Reaper Man

‘Join hands,’ said Mrs Cake.

They sat in the semi-darkness. Then Windle felt Mrs Cake’s hand being pulled away.

‘Oi forgot about the glass,’ she said.

‘I thought, Mrs Cake, that you didn’t hold with ouija boards and that sort of—’ Windle began. There was a glugging noise from the sideboard. Mrs Cake put a full glass on the tablecloth and sat down again.

‘Oi don’t,’ she said.

Silence descended again. Windle cleared his throat nervously.

Eventually Mrs Cake said, ‘All right, One-Man-Bucket, oi knows you’re there.’

The glass moved. The amber liquid inside sloshed gently.

A bodiless voice quavered, greetings, pale face, from the happy hunting ground—

‘You stop that,’ said Mrs Cake. ‘Everyone knows you got run over by a cart in Treacle Street because you was drunk, One-Man-Bucket.’

s’not my fault. not my fault. is it my fault my great-grandad moved here? by rights I should have been mauled to death by a mountain lion or a giant mammoth or something. I bin denied my deathright.

‘Mr Poons here wants to ask you a question, One-Man-Bucket,’ said Mrs Cake.

she is happy here and waiting for you to join her, said One-Man-Bucket.

‘Who is?’ said Windle.

This seemed to fox One-Man-Bucket. It was a line that generally satisfied without further explanation.

who would you like? he asked cautiously. can I have that drink now?

‘Not yet, One-Man-Bucket,’ said Mrs Cake.

well, I need it. it’s bloody crowded in here.

‘What?’ said Windle quickly. ‘With ghosts, you mean?’

there’s hundreds of ’em, said the voice of One-Man-Bucket.

Windle was disappointed.

‘Only hundreds?’ he said. ‘That doesn’t sound a lot.’

‘Not many people become ghosts,’ said Mrs Cake. ‘To be a ghost, you got to have, like, serious unfinished business, or a terrible revenge to take, or a cosmic purpose in which you are just a pawn.’

or a cruel thirst, said One-Man-Bucket.

‘Will you hark at him,’ said Mrs Cake.

I wanted to stay in the spirit world, or even wine and beer. hngh, hngh, hngh.

‘So what happens to the life force if things stop living?’ said Windle. ‘Is that what’s causing all this trouble?’

‘You tell the man,’ said Mrs Cake, when One-Man-Bucket seemed reluctant to answer.

what trouble you talking about?

‘Things unscrewing. Clothes running around by themselves. Everyone feeling more alive. That sort of thing.’

that? that’s nothing. see, the life force leaks back where it can. you don’t need to worry about that.

Windle put his hand over the glass.

‘But there’s something I should be worrying about, isn’t there,’ he said flatly. ‘It’s to do with the little glass souvenirs.’

don’t like to say.

‘Do tell him.’

It was Ludmilla’s voice — deep but, somehow, attractive. Lupine was watching her intently. Windle smiled. That was one of the advantages about being dead. You spotted things the living ignored.

One-Man-Bucket sounded shrill and petulant.

what’s he going to do if I tell him, then? I could get into heap big trouble for that sort of thing.

‘Well, can you tell me if I guess right?’ said Windle.

ye-ess. maybe.

‘You don’t have to say anythin’,’ said Mrs Cake. ‘Just knock twice for yes and once for no, like in the old days.’

oh, all right.

‘Go on, Mr Poons,’ said Ludmilla. She had the kind of voice Windle wanted to stroke.

He cleared his throat.

‘I think,’ he began, ‘that is, I think they’re some sort of eggs. I thought … why breakfast? and then I thought … eggs …’

Knock.

‘Oh. Well, perhaps it was a rather silly idea …’

sorry, was it once for yes or twice for yes?

‘Twoice!’ snapped the medium.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

‘Ah,’ breathed Windle. ‘And they hatched into something with wheels on?’

twice for yes, was it?

‘Roight!’

KNOCK. KNOCK.

‘I thought so. I thought so! I found one under my floor that tried to hatch where there wasn’t enough room!’ crowed Windle. Then he frowned.

‘But hatch into what?’

Mustrum Ridcully trotted into his study and took his wizard’s staff from its rack over the fireplace. He licked his finger and gingerly touched the top of the staff.^{34} There was a small octarine spark and a smell of greasy tin.

He headed back for the door.

Then he turned around slowly, because his brain had just had time to analyse the study’s cluttered contents and spot the oddity.