Soul Music

Old certainties drained away, to be replaced by new certainties.

Now she understood whose granddaughter she was.

The Mended Drum had traditionally gone in for, well, traditional pub games, such as dominoes, darts and Stabbing People In The Back And Taking All Their Money. The new owner had decided to go up‑market. This was the only available direction.

There had been the Quizzing Device, a three‑ton water‑driven monstrosity based on a recently discovered design by Leonard of Quirm. It had been a bad idea. Captain Carrot of the Watch, who had a mind like a needle under his open smiling face, had surreptitiously substituted a new roll of questions like: Were you nere Vortin's Diamond Warehouse on the Nite of the 15th? and: Who was the Third Man Who did the Blagging At Bearhugger's Distillery Larst wee‑k? and had arrested three customers before they caught on.

The owner had promised another machine any day now. The Librarian, one of the tavern's regulars, had been collecting pennies in readiness.

There was a small stage at one end of the bar. The owner had tried a lunch‑time stripper, but only once. At the sight of a large orang-utan in the front row with a big innocent grin, a big bag of penny pieces and a big banana the poor girl had fled. Yet another entertainment Guild had blacklisted the Drum.

The new owner's name was Hibiscus Dunelm. It wasn't his fault. He really wanted to make the Drum, he said, a fun place. For two pins he'd have put stripy umbrellas outside.

He looked down at Glod.

" Just three of you?" he said.

" Yes."

" When I agreed to five dollars, you said you had a big band."

" Say hello, Lias."

" My word, that is a big band." Dunelm backed away. "I thought," he said, "just a few numbers that everyone knows? Just to provide some ambience."

" Ambience," said Imp, looking around the Drum. He was familiar with the word. But, in a place like this, it was all lost and alone. There were only three or four customers in at this early hour of the evening. They weren't paying any attention to the stage.

The wall behind the stage had clearly seen action. He stared at it as Lias patiently stacked up his stones.

" Oh, just a bit of fruit and old eggs," said Glod. "People probably get a bit boisterous. I shouldn't worry about that."

" I'm not worried about it," said Imp.

" I should think not."

" It's the axe marks and arrow holles I'm worried about. Gllod, we haven't even practised! Not properlly!"

" You can play your guitar, can't you?"

" Wellll, yes, I suppose..."

He'd tried it out. It was easy to play. In fact, it was almost impossible to play badly. It didn't seem to matter how he touched the strings ‑ they still rang out the tune he had in mind. It was, in solid form, the kind of instrument you dream about when you first start to play ‑ the one you can play without learning. He remembered when he'd first picked up a harp and struck the strings, confidently expecting the kind of lambent tones the old men coaxed from them. He'd got a discord instead. But this was the instrument he'd dreamed of...

" We'll stick to numbers everyone knows," said the dwarf. "'The Wizard's Staff" and "Gathering Rhubarb". Stuff like that. People like songs they can snigger along to."

Imp looked down at the bar. It was filling up a bit now. But his attention was drawn to a large orang‑utan, which had pulled up its chair right in front of the stage and was holding a bag of fruit.

" Gllod, there's an ape watching us."

" Well?" said Glod, unfolding a string bag.

" It's an ape."

" This is Ankh‑Morpork. That's how things are here." Glod removed his helmet and unfolded something from inside.

" Why've you got a string bag?" said Imp.

" Fruit's fruit. Waste not, want not. If they throw eggs, try to catch them."

Imp slung the guitar's strap over his shoulder. He'd tried to tell the dwarf, but what could he say: this is too easy to play?

He hoped there was a god of musicians.

And there is. There are many, one for almost every type of music. Almost every type. But the only one due to watch over Imp that night was Reg, god of club musicians, who couldn't pay much attention because he'd also got three other gigs to do.

" We ready?" said Lias, picking his hammers.

The others nodded.

" Let's give 'em "The Wizard's Staff", then," said Glod. "That always breaks the ice."

" OK," said the troll. He counted on his fingers. "One, two... one, two, many, lots."

The first apple was thrown seven seconds later. It was caught by Glod, who didn't miss a note. But the first banana curved viciously and grounded in his ear.

" Keep playing!" he hissed.

Imp obeyed, ducking a fusillade of oranges.

In the front row, the ape opened his bag and produced a very large melon.

" Can you see any pears?" said Glod, taking a breath. "I like pears."