Sister

Did I hesitate? “Of course not,” I replied. But I did mind. Even when I woke up, I would have pink lip and cheek stain applied from the previous night. At the small institutional sink, with dirty coffee cups balanced on the rim, I washed off my makeup. I turned and caught sight of you. I was stabbed by love. Moments later I saw that it was just my own reflection caught in a full-length mirror. I went closer and saw myself, scruffy and exhausted. I needed makeup, properly cut clothes and a decent haircut. You don’t need any of those to look beautiful.

“I’m afraid we’ll have to improvise the bump,” said PC Vernon. As she handed me a cushion I voiced a question that had been itching at the back of my mind, “Do you know why Tess’s landlord didn’t tell you she was pregnant when he reported her missing?”

“No, I’m afraid I don’t. You could ask Detective Sergeant Finborough.”

I stuffed a second cushion under the dress and tried to plump them into a convincing-looking bump. For a moment the whole thing turned into an absurd farce and I laughed. PC Vernon laughed too, spontaneously, and I saw that a smile was her natural expression. It must be a facial effort for her to be genuinely serious and sympathetic so much of the time.

Mum came in. “I’ve got you some food, darling,” she said. “You need to eat properly.” I turned to see her holding a bag full of food, and her mothering touched me. But as she looked at me, her face turned rigid. Poor Mum. The farce I found blackly comic had turned cruel.

“But you have to tell her. It’ll just get worse the longer you leave it.”

“I saw a tea towel the other day with that printed on it. Underneath was ‘Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.’ ”

“Tess …” (Or did I just give an eloquent older-sister sigh?)

You laughed, warmly teasing me. “Do you still have knickers with days of the week embroidered on them?”

“You’re changing the subject. And I was given those when I was nine.”

“Did you really wear them on the right day?”

“She’s going to be so hurt if you don’t tell her.”

I looked back at Mum, acknowledging and answering her question without a word being spoken. Yes, you were pregnant; yes, you hadn’t told her; and yes, now the whole world, at least the TV-watching world, would know about it.

“Who’s the father?”

I didn’t reply—one shock at a time.

“That’s why she hasn’t been to see me for months, isn’t it? Too ashamed.”

It was a statement rather than a question. I tried to appease her, but she brushed my words aside, using her hands in a rare physical gesture. “I see he’s going to marry her at least.”

She was looking at my engagement ring, which I hadn’t thought to take off. “It’s mine, Mum.” I was absurdly hurt that she hadn’t noticed it before. I took the large diamond solitaire off my finger and gave it to her. She zipped it into her handbag without even looking at it.

“Does he have any intention of marrying her, Beatrice?”

Maybe I should have been kind and told her that Emilio Codi was already married. It would have fueled her anger with you and kept icy terror away a while longer.

“Let’s find her first, Mum, before worrying about her future.”

2

The police film unit was set up near South Kensington tube station. I—the star of this little film—was given my instructions by a young policeman in a cap rather than a helmet. The trendy director-policeman said “Okay, go.” And I began to walk away from the post office and along Exhibition Road.

You’ve never needed the confidence boost of high heels so I had reluctantly traded mine for your flat ballet pumps. They were too large for me and I’d stuffed the toes with tissues. Remember doing that with Mum’s shoes? Her high heels used to clatter excitingly, the sound of being grown-up. Your soft ballet shoes moved silently, discreetly, their soft indoor leather sinking into ice-cracked puddles and soaking up the sharply cold water. Outside the Natural History Museum there was a long fractious queue of impatient children and harassed parents. The children watched the police and the camera crew, the parents watched me. I was free entertainment until they could get in to see the animatronic Tyrannosaurus rex and the great white whale. But I didn’t care. I was just hoping that one of them had been there the previous Thursday and had noticed you leaving the post office. And then what? What would they have noticed then? I wondered how anything sinister could have happened with so many witnesses.