Right to Life

THE THIRD DAY TWELVE

June 10, 1998

11:45 p.m.

The headbox again. The still stifling air. The silence.

She'd been standing alone for what must have been hours. Her belly pressed to the X of the crossbeams, arms and legs manacled, leg spread wide apart and arms low across the center of the X to insure circulation. It was as though she were hugging the thing. Not punishment, he said, just convenience this time. They were going out to a movie. They were going out for a pizza. They needed to get out of the house for a while. As though it were the most ordinary thing in the world just to leave her here.

The day after she'd buried a man.

The day after they had killed him.

Before he left he'd slipped the bedpan between her legs and she'd used it awhile ago, pissed into the silence, unable in the deep thick quiet of the box even to know if she'd hit or missed her target, only knowing that some of it had run down her leg and still felt sticky and uncomfortable along her thigh, a trail of her own self-disgust because she could do nothing to stop this new humiliation nor any other. It was a wonder to her that a human being could turn so powerless all in the course of a few days' time. Not even days. In moments.

Their faces haunted her, inhabiting the dark inside the box like pale flickering holograms. The woman's face so empty of feeling, of any recognizable emotion at all as though this were nothing to her. Routine. Another day in the life. His face nervous and unsettled – reading lust, greed, power.

She had written out and signed the letters he dictated but was certain they'd fool no one who actually knew her. The language was his language, not hers. Stilted, formal. It betrayed him. It was not going to convince anybody that she was here on her own free will much less an accessory to murder.

I am filled with uncertainty and doubt. A baby's life is a sacred thing, isn't it? How dare I take this step?

What's your problem? she thought, whoever the hell you are. Why's this so damned all-important to you? What happened? Mommy never breast-feed you?

The woman, Kath, was only along for the ride. It seemed obvious that none of this was her idea. That didn't matter, though. Because it was also obvious that she'd continue to play her part in Sara's nasty little drama. But she knew that the craziness originated with him. That if there was an Organization it was he who'd joined it, he who'd decided to capture her, he who dreamt up the tortures and humiliations. The woman was just a follower.

She wondered how willing a follower. Was there any weakness there? Anything she could exploit? She doubted it, but she'd watch for it nevertheless.

Watch for it. Now there's a bad joke, she thought.

She hadn't seen anything but the dark and the images inside her head since entering their names in her address book the night before. They'd blindfolded her, stripped her and led her down here to lie the night through in the Long Box, in her coffin. Got her up and fed her a peanut butter sandwich and tied her naked to the chair – which she realized for the first time today was bolted to the floor. Fed her again and hung her on the X-frame for however long it was going to take them to see their movie and eat their goddamn pizza.

For however long they wanted.

Her breath smelled old and stale and sour inside the box. An old person's breath.

She was growing old here.

The baby still blooming inside her.

The beautiful baby girl. The one she'd wanted to kill.

No, goddammit, that was his thinking. An abortion wasn't murder. An abortion was only her, Sara Foster, in the act of controlling her own body. Exercising will and choice over her own destiny. If anything this was closer to murder. This utter forced loss of control to the point where she couldn't even take a piss without fouling herself or feed herself or take a drink except when he permitted it. You could murder a personality, an identity, just as easily you could kill the body.

She wondered how long it would take for him to do that. To make her into another little zombie like Kath who wanted only to please him and accepted whatever he did or wanted.

Even to digging graves for him.

She wondered if he could. She knew about brainwashing. She knew it was possible. But possible for her? That was another thing.

Resisting could mean death. Pretending was risky in the extreme. Giving in was unthinkable.

Could he really expect her to have this baby for him?

To live the next six months this way and then give birth to a child?

The idea was monstrous. Lunatic.

And why? What could he have in mind? For the baby or for her?

Zombie mother? Zombie child?

***