One Man’s Bible

If there happened to be an incident, the responsibility would naturally fall on him. The conversation, lasting less than five minutes, ended at that point. It took place before the outbreak of the Cultural Revolution, before the bureau chief’s husband was declared an anti-Party black-gang go-getter, before Comrade Wang Qi herself was declared an anti-Party element, and while she still held an important position in the workplace. Whether it was a hint, an alert, or a warning, the message was clear. The heavy palpitations in his heart and the burning sensation on his face took a long time to subside.

He resolved to break up with Lin. After work, he waited downstairs for her, and they walked out of the building together. He knew they were being watched. He needed challenge, but with such a challenge he was keenly aware of his own impotence. They walked along the road, pushing their bicycles, for some time, before he eventually told Lin about this conversation.

“So what?” Lin didn’t take it seriously. “Let them say what they like.”

He said probably it was nothing for her, but it would not be so in his case.

“Why?” Lin came to a stop.

“It’s an unequal relationship!” he blurted.

“Why is it unequal? I don’t understand.”

“Because you’ve got everything and I’ve got nothing.”

“But I’m willing!”

He said he did not want favors, that he was not a slave! Actually, what he wanted to say was that under the unbearable circumstances, it was impossible to have an emotionally happy life. However, at the time, he could not make himself clear.

“So, who’s treating you as a slave?”

Lin came to a stop under the streetlight and glared at him. People passing by were stopping to look at them. He suggested going to Jingshan Park to talk. The park stopped selling tickets at nine-thirty and closed at ten. He said they would be out quickly, and the gatekeeper let them in. Normally, when they had a date, they would cycle to the park after work, go up the hill, and find a clump of bushes away from the path, where they could see the lights of the whole city. Lin would casually take off her panty hose, and she did this very seductively. Her panty hose were luxury goods at the time and only available in service departments for people traveling overseas; they were not available in ordinary shops. There was not enough time to go up the hill, so they stopped in the shadow of a big tree by the path not far from the gate. His intention had been to make it quite clear that their relationship was henceforth ended, but when Lin started crying, he didn’t know what to do. He held her face in his hands and brushed away her tears, but she began to weep and then to sob loudly. He kissed her, and they embraced like a pair of heartbroken lovers. He could not stop himself from kissing her face, lips, neck, breasts, and belly. The siren sounded over the loudspeakers: “Comrades in the park, your attention, please!”

The park had powerful loudspeakers that made a person’s eardrums reverberate. At festivals, from morning to night, they were used for broadcasting revolutionary songs; they were also used at normal times to get people out of the park at closing time.

“Comrades in the park, your attention, please. It is closing time, and the park will be immediately locked up for cleaning!”

He ripped her panty hose under her skirt, thinking it was the last time. Lin hugged him tight, she was shaking all over. However, it was not the last time, but they no longer spoke at work. Each time before parting, they had to decide the location for their next date: in the shadows where streetlights did not reach, by which wall, or under which tree. Once on the street, they would get onto their bicycles separately, and cycle ten or twenty meters apart. The greater the secrecy the greater was the feeling that it was an illicit affair, and, more and more, he sensed that the relationship would end sooner or later.

12

The telephone wakes you and you wonder if you should answer it.

“It’s probably a woman, have you forgotten a date?” She is sitting propped against the pillow and turns to look down at you.

“More likely it’s for some reception,” you say.

“Someone was knocking while you were asleep.” She sounds tired.

You raise your head to look up. The sun behind the velvet drapes is shining through the gauze curtains onto the back of the sofa, a newspaper had been pushed under the door. You reach out to pick up the phone, but it stops ringing.

“Have you been awake long?” you ask.

“I feel rather hollow. You started snoring as soon as you fell asleep.”

“Why didn’t you give me a shove and wake me up? Didn’t you sleep at all?” You caress the curves of her shoulders; her body is familiar and intimate, even the warm smell of her body.

“You were so fast asleep. Go back to sleep, you haven’t had a decent sleep for two nights.” Her dull eyes have dark shadows beneath them.

“Isn’t it the same for you?” Your hands glide down her shoulders, grab her breasts and squeeze them hard.