Soul Music

" Good evening," said Ridcully. He looked her up and down, and then said, "I'm Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of Unseen University. I can't help won­dering who you are."

" Er..." The girl looked panicky for a moment. "Well, technically... I suppose I'm Death."

" Technically?"

" Yes. But not on duty at the moment."

" Very glad to hear that."

There was a shriek from the stage as Asphalt threw the Lecturer in Recent Runes into the audience, which applauded.

" Can't say I've seen that much of Death," said Ridcully. "But in so far as I have, he's tended to be... well, he, to start with. And a good deal thinner... ?"

" He's my grandfather."

" Ah. Ah. Really? I didn't even know he was–"Ridcully stopped. "Well, well, well, fancy that. Your grandfather? And you're in the family firm?"

" Shut up, you stupid man," said Susan. "Don't you dare patronize me. You see him?" She pointed to the stage, where Buddy was in mid‑riff. "He's going to die soon because... because of silliness. And if you can't do anything about it, go away!"

Ridcully glanced at the stage. When he looked back, Susan had vanished. He made a mighty effort and thought he caught a glimpse of her a little way off, but she knew he was looking for her and he had no chance of finding her now.

Asphalt got back into the dressing room first. There is something very sad about an empty dressing room. It's like a discarded pair of underpants, which it resembles in a number of respects. It's seen a lot of activity. It may even have witnessed excitement and a whole gamut of human passions. And now there's nothing much left but a faint smell.

The little troll dumped the bag of rocks on the floor and bit the top off a couple of beer bottles.

Cliff entered. He got halfway across the floor and then fell over, hitting the boards with every part of his body at once. Glod stepped over him and flopped on to a barrel.

He looked at the beer bottles. He took off his helmet. He poured the beer into the helmet. Then he let his head flop forward.

Buddy entered and sat down in the corner, leaning against the wall.

And Dibbler followed. "Well, what can I say? What can I say?" he said.

" Don't ask us," said Cliff from his prone position. "How should we know?"

" That was magnificent," said Dibbler. "What's up with the dwarf? Is he drowning?"

Glod reached out an arm, without looking, smashed the top off another bottle of beer and poured it over his head.

" Mr Dibbler?" said Cliff.

" Yes?"

" I think we want to talk. Just us, like. The band. If you don't mind."

Dibbler looked from one to the other. Buddy was staring at the wall. Glod was making bubbling noises. Cliff was still on the floor.

" OK," he said, and then added brightly, "Buddy? The free performance... great idea. I'll start organizing it right away and you can do it just as soon as you get back from your tour. Right. Well, I'll just–"

He turned to leave and walked into Cliff's arm, which was suddenly blocking the doorway.

" Tour? What tour?"

Dibbler backed off a little. "Oh, a few places. Quirm, Pseudopolis, Sto Lat ' He looked around at them. "Didn't you want that?"

" We'll talk about dat later," said Cliff.

He pushed Dibbler out of the door and slammed it shut.

Beer dripped off Glod's beard.

" Tour? Three more nights of this?"

" What's the problem?" said Asphalt. "It was great! Everyone was cheering. You did two hours! I had to keep kickin' 'em off the stage! I never felt so–"

He stopped.

" That's it, really," said Cliff. "The fing is, I go on dat stage, I sits down not knowing even what we're goin' to do, next minute Buddy plays something on his... on that thing, next I'm goin' bam‑Bam‑chcha‑chcha‑BAM‑bam. Idon't know what I'm playing. It just comes in my head and down my arms."

" Yes," said Glod. "Me, too. Seems to me I'm getting stuff out of that horn I never put in there."

" And it ain't like proper playing," said Cliff. "That's what I'm saying. It's more like being played."

" You've been in show business a long time, right?" said Glod to Asphalt.

" Yep. Been there, done it. Seem 'em all."

" You ever seen an audience like that?"

" I've seen 'em throw flowers and cheer at the Opera House–'

" Ha! Just flowers? Some woman threw her... clothing at the stage!"

" Dat's right! Landed on my head!"

" And when Miss VaVa Voom did the Feather Dance down at the Skunk Club in Brewer Street, the whole audience rushed the stage when she was down to the last feather–"

" That was like this, was it?"

" No," the troll admitted. "I got to say it, I ain't never seen an audience so ... hungry. Not even for Miss VaVa Voom, and they were pretty damn peckish then, I can tell you. Of course, no‑one threw underwear on to the stage. She used to throw it off the stage."

" Dere's something else," said Cliff. "Dere's four people in this room and only three of 'em's talking."

Buddy looked up.