Mort

KINGS GET THE SWORD, said Death. IT’S A ROYAL WHATSNAME, PREROGATIVE.

His free hand thrust its bony digits beneath his robe again and brought out King Olerve’s glass. In the top half the last few grains of sand were huddling together.

PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION, said Death, YOU MAY BE ASKED QUESTIONS AFTERWARDS.

“Wait,” said Mort, wretchedly. “It’s not fair. Can’t you stop it?”

FAIR? said Death. WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT FAIR?

“Well, if the other man is such a—”

LISTEN, said Death, FAIR DOESN’T COME INTO IT. YOU CAN’T TAKE SIDES. GOOD GRIEF. WHEN IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME. THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT, BOY.

“Mort,” moaned Mort, staring at the crowd.

And then he saw her. A random movement in the people opened up a channel between Mort and a slim, red-haired girl seated among a group of older women behind the king. She wasn’t exactly beautiful, being over-endowed in the freckle department and, frankly, rather on the skinny side. But the sight of her caused a shock that hot-wired Mort’s hindbrain and drove it all the way to the pit of his stomach, laughing nastily.

IT’S TIME, said Death, giving Mort a nudge with a sharp elbow. FOLLOW ME.

Death walked toward the king, weighing his sword in his hand. Mort blinked, and started to follow. The girl’s eyes met his for a second and immediately looked away—then swivelled back, dragging her head around, her mouth starting to open in an ‘o’ of horror.

Mort’s backbone melted. He started to run towards the king.

“Look out!” he screamed. “You’re in great danger!”

And the world turned into treacle. It began to fill up with blue and purple shadows, like a heatstroke dream, and sound faded away until the roar of the court became distant and scritchy, like the music in someone else’s headphones. Mort saw Death standing companionably by the king, his eyes turned up towards—

— the minstrel gallery.

Mort saw the bowman, saw the bow, saw the bolt now winging through the air at the speed of a sick snail. Slow as it was, he couldn’t outrun it. It seemed like hours before he could bring his leaden legs under control, but finally he managed to get both feet to touch the floor at the same time and kicked away with all the apparent acceleration of continental drift.

As he twisted slowly through the air Death said, without rancour, IT WON’T WORK, YOU KNOW. IT’S ONLY NATURAL THAT YOU SHOULD WANT TO TRY, BUT IT WON’T WORK.

Dream-like, Mort drifted through a silent world…

The bolt struck. Death brought his sword around in a double-handed swing that passed gently through the king’s neck without leaving a mark. To Mort, spiralling gently through the twilight world, it looked as though a ghostly shape had dropped away.

It couldn’t be the king, because he was manifestly still standing there, looking directly at Death with an expression of extreme surprise. There was a shadowy something around his feet, and a long way away people were reacting with shouts and screams.

A GOOD CLEAN JOB, said Death. ROYALTY ARE ALWAYS A PROBLEM. THEY TEND TO WANT TO HANG ON. YOUR AVERAGE PEASANT, NOW, HE CAN’T WAIT.

“Who the hell are you?” said the king. “What are you doing here? Eh? Guards! I deman—”

The insistent message from his eyes finally battered through to his brain. Mort was impressed. King Olerve had held on to his throne for many years and, even when dead, knew how to behave.

“Oh,” he said, “I see. I didn’t expect to see you so soon.”

YOUR MAJESTY, said Death, bowing, FEW DO.

The king looked around. It was quiet and dim in this shadow world, but outside there seemed to be a lot of excitement.

“That’s me down there, is it?”

I AM AFRAID SO, SIRE.

“Clean job. Crossbow, was it?”

YES. AND NOW, SIRE, IF YOU WOULD—

“Who did it?” said the king. Death hesitated.

A HIRED ASSASSIN FROM ANKH-MORPORK, he said.

“Hmm. Clever. I congratulate Sto Helit. And here’s me filling myself with antidotes. No antidote to cold steel, eh? Eh?”

INDEED NOT, SIRE.

“The old rope ladder and fast horse by the drawbridge trick, eh?”

SO IT WOULD APPEAR, SIRE, said Death, taking the king’s shade gently by the arm. IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION, THOUGH, THE HORSE NEEDS TO BE FAST.

“Eh?”

Death allowed his fixed grin to widen a little.

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH ITS RIDER TOMORROW IN ANKH, said Death. YOU SEE, HE ALLOWED THE DUKE TO PROVIDE HIM WITH A PACKED LUNCH.

The king, whose eminent suitability for his job meant that he was not automatically quick on the uptake, considered this for a moment and then gave a short laugh. He noticed Mort for the first time.

“Who’s this?” he said, “He dead too?”

MY APPRENTICE, said Death. WHO WILL BE GETTING A GOOD TALKING-TO BEFORE HE’S MUCH OLDER, THE SCALLYWAG.