One Man’s Bible

You say you have no inhibitions. She says she has even less. You say this is Hong Kong, and China is now far away from you. You get up and press against her. She asks you to switch off the main light, and you again enter her moist body.

“Are you deeply attracted to me?” She is slightly breathless.

“Yes, I’m buried.” You say you are buried in her flesh.

“Flesh only?”

“Yes, and there are no memories, only this instant.”

She says she also needs to be fused like this in darkness, in nebulous chaos.

“Just to feel the warmth of a woman. …”

“Men also have warmth. It’s been a long time since. …”

“You’ve had a man?”

“Since I’ve had this sort of sensation, this trembling. …”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know why. …”

“Try to say why!”

“I wouldn’t be able to make myself clear. …”

“Is it because it happened so suddenly and was totally unexpected?”

“Don’t ask.”

But you want her to tell you! She says no. But you keep at her, keep taking it further, go on asking her. Is it because you’ve met by chance? Is it because you don’t understand one another? Is it more exciting because you’re strangers? Or does she simply seek after such thrills? She shakes her head each time to say no. She says she’s known you a long time; even though many years have passed and she’d only seen you twice, your image stayed with her and grew more and more distinct. She also says that just now, a few hours ago, when she saw you she became excited. She says she doesn’t casually go to bed with men, she isn’t a slut, but she doesn’t lack men either. Don’t hurt her like this. … You’re moved by her, need to be intimate with her and not just sexually. Hong Kong is a foreign place for you and for her. That small association with her is a memory from ten years ago on the other side of the sea, when you were still in China.

“It was in your home, one night in winter. …”

“That home was confiscated a long time ago.”

“Your home was warm, special, it had a warm feeling.”

“It was warm air piped in by a generator. The pipes were always very hot. Even in winter, only a single layer of clothing was needed inside. The two of you arrived in big padded overcoats with upturned collars.”

“We were worried about being seen and getting you in trouble—” “Yes, the regular plainclothes police were on duty at the front of the building. They finished at ten o’clock at night. It was pretty awful for the next shift in the howling winter wind.”

“It was Peter who suddenly thought to drop in on you, without phoning. You were old friends, he said, and as he was taking me to your home it was best going at night to avoid being stopped and questioned.”

“I didn’t have a line installed because I didn’t want friends talking carelessly on the phone, and also to avoid having anything to do with foreigners. Peter was an exception, he’d come to China to study Chinese. At the time he was passionate about Mao’s Cultural Revolution and we used to argue often, but he’d been a friend for some time. How is he?”

“We separated long ago. He was a representative in the China office of a German company, found a Chinese girl, married her, and took her back to Germany. I heard that he’s now the boss of a company he had started up. Back then, I’d only just arrived in Beijing to study. I didn’t speak much Chinese and it was hard to make Chinese friends.”

“I remember you, of course I remember you. As soon as you came through the door you took off your big padded coat and your scarf, and there stood a very beautiful young foreign woman!”

“With big breasts, right?”

“Of course, very big breasts. Blushing white skin and bright red lips even with no lipstick. Really sexy.”

“You couldn’t have known at the time!”

“You were so bright red, it was impossible not to notice.”

“It was because it was too hot in the room and we’d been cycling for more than an hour.”

“That night you sat quietly opposite me but didn’t say much.”

“I was struggling to understand what was being said. You and Peter were talking all the time, although I don’t recall what about. I didn’t know much Chinese at the time but I remember that night, I had a strange feeling.”

You, of course, also remember that winter night, you had candles burning, which added to the warmth, and you couldn’t tell if there was anyone downstairs watching your window. You had finally obtained a little apartment, a decent refuge, a home, and you had a fortress to protect yourself from the political storms outside. She sat on the carpet with her back against the bookcase. It was a clipped woollen carpet made for export, that had gone on the domestic market. Sold at a reduced price as a second-grade product, it was still expensive, exactly the amount of advance royalty you had received for your book. However, that book, which did not so much as touch on politics, stirred up a great deal of trouble for you. Her shirt collar was open and her skin was very white, and those long legs in sleek black stockings were enticing.