Myth-Told Tales

"Pleased to meetcha. Look, there's gonna be some renegotiatin' come the expiration of this current contract," he said, turning back to the king. "I just want to warn you what is in the Don's mind."

"There will be no renegotiation if this is not solved, because I will refuse to renew your service contract if you don't help me," Petherwick said, majestically. "We have so far successfully explained to shocked shoppers that the dead or dismembered bodies they have come upon unawares as being part of Slay Days, a period of deep discounts symbolized by models of fierce beasts being dispatched by knights and wizards." He gestured to a pair of displays that flanked his throne room. Cardboard cutouts of reptiles snarled at bay as Klahds in silver mail pierced them with swords or spears.

"I thought you said that these were armored knights that they were finding," Nunzio said.

Petherwick shrugged. "The dragon doesn't always lose, my friend. But my customers have been most understanding, and we have responded with generosity if they do not overreact. If they find a dead body in the aisle, they are entitled to a twenty percent discount off one item that day."

"Thirty percent, if the item comes from that aisle," Lord Dalhailey added. "We call it our 'Blue Blood Special.' I added that clause myself. As a service to the consumer, of course. We don't want them thinking that we are bloodthirsty vultures interested only in the bottom line."

"Even if you are bloodthirsty vultures interested in the bottom line," Guido said.

Dalhailey looked as indignant as Petherwick had. "Sir, I resent your implication! We have mouths to feed, thousands of them. Almost a third of the population of Shoalmirk followed his majesty into exile." Here he bowed toward Petherwick, who waved a hand in acknowledgment. "You have no idea how difficult it has been to keep them convinced that this move to Deva is in their best interests."

"But the chief concern is the depletion of the treasury. This beast is managing not only to attack my people, but to rob us of our legitimate proceeds," Petherwick said, dragging the enforcers' minds back to what I believe was his main point all along. "We have been holding a one-week special on luxury dry goods that has proved surprisingly profitable. The proceeds from all the stores are brought in and amassed here in our flagship location. I do not wish to lose any of the gold we have earned from those sales. Do you think that two of you and this ... this lizard can succeed before we are robbed again?"

"That would be our intention," Guido said, carefully keeping his tone level.

I felt it incumbent upon me to make a comment at this stage.

"Gleep!"

Everyone turned to look at me. King Petherwick sneered.

"Not too impressive, is he? I thought your employer would send the wizard he's got working for him. Sneeze, I think he said the name is?"

"Skeeve," Nunzio said, restraining Guido with a palm to the chest. "He's on vacation. This is his dragon."

"Hardly a substitute." Petherwick waved an imperious hand. "Well, get on with it. The sooner you find what happened to my gold, the sooner we can talk about the next contract."

"I knew it," Guido exploded the moment we were out of earshot of the retail monarch. "I knew this mook would be trouble. When we was signin' up prospects, once I heard he was from Klah and checked him out a lit-tie with Big Julie, I said skip this place. But no, the Don says he's gotta have a hundred percent subscription in the area. This guy calls us in for all kinds of petty stuff that are none of our Business, and I sez this with a capital B, as you can tell."

"Are you questioning our boss?" Nunzio asked, with a lifted eyebrow that was the sole skepticism he showed his much larger cousin.

"Not officially, no," Guido sighed. "The Don tells us to do somethin' and we do it. I just don't think this penny-ante loser is worth our time."

"The Don says he is, so he is. Our allegiance is to our boss, not to King Petherwick. I agree he's not much of a king, though he's turnin' into some kind of hot-shot retailer."

"Still, there are elements of rank deception involved here. How many times we been called out to one or another of his establishments for what has turned out to be one kind of false alarm or another, just to prove that he has the Don Bruce Protection Plan workin' overtime for him? I have lost what parts of my girlish laughter I still retained in trottin' over to here or one of the other many stores. It has caused us to bring in other associate members of the Mob to look after those other places, and with no additional recompense to absorb that expense. And you heard his marketing guy. Five more to come! The guy is a filch."

Nunzio shook his head. "But here I am worried about the loss of life. Somethin' that can take that big a bite out of a solid stone pillar is a danger to the public. We gotta take it out"

"I agree, too," I exclaimed, but as usual, my comment came out "Gleep!"