Night Watch

“Not for long, not for long. I smell of roses, me, haha. Visitor to the city, got lost, very helpful to the Watch, so sorry to have bothered them, here's a little something for their trouble…You shouldn't of stopped the Watch taking bribes, Mister Vimes. It means an easier life all round, haha.”

“Then I'll nail you some other way, Carcer.”

Carcer inserted a finger in his nose, wiggled it around, withdrew it, inspected its contents critically and flicked them towards the ceiling.

“Well, that's where it all goes runny, Mister Vimes. You see, I wasn't dragged in by four coppers. I didn't go around assaulting watchmen, or trying to break into the University—”

“I was knocking on the door!”

“I believe you, Mister Vimes. But you know what coppers are like. You look at 'em in a funny way, and the buggers'll fit you up for every crime in the book. Terrible, what they can pin on an honest man, haha.”

Vimes knew it. “So you got some money,” he said.

“O'course, Mister Vimes. I'm a crook. And the best part is, it's even easier to be a crook when no one knows you're a crook, haha. But coppering depends on people believing you're a copper. A turn-up for the books, eh? You know we're back in the good old days, haha?”

“It seems that way,” Vimes admitted. He didn't like talking to Carcer, but right now he seemed to be the only real person around.

“Where did you land, if I may ask?”

“In the Shades.”

“Me too. Couple of blokes tried to mug me where I lay. Me! I ask you, Mister Vimes! Still, they had some money on them, so that worked out all right. Yes, I think I'm going to be very happy here. Ah, here comes one of our brave lads…”

A watchman walked along the passage, swinging his keys. He was elderly, the kind of copper who gets given the jobs where swinging keys is more likely than swinging a truncheon, and his most distinguishing feature was a nose twice the width and half the length of the average nose. He stared at Vimes for a moment, and then passed on to Carcer's cell. He unlocked the door.

“You. Hop it,” he said.

“Yessir. Thank you, sir,” said Carcer, hurrying out. He pointed to Vimes. “You wanna watch that one, sir. He's an animal. Decent people shouldn't be locked up in the same cells, sir.”

“Hop it, I said.”

“Hopping it, sir. Thank you, sir.” And Carcer, with a leery wink at Vimes, hopped it.

The jailer turned to Vimes. “And what's your name, hnah, mister?”

“John Keel,” said Vimes.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and I've had my kicking. Fair's fair. I'd like to go now.”

“Oh, you'd like to go, would you? Hnah! You'd like me to hand over these keys, hnah, and give you five pence from the poor box for your, hnah, trouble, eh?”

The man was standing very close to the bars, with the grin of one who mistakenly thinks he's a wit when he's only half a one. And if Vimes's reflexes were quicker, and he'd bet they were even now, it'd be the work of a second to pull the old fool forcibly into the bars and spread his nose even further across his face. No doubt about it, the psychopaths had it the easy way.

“Just freedom would do,” he said, resisting temptation.

“You ain't going anywhere, hnah, 'cept to see the captain,” said the jailer.

“That'd be Captain Tilden?” said Vimes. “Have I got that right? Smokes like a bonfire? Got a brass ear and a wooden leg?”

“Yeah, an' he can have you shot, hnah, how d'you like them bananas?”

The cluttered desk of Vimes's memory finally unearthed the inadvertent coffee mat of recollection from under the teacup of forgetfulness.

“You're Snouty,” he said. “Right? Some bloke broke your nose and it never got set properly! And your eyes water all the time which is why they gave you permanent jail duty—”

“Do I know you, mister?” said Snouty, peering at Vimes through suspicious, running eyes.

“Me? No. No!” said Vimes hastily. “But I've heard people talk about you. Practically runs the Watch House, they said. Very fair man, they said. Firm but fair. Never spits in the gruel, never widdles in the tea. And never confuses his fruit, either.”

The visible parts of Snouty's face contorted into the resentful scowl of someone who can't quite keep up with the script.

“Oh yeah?” he managed. “Well, hnah, I've always kept a clean cell, that's very true.” He looked a little nonplussed at the development, but managed another scowl. “You stay there, mister, and I'll go an' tell the captain you woke up.”

Vimes went back and lay on the bunk, staring at the badly spelled and anatomically incorrect graffiti on the ceiling. For a while there was a raised voice from upstairs, with an occasional intrusive “hnah!” from Snouty.

Then he heard the jailer's footsteps on the stairs again.

“Well, well, well,” he said, with the tone of someone looking forward to seeing a third party get what was coming to them. “Turns out the captain wants to see you right away. Now, are you gonna let me shackle you, hnah, or do I call the lads down?”