More Than Human

‘You don’t need to,’ I laughed. ‘This is wonderful. You’re good – real good. Now I want to tell you this, because you can appreciate a fine point in your speciality. You talk about occlusions! I couldn’t get past the „Baby is three” thing because in it lay the clues to what I really am. I couldn’t find that out because I was afraid to remember that I was two things – Miss Kew’s little boy, and something a hell of a lot bigger. I couldn’t be both, and I wouldn’t release either one.’

He said, with his eyes on his pipe, ‘Now you can?’

‘I have.’

‘And what now?’

‘What do you mean?’

Stern leaned back against the corner of his desk. ‘Did it occur to you that maybe this – gestalt organism of yours is already dead?’

‘It isn’t.’

‘How do you know?”

‘How does your head know your arm works?’

He touched his face. ‘So… now what?’

I shrugged. ‘Did the Pekin man look at Homo Sap walking erect and say, „Now what?” We’ll live, that’s all, like a man, like a tree, like anything else that lives. We’ll feed and grow and experiment and breed. We’ll defend ourselves.’ I spread my hands. ‘We’ll just do what comes naturally.’

‘But what can you do?’

‘What can an electric motor do? It depends on where we apply ourselves.’

Stern was very pale. ‘Just what do you – want to do?’

I thought about that. He waited until I was quite finished thinking and didn’t say anything. ‘Know what?’ I said at last.’ Ever since I was born, people been kicking me around, right up until Miss Kew took over. And what happened with her? She damn near killed me.’

I thought some more, and said, ‘Everybody’s had fun but me. The kind of fun everybody has is kicking someone around, someone small who can’t fight back. Or they do you favours until they own you, or kill you.’ I looked at him and grinned. ‘I’m just going to have fun, that’s all.’

He turned his back. I think he was going to pace the floor, but right away he turned again. I knew then he would keep an eye on me. He said, ‘You’ve come a long way since you walked in here.’

I nodded. ‘You’re a good head-shrinker.’

‘Thanks,’ he said bitterly. ‘And you figure you’re all cured now, all adjusted and ready to roll.’

‘Well sure. Don’t you?’

He shook his head. ‘All you’ve found out is what you are. You have a lot more to learn.’

I was willing to be patient. ‘Like?’

‘Like finding out what happens to people who have to live with guilt like yours. You’re different, Gerry, but you’re not that different.’

‘I should feel guilty about saving my life?’

He ignored that. ‘One other thing: You said a while back that you’d been mad at everybody all your life – that’s the way you lived. Have you ever wondered why?’

‘Can’t say I have.’

‘One reason is that you were so alone. That’s why being with the other kids, and then with Miss Kew, came to mean so much.’

‘So? I’ve still got the kids.’

He shook his head slowly. ‘You and the kids are a single creature. Unique. Unprecedented.’ He pointed the pipe-stem at me. ‘Alone.’

The blood started to pound in my ears.

‘Shut up,’ I said.

‘Just think about it,’ he said softly. ‘You can do practically anything. You can have practically everything. And none of it will keep you from being alone.’

‘Shut up, shut up… Everybody’s alone.’

He nodded. ‘But some people learn how to live with it.’

‘How?’

He said, after a time, ‘Because of something’you don’t know anything about. It wouldn’t mean anything to you if I told you.’

‘Tell me and see.’

He gave me the strangest look ‘It’s sometimes called morality.’

‘I guess you’re right. I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ I pulled myself together. I didn’t have to listen to this. ‘You’re afraid,’ I said. ‘You’re afraid of Homo Gestalt.’

He made a wonderful effort and smiled. ‘That’s bastard terminology.’

‘We’re a bastard breed,’ I said. I pointed. ‘Sit down over there.’

He crossed the quiet room and sat at the desk. I leaned close to him and he went to sleep with his eyes open. I straightened up and looked around the room. Then I got the thermos flask and filled it and put it on the desk. I fixed the corner of the rug and put a clean towel at the head of the couch. I went to the side of the desk and opened it and looked at the tape recorder.

Like reaching out a hand, I got Beanie. She stood by the desk, wide-eyed.

‘Look here,’ I told her. ‘Look good, now. What I want to do is erase all this tape. Go ask Baby how.’

She blinked at me and sort of shook herself, and then leaned over the recorder. She was there – and gone – and back, just like that. She pushed past me and turned two knobs, moved a pointer until it clicked twice. The tape raced backward past the head swiftly, whining.

‘All right,’ I said, ‘beat it.’

She vanished.

I got my jacket and went to the door. Stern was still sitting at the desk, staring.

‘A good head-shrinker,’ I murmured. I felt fine.

Outside I waited, then turned and went back in again.

Stern looked up at me. ‘Sit over there, Sonny.’

‘Gee,’ I said. ‘Sorry, sir. I got in the wrong office.’

‘That’s all right,’ he said.