Myth-Gotten Gains

"Oh, it is an interesting story," Buirnie said, pleased to be asked a question. "I wrote a song about it. It has eight thousand verses. Would you like to hear it? It would help to pass the time! You'll like the chorus. It goes, 'Once upon a time there was a Hoard..."'

"No!" I roared.

Birds and small animals erupted out of the bushes and fled in all directions.

"My goodness, big fellah, you sure can project when you have to," Buirnie said. "I could play some instrumental music, so the little lady can dance!" His emerald eyes twinkled up at the Walt. She looked like a shy girl at a dance being annoyed by a couple of nerds. I put my foot down.

"No songs," I said. "No epics. No poems. No katas. No dances."

The Fife pouted. "You're no fun. How about a joke? Hey, Calypsa gal, I know some jokes about dancers. Guy walks into

a barre, goes up to another guy and says, 'Say, do you dance here often?' The other guy says, 'No, but my kids plie around here.' Get it? Barre? Plie?"

Calypsa laughed. "I have not heard that one before."

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter."

"That's how you entertained kings and emperors?" I asked. "I'm not impressed."

"Perhaps the joke was above your comprehension, Pervect," Buirnie said. "I'll talk slower next time."

"Perhaps I will tell it," Ersatz said. "I can cut things short when required."

"Bravo, Ersatz!" Buirnie exclaimed. The drum rolled a rim-shot. "You're a laugh a minute! Not!"

"Did I say something funny?" the sword asked.

"Didn't you say it on purpose?" Buirnie asked. "Cut? Short? Get it? He's got no sense of humor."

"The Hoard," Ersatz said, raising his voice over the soprano pipe of the Fife, "formed almost by accident. It happened in the great dimension of Valhal."

"Valhal?" I asked. I searched my memory. "Never heard of it."

Ersatz let out a singing noise like a sigh. "Not surprising, for it is no more. I will tell you what came to pass. Thousands of years ago, there was a terrible war between four factions, the nations of Thorness, Odinsk, Freyaburg and Heimdale, each led by rulers who were eager to capture the whole of a most fertile and rich continent."

"It's starting to sound familiar," I said.

"They were famous in their day. Naturally, they have since passed into legend. Four armies, each legends of power and prowess, each carrying one of us."

"Not me, of course," Kelsa said. "I wasn't there. Yet."

"Nay," Ersatz said. "It was I and Asti, Chin-Hwag and Pilius, the Great Spear. Each of us was at the height of our powers. I had been brought to Valhal in that very year by a

traveling Deveel salesman whom the Emperor of Thorness chose to arm him for the coming battle. The armies met on the field of honor. They battled one another bravely, using our abilities and talents, as well as those of mere spear-carriers..."

"You should excuse the expression," Kelsa added. "There was only one spear who really mattered."

"...The mortal soldiers," Ersatz continued, with a long-suffering glance at her. "Yet, they came to a standstill, all four facing one another over a square portion of territory that came to be known as "No-Val's-Land." None could penetrate the others' lines. When sally after sally produced no movement, it behooved our leaders to attempt to end the war through negotiation. Such was my counsel, at any rate."

"Mine, too," Asti said. "I was getting tired of healing sword slashes and mace blows, and all for nothing!"

I nodded. "Stands to reason. That's what I would do."

"Aye. It was a demonstration of the greatest futility of war, the slaying of pawns, yet not gaining another inch for all the pain. They came to a halt around a small vale, where lay a vaulted hall, long abandoned, but still large enough for the four leaders and their advisors to use as a meeting place. It was a historical moment when we were all brought together by the four leaders as they attempted to hammer out a peace accord. Beer flowed freely. In fact, we were all inundated in it!"

"It was my best beer," Asti sighed. "A very special recipe I came up with for the occasion."

"Sounds like a great party," I said.

"In the presence of that catalyst, we felt ourselves changed. Our auras overlapped, and an alteration came to pass."

"I've been at parties like that," Tananda said, with a reminiscent smile.

"That is not what I meant," Ersatz said sternly.

"That's what YOU think."

"We had become sentient, and aware of the others. We were greater than our creators had made us. We had purpose.

That which was lacking in each of us had been awakened by the others."

"Sounds like some kind of mutual admiration society," I said.

"Not really," Asti said. "All I knew was I was no longer the only magik item. I was used to sharing, but not the attention paid to me. I didn't like it."