Sex and the Single Vampire

"I used to look like you," I told her, suddenly feeling a bit tetchy and peevish. "I used to be professional-looking, and on top of everything and with it and all that. Nothing rattled me. Well, not much. I had a plan, a life plan. I knew where I was going, and how I was going to get there. Now look what I've turned into." I sat back and the leather protested with a rude, wet sucking noise. "I fell in love. This is what happens when you fall in love. You end up wet, with a houseful of ghosts, and a man who thinks he's responsible for everyone's happiness but his own. Taking it all into consideration, I highly advise you against falling in love with anyone, mortal or not."

She grinned at me. I sighed. She was too cute; some guy was bound to snatch her up and make her wet and miserable, too. "Esme, would you show Alis to the ceramic room? Her screaming is making my head pound. Then perhaps you all could watch some TV quietly. I need to talk to Noelle about rescuing Christian."

"Rescue? Why would you wish to rescue that dead one? I for one am enjoying 'is absence."

I batted Antonio away from where he'd perched on the edge of the desk.

"Ooh, a rescue! Mr. Woogums and I dearly love a good rescue. What can we do to help?"

"Nothing," I said, too tired even to collapse and fall into a stupor. "There's nothing you can do. You're just ghosts."

"We may be ghosts, but we are extremely 'andsome and dashing ghosts," Antonio said as he strutted through the middle of the desk, twanging his codpiece suggestively at Noelle.

"That's right, I'm sure we can do something to help dear Christian." Esme nodded.

"Ahng wahaaaaaan," Jem added.

"I've never rescued a Dark One before," Noelle said slowly, a little frown appearing between her eyebrows. She even frowned cute. "I'm not absolutely certain that it's in my job description."

I stared at her.

"That was a joke."

"Oh. Ha, ha, ha."

"And I hate to contradict you, but if you're serious about rescuing this boyfriend of yours, your friends here might be very helpful indeed."

"There, you see? Even the nice Guardian says we could be of help!" Esme crowed. "I'm sure I'd have no problem overcoming a fiend or two, and Mr. Woogums would be happy to bite someone if only I can teach him how to focus his energy properly."

"I shall bring my rapier. I am most dashing with my rapier," Antonio told Noelle. He demonstrated with a few moves that would have left her without the ability to bear children had the rapier been made up of anything other than air and psychic energy.

Jem adopted a crouched wrestling pose and cracked his knuckles. "Eee oong anh."

"We shall all be able to help," Esme said with great satisfaction as she drifted toward the door. "I'll just fetch Alis back. I'm sure she'll be delighted to pretend the bad people are made of ceramic and yell at them."

I pounded my forehead gently on the desk.

"You know, they have a point. You might not think they can be of help, but just their appearance can give you a few seconds of diversion."

I stopped pounding long enough to look at Noelle. "I haven't told you what I'm up against. It's not just a few Summoners and the odd triumvirate or two. I have to get Christian away from Asmodeus, the demon lord, the demon master who I am fairly certain turned Christian's father and thus has some sort of connection to Christian."

Noelle frowned. "Oh. I'd forgotten you'd mentioned Asmodeus. That is a bit of a sticky wicket."

"How sticky a wicket is it?" I asked as Esme ushered Alis into the room, shushing her and whispering in her ear.

"Well…"

I sighed. I didn't have time or the energy to cope with much more. "Let me put it to you this way—do you know if it's possible to defeat a demon lord?"

She nodded. "You can defeat anything, if you go about it properly."

Well, that was hopeful. Kind of.

"Okay, next question: Do you know how to defeat a demon lord?"

She shook her head.

"Do you know someone who does?"

She shook her head again.

I started to get a bit desperate. I knew that because I had the overwhelming urge to giggle. I must have been more tired than I thought, because a couple of giggles slipped out as I asked, "Have you ever heard of anyone defeating a demon lord?"

She smiled as my giggling grew stronger. "No, I haven't."

I gave it up and just sat back in the chair and howled, wiping tears from my already damp face as I laughed the laugh of the mentally and physically exhausted. Esme hovered with a worried look on her face, Honoria snickered, Jem demonstrated his prowess by wrestling a chair to the ground, Alis (restrained by Esme's warning) honed her ancient-crone glare until it could split stone, and Antonio seated himself on the arm of Noelle's chair and proceeded to ask very personal questions about her preferences in men. By the time he got to whether or not her sexual partners had to be technically alive, I had managed to gather the few wits remaining to me and arranged them in a formation where I could think again.