Men at Arms

Mr Cheese looked over the bar at Captain Vimes, who hadn't moved for an hour. The Bucket was used to serious drinkers, who drank without pleasure but with a sort of determination never to see sobriety again. But this was something new. This was worrying. He didn't want a death on his hands.

There was no-one else in the bar. He hung his apron on a nail and hurried out towards the Watch House, ahnost colliding with Carrot and Angua in the doorway.

“Oh, I'm glad that's you, Corporal Carrot,” he said. “You'd better come. It's Captain Vimes.”

“What's happened to him?”

“I don't know. He's drunk an awful lot.”

“I thought he was off the stuff!”

“I think,” said Mr Cheese cautiously, “that this is not the case any more.”

A scene, somewhere near Quarry Lane: “Where we going?”

“I'm going to get someone to have a look at you.”

“Not dwarf doctor!”

“There must be someone up here who knows how to slap some quick-drying cement on you, or whatever you do. Should you be oozing like that?”

“Dunno. Never oozed before. Where we?”

“Dunno. Never been down here before.”

The area was on the windward side of the cattle yards and the slaughterhouse district. That meant it was shunned as living space by everyone except trolls, to whom the organic odours were about as relevant and noticeable as the smell of granite would be to humans. The old joke went: the trolls live next to the cattleyard? What about the stench? Oh, the cattle don't mind…

Which was daft. Trolls didn't smell, except to other trolls.

There was a slabby look about the buildings here. They had been built for humans but adapted by trolls, which broadly had meant kicking the doorways wider and blocking up the windows. It was still daylight. There weren't any trolls visible.

“Ugh,” said Detritus.

“Come on, big man,” said Cuddy, pushing Detritus along like a tug pushes a tanker.

“Lance-Constable Cuddy?”

“Yes.”

“You a dwarf. This is Quarry Lane. You found here, you in deep trouble.”

“We're city guards.”

“Chrysoprase, he not give a coprolith about that stuff.”

Cuddy looked around.

“What do you people use for doctors, anyway?”

A troll face appeared in a doorway. And another. And another.

What Cuddy had thought was a pile of rubble turned out to be a troll.

There were, suddenly, trolls everywhere.

I'm a guard, thought Cuddy. That's what Sergeant Colon said. Stop being a dwarf and start being a Watchman. That's what I am. Not a dwarf. A Watchman. They gave me a badge, shaped like a shield. City Watch, that's me. I carry a badge.

I wish it was a lot bigger.

Vimes was sitting quietly at a table in the corner of The Bucket. There were some pieces of paper and a handful of metal objects in front of him, but he was staring at his fist. It was lying on the table, clenched so tight the knuckles were white.

“Captain Vimes?” said Carrot, waving a hand in front of his eyes. There was no response.

“How much has he had?”

“Two nips of whiskey, that's all.”

“That shouldn't do this to him, even on an empty stomach,” said Carrot.

Angua pointed at the neck of a bottle protruding from Vimes' pocket.

“I don't think he's been drinking on an empty stomach,” she said. “I think he put some alcohol in it first.”

“Captain Vimes?” said Carrot again.

“What's he holding in his hand?” said Angua.

“I don't know. This is bad, I've never seen him like this before. Come on. You take the stuff. I'll take the captain.”

“He hasn't paid for his drink,” said Mr Cheese.

Angua and Carrot looked at him.

“On the house?” said Mr Cheese.

There was a wall of trolls around Cuddy. It was as good a choice of word as any. Right now their attitude was more of surprise than menace, such as dogs might show if a cat had just sauntered into the kennels. But when they'd finally got used to the idea that he really existed, it was probably only a matter of time before this state of affairs no longer obtained.

Finally, one of them said, “What dis, then?”

“He a man of the Watch, same as me,” said Detritus.

“Him a dwarf.”

“He a Watchman.”

“Him got bloody cheek, I know that.” A stubby troll finger prodded Cuddy in the back. The trolls crowded in.

“I count to ten,” said Detritus. “Then any troll not going about that troll's business, he a sorry troll.”

“You Detritus,” said a particularly wide troll. “Everyone know you stupid troll, you join Watch because stupid troll, you can't count to—”

Wham.

“One,” said Detritus. “Two… Tree. Four-er… Five. Six…”

The recumbent troll looked up in amazement.

“That Detritus, him counting.”

There was a whirring noise and an axe bounced off the wall near Detritus' head.

There were dwarfs coming up the street, with a purposeful and deadly air. The trolls scattered.

Cuddy ran forward.

“What are you lot doing?” he said. “Are you mad, or something?”

A dwarf pointed a trembling finger at Detritus.

“What's that?”

“He's a Watchman.”

“Looks like a troll to me. Get it!”

Cuddy took a step backwards and produced his axe.

“I know you, Stronginthearm,” he said. “What's this all about?”