Midsummer's Eve

She said: "Jonnie is coughing and he's rather hot.”

Immediately I got out of bed. I went to the nursery. I picked up Jonnie. He was a little feverish but he gave me that lop-sided toothless look which we interpreted as a smile.

I said: "I don't think there is much wrong with him, but I'll get Maud. She's had experience and will know.”

I dressed and went to find her. She came at once.

"It's a slight chill," she said. "Nothing much, I'm sure. We'll just keep him warm and he'll be right as rain tomorrow.”

Helena was a little panicky.

"Are you going to be out all day?" she asked.

I said that I was. "I wish you weren't going," she said in a worried voice.

I hesitated. "All right ... I'll stay. The others can go without me.”

My mother was disappointed. "Really, Helena does make demands on you," she said.

"I don't mind. I can sail another day. I would be worried all the time about the baby if I came.”

My mother kissed me and said, "Well, we're all very sorry you won't be with us, but I understand. You stay and look after Helena and the baby.”

They went off early. During the morning the baby seemed normal.

"I told you so," said Maud.

"I get so frightened," Helena explained.

"I know. They call it first-baby nerves. You'll be better when you've had a few more.”

Helena looked startled at the prospect and I thought: That will never be. Hers is the most extraordinary marriage. At first we had thought it was such a convenient way out. At least it had given Helena married status which was so necessary as she was to have a child; but I doubted whether much good would come out of it.

Matthew had not returned. We had heard from him and Helena had written to the hotel in Sydney where letters might eventually reach him. There was a small township near us where letters could be delivered and posted. One of the men went in three times a week to take and collect mail. In a letter Matthew had said that his research had taken him to Van Diemen's Land and he would send an address from there.

Helena had written telling him that the child was born but had had no reply to that so perhaps he had not received that letter. My parents had said that when we left we should have to let him know that we were leaving and that Helena was coming with us. But perhaps by then we should have had an address from Van Diemen's Land.

I had heard the term "husband in name only." Matthew was certainly that.

A wind sprang up during the morning. I heard Gregory Donnelly shouting to some of the men.

Maud was cooking in the kitchen and I went to her. "Is anything wrong?" I asked.

"Wrong?" she said.

"I thought I heard Greg shouting orders and there seemed to be a certain tension.”

"It's the weather again. It's always something. They don't like this wind.”

"It's unusual," I said.

"It comes now and then. They have to make preparations. It can do a lot of damage.

I daresay Greg is making sure they take precautions.”

I went to the baby. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully.

During the afternoon the wind grew fierce. I looked out of the window. The few trees were swaying; they looked as though they might be torn up. The wind battered them savagely; and I thought of my parents and Jacco.

They had been delighted at the prospect of wind-but not of this strength.

Gregory came into the house. I heard Maud talking to him.

"They wouldn't have taken the boat out in this weather," he said.

I ran out to him and he saw the anxiety in my face.

"What if they have taken the boat?" I asked.

"They wouldn't," he replied with conviction. "Nobody would on a day like this.”

"But they left early. They might have been out at sea before it became so bad.”

He looked away from me.

"I reckon they changed their minds," he murmured. "Your father was saying he wanted to do a bit more exploring.”

I went back to Helena. She was still sitting with the baby who seemed to have recovered completely.

I wished that I had gone with them. Not knowing where they were was worrying.

In the evening the wind abated. But at sundown they had not come home.

I sat up all night waiting for them. Helena sat with me. We spoke little. We were afraid to put our thoughts into words. We just sat there, ears strained for the slightest sound of their return.

And so we waited.

But they never came back.

How I lived through those days which followed I do not know. I was completely numb.

I could not believe that this terrible tragedy had overtaken me.

My father. My mother. My brother. The people I loved best in the world ... all taken from me.

I could only console myself that I was dreaming. This could not have happened to such vital people. They had all been brimming over with life. I could not imagine a world without them. Always they had been there-the most important part of my life.