Pandemic

After finishing at the Royal Free Hospital and then visiting the headquarters of the London Health Commission, Haldane did not get his first glimpse of his hotel room until after 1:00 A.M. The message light was blinking on his phone, but he opted instead to check his e-mail. Propped on a pillow against the bed's headboard, he rested the notebook computer on his lap and flipped it open. After linking to the hotel's wireless network, he downloaded his e-mails. Several of the 224 messages were marked "urgent," but when Noah noticed his wife's name among the list of senders he went straight for her message. Sent almost twenty-four hours earlier, she had left the subject field blank. He read:

Noah,

I can't imagine a more cowardly way to do this, but I didn't know how else to reach you before you came home. And I don't think I can look you in the eye and say what I need to say.

Noah, I never thought I could love anyone else the way I have loved you, but I can't deny any longer to you or to myself how deeply I have fallen for Julie. Gay? Straight? Bisexual? I don't know, "selfish" might be the only term that applies.

You've always been loving and decent to me. Even in those dark months when you withdrew from the world, I felt your pain. I know you never set out to hurt me. And it wasn't an excuse for what I did. There is no excuse.

Noah, you are a good person… maybe a great person… I am not. Still, I have tried to do the right thing. I wanted to turn my back on this consuming passion. Or is it addiction? God help me, I still do! But in the end, I can't.

Love? Lust? Infatuation? I don't know. I've lost my perspective. But whatever it is, I can't help how strongly I feel it.

I know so much more than my feelings are at stake. Chloe and you… But right now, I need time and I need space. Noah, I hope you will be willing to give me both though I deserve neither.

Anna.

Haldane sat and stared at the letters on the screen, without reading the e-mail again.

He wasn't shocked by any of what Anna had written. The signs had been building for some time. However, his calmness did surprise him; and even more astounding were the flickers of relief. He had heard patients say that the not knowing was worse than having the worst confirmed, but he hadn't believed them. Now at least in the case of his wife, he understood. The crippling doubt and agonizing second-guessing evaporated, replaced by a heavyhearted sense of purpose. Saddened as he was, at least he could start looking ahead instead of behind.

His cell phone rang, and he absentmindedly reached for it. "Hello?"

"Oh, Noah!" Anna said. "I've been trying to reach you all day."

He sat up over the side of the bed. "Is Chloe okay?"

"She's fine," Anna said. "It's just that I sent you an e-mail yesterday… when I thought you were on your way home."

She paused, but when Haldane didn't comment, she continued in her frantic tone. "I never would have sent it if I'd known you were going to London to fight this epidemic. What an awful thing to put on your plate with you already facing so much!"

"Why awful?" Haldane asked evenly.

"It was such a stupid e-mail. All melodramatic and full of impulsive thoughts like something a fourteen-year-old might write." She swallowed loudly. "Noah, please, will you just delete it?"

"Okay," he said.

"And can we pretend I never sent it?" she added.

He considered it for a while, then he said, "Anna, can I speak to Chloe?"

"Mom's got her for dinner. She won't be home for a couple more hours." Anna hesitated. "Noah, the e-mail? Will you destroy it for me?"

"If you like."

"Very, very much," she said with a nervous laugh. When he didn't comment, Anna spoke up to fill in the silence. "Noah, this Gansu Flu. The media makes it sound so dangerous over there!"

"They exaggerate," he said.

"You are being really careful, right?"

"Always," he said distantly.

"Noah, please come home soon," she said, her voice cracking. "Chloe misses you so much, and I…"

"Anna," Haldane said.

She swallowed again. "Yeah?"

"The answer is yes."

"Yes?"

"You can have time and space," he said.

"Noah, I told you, it was just an impulsive—"

"We both know that's not true," he cut her off. "You have a lot to sort out. I understand. I want you to. It's important for all of us." He cleared the lump from his throat. "Do what you have to do. Okay, Anna?"

Through the slight static, he heard his wife sobbing softly on the end of the line. "Will you still be there afterward?" she asked in a whisper.

* * *

Haldane woke up early the next morning with a slight headache and an ill-defined sense of defeat, like a drunk waking up after a fall off the wagon.