow.

"I thought you never threw them away," she said. "And you ain't put on any weight, so they'll still fit. On with the motley. Magrat'll appreciate it."

"Oh, no," said Verence. "I'm very firm about this. I'm king now. It'd be demeaning for Magrat to marry a Fool. I've got a position to maintain, for the sake of the kingdom. Besides, there is such a thing as pride."

Granny stared at him for so long that he shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, there is," he said.

Granny nodded, and walked toward the doorway.

"Why're you leaving?" said Verence nervously.

"I ain't leaving," said Granny, quietly, "I'm just shutting the door."

And then there was the incident with the crown.

Ceremonies and Protocols of The Kingdom of Lancre was eventually found after a hurried search of Verence's bedroom. It was very clear about the procedure. The new queen was crowned, by the king, as part of the ceremony. It wasn't technically difficult for any king who knew which end of a queen was which, which even the most inbred king figured out in two goes.

But it seemed to Ponder Stibbons that the ritual wobbled a bit at this point.

It seemed, in fact, that just as he was about to lower the crown on the bride's head he glanced across the hall to where the skinny old witch was standing. And nearly everyone else did too, including the bride.

The old witch nodded very slightly.

Magrat was crowned.

Wack-fol-a-diddle, etc.

The bride and groom stood side by side, shaking hands with the long line of guests in that dazed fashion normal at this point in the ceremony.

"I'm sure you'll be very happy-"

"Thank you."

"Ook!"

"Thank you."

"Nail it to the counter, Lord Ferguson, and damn the cheesemongers!"

"Thank you."

"Can I kiss the bride?"

It dawned on Verence that he was being addressed by fresh air. He looked down.

"I'm sorry," he said, "you are-?"

"My card," said Casanunda.

Verence read it. His eyebrows rose.

"Ah," he said. "Uh. Urn. Well, well, well. Number two, eh?"

"I try harder," said Casanunda.

Verence looked around guiltily, and then bent down until his mouth was level with the dwarfs ear.

"Could I have a word with you in a minute or two?"

The Lancre Morris Men got together again for the first time at the reception. They found it hard to talk to one another. Several of them jigged up and down absentmindedly as they talked.

"All right," said Jason, "anyone remember? Really remember?"

"I remember the start," said Tailor the other weaver.

"Definitely remember the start. And the dancing in the woods. But the Entertainment-"

"There was elves in it," said Tinker the tinker. "That's why it all got buggered up," said Thatcher the carter. "There was a lot of shouting, too."

"There was someone with horns on," said Carter, "and a great big-"

"It was all," said Jason, "a bit of a dream."

"Hey, look over there, Carter," said Weaver, winking at the others, "there's that monkey. You've got something to ask it, ain't you?"

Carter blinked. "Coo, yes," he said.

"Shouldn't waste a golden opportunity if I was you," said Weaver, with the happy malice often shown by the clever to the simple.

The Librarian was chatting to Ponder and the Bursar. He looked around as Carter prodded him.

"You've been over to Slice, then, have you?" he said, in his cheery open way.

The Librarian gave him a look of polite incomprehension.

"Oook?"

Carter looked perplexed.

"That's where you put your nut, ain't it?"

The Librarian gave him another odd look, and shook his head.

"Oook."

"Weaver!" Carter shouted, "the monkey says he didn't put his nut where the sun don't shine! You said he did! You didn't, did you? He said you did." He turned to the Librarian. "He didn't. Weaver. See, I knew you'd got it wrong. You're daft. There's no monkeys in Slice."

Silence flowed outward from the two of them.

Ponder Stibbons held his breath.

"This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here."

The Librarian picked up a large bottle from the table. He tapped Carter on the shoulder. Then he poured him a large drink and patted him on the head.

Ponder relaxed and turned back to what he was doing. He'd tied a knife to a bit of string and was gloomily watching it spin round and round . . .

On his way home that night Weaver was picked up by a mysterious assailant and dropped into the Lancre. No one ever found out why. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, especially simian ones. They're not all that subtle.

Others went home that night.

"She'll be getting ideas above her station in life," said Granny Weatherwax, as the two witches strolled through the scented air.

"She's a queen. That's pretty high," said Nanny Ogg. "Almost as high as witches."