Side Effects May Vary

“I don’t think there’s room in his heart for me or anyone else, not when you live inside of it.”

More tears. I felt an awkward hand on my back, patting me.

“Stop,” I said, not at all comforted by the touch.

“Thank you.” She sighed.

I smiled.

I knew the first step to filling the black hole inside of me, and it started with an apology. The most difficult things usually did.

Harvey. Now.

I’d only been asleep for about forty-five minutes when that asshole stumbled out of Alice’s room last night. I’m not a violent person, and I’m not the type of guy who’s going to beat up some dude because he looked at the girl I liked the wrong way. But when I saw that guy’s silhouette moving through the living room, I wanted to kill him.

This time yesterday morning, I’d woken up next to Alice with our bodies huddled together, our foreheads touching, and our skin warm with early morning sun. I wanted so badly for that to be my every morning. I’d made a point of being the first person in the house to wake up. Considering Bernie’s requirement to keep our door open, I didn’t think she would have appreciated us sharing a twin bed.

I meant to tell Alice about Debora joining all of us for the last two days of our trip, but every time I had the opportunity, the moment was too good to ruin. Especially yesterday morning when it was the five of us in the kitchen. It was all too easy to forget Debora. I’d held back that night when Alice first kissed me. But, later, as she and I lay in bed, I left the memory of any girl that wasn’t her on the beach.

A few weeks ago, when I’d asked my mom if Debora could come, she raised an eyebrow and nodded. Bernie and Martin knew too. Everyone but Alice knew. And all of that was my fault, but this went so much deeper than me dating someone else.

“Hey, Harvey.” Debora stood in the doorway of the sliding glass door, which was actually useless now, thanks to Alice and her iron-skillet pitching skills. I had to admit, that had impressed me.

“Hey, Debora.” I pulled my legs in and patted the length of lawn chair in front of me. She dropped her duffle bag and sat down in front of me. “So I guess you’re checking out of this mess early, huh?”

“I should go home.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Thanks for driving out for the night. I’m sorry it was like this.”

She nodded, her hair grazing her chin. “Harvey, I want to be with you. But I can’t.” Her finger traced a pattern between us. “You two are too . . . intense. I don’t think I can be in the middle of that, not while trying to stay sane.”

I knew this was coming. I lay awake all night thinking about it—and well, Alice too. Debora didn’t need to get caught up between me and Alice. Even Dennis had said so.

“Dennis is freaked out about us anyway.” I squinted my eyes at the beach behind her. “You can tell him if you want. Or I can,” I said, staring into the sun, letting my eyes ache.

“I’ll do it.”

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. “Need help taking your bags out to the car?”

“No. I’ve just got the one.”

Debora was as put together as ever in a khaki skirt and polo, but she looked tired, less perky than normal. Sometimes you don’t know how wrong your life is until you imagine it from an outsider’s point of view. Debora must have thought we were crazy. And we were, too.

“Debora?”

“Yeah?”

“It wasn’t bad. Being your boyfriend.”

“I was thinking that maybe if someday you decide—”

I kissed her. Her lips felt full and soft. My hand drifted to her face and I held her cheek lightly, my hand almost hovering. I parted her lips, just barely. She leaned into me once and then pulled back. It felt . . . good.

“Well, I’ll see you at school.” She stood and smoothed invisible wrinkles out of her khaki skirt, avoiding eye contact with me. I could be happy with Debora. We would be good for each other.

“I’m sorry for all of this.” I thought about telling her that I’d kissed Alice, but it didn’t seem like it would make a difference. It was probably wrong of me not to say anything, but I didn’t want to hurt Debora any more than I already had.

“No,” she said. “I think I wanted to fool myself into believing that you were ready for something that you’re not.”

“Yeah.” I was an ass. I knew from the moment I asked Debora out that I wasn’t over Alice. I was too selfish to even bother wondering how this might end.

“This isn’t my story; this is all Alice. But you know where to find me. Be smart, Harvey.”

Alice towered over me, eclipsing the sun, with her hands shoved deep into her pockets. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

She sat down on the edge of the lawn chair, exactly where Debora had been. After she left, I had drifted off to sleep beneath the early morning sun. “What time is it?” I yawned.

“Eight thirty.”

“Our parents still asleep?”

She nodded.

“What is it?” I asked.

“We need to talk, Harvey.” Her voice was soft and so unlike her.

She pulled her knees to her chest, concentrating on a point past my shoulder. I turned, my eyes following her gaze to the shattered sliding glass door. “Harvey, there’s something wrong with me.”