Side Effects May Vary

harvey, when i found out i was sick, i decided i wanted to give you something. a thing that would outlive me and all your memories of us. but i didn’t get it done in time. i wasted my time with things and people that didn’t matter. i’m sorry. i don’t think i’ll ever stop being sorry. since i got a second chance at this whole life thing, i wanted to do something that should have been at the top of my list and finally give you the puzzle piece you deserve. listen to a few songs. on the phone, Beth said Porter was really good, but i don’t know, she sounded kind of crazy too. whatever. order another drink.

If this were some kind of fantasy, this would be the moment when Alice sauntered in and explained herself, but not before kissing me. That didn’t happen though. I took her advice, ordered another Sprite, and listened to a few more songs.

I was about to open the next note when Porter stood up from the piano for a break. Stretching his back and popping his knuckles, he walked over to the bar. “Beth,” he said, “you’re slacking on me. I can’t play for free without some gin to wash it down.”

“Oh, hush,” she said. “You make your tips.”

He chuckled. “If I was doing this for tips, Oscar’s wouldn’t be my venue of choice.”

They both laughed, like the whole thing was some kind of inside joke.

I took a big gulp of soda and looked around, trying to make it look like I hadn’t been staring.

“I’ll have what he’s having,” said Porter and pointed at me.

“Oh, I don’t think you want any of that,” she said.

Coughing, I said, “It’s soda.”

“What?” asked Porter, motioning to the hearing aid in his ear.

“Soda,” I said. “Just soda. No kick.”

“Ah,” he said and took the seat next to me. “Then the boy will have whatever I’m having and I’m having a Jack and Coke.”

Beth raised her eyebrows. “No can do. I already refused him once.”

Porter leaned forward on the bar and smiled.

“Oh, fine, but if anything happens to him, that’s on you.”

Porter nodded once.

Beth made two Jack and Cokes and set a coaster down in front of me.

I reached for the glass.

“Just the one,” she said.

Porter laughed a great big belly laugh and turned back for the piano.

He played another song and I drank my drink too fast, my vision going a little soft on the edges.

After a few more songs I turned back to the bar and opened the next note.

i wanted to find your dad. isn’t that so stupid of me that i thought i could even do that? well, Porter’s not your dad. he’s too old. and that would be kind of gross. open the next note when you’re ready.

Blood rushed to my head like I’d been hanging upside down. My dad? Alice wanted to find my dad? I couldn’t figure out how she would know to do that for me. She was right, though. Porter was way too old to be my dad. Maybe he’d just known him or something. I squeezed my eyes shut and ran my hands down my face.

I asked Beth for a glass of water. I downed the whole thing, cooling my liquor-warmed chest, and drank two more glasses. Porter finished another song. What did he have to do with this?

i started digging. i looked everywhere. finally, i found all of your emergency contact information from when we were kids in my mom’s closet in an old accordion folder. i knew she would have something in case anything happened to your mom. take a bathroom break or get another drink or something, because the next note—the last note—is the big one.

For once, I ignored Alice and went for the last note. Whatever she’d found out was folded up inside that little piece of paper.

I set the note back on the counter.

I didn’t want to know.

I picked the note back up.

I had to know.

The clock on my phone said 6:15. With the note in my hand, I took one last deep breath.