The adulteress

I was to leave early on the following day. The grooms had said that we should start just after dawn, which would enable us to get a fair distance on the first day when we would stop at the inn we had used on the journey to Eversleigh.

I said I would retire early. I had said good-bye to Uncle Carl for I did not want to disturb him in the morning; Jessie had said she would be up to see me off with Evalina.

My bags were packed. I was ready.

I had said good-bye to Gerard that afternoon. He had not tried to persuade me and seemed to have realized at last the futility of it.

I was about to get into bed when I heard a scratching at my window.

I went there and to my amazement and overwhelming joy there was Gerard. He had climbed up with the help of the creeper and was urging me to let him in.

I opened the window and in a few seconds I was in his arms.

"You didn't think I was not going to be with you, did you?" he demanded.

That night was one of bitter sweetness for me. The unexpected joy of being with him, the heartbreaking knowledge that it would be the last time, made it different from any of those times we had spent together.

There was a frenzy in our passion; it was the ultimate joy mingled with the abject sorrow. I felt that in every gesture he was begging me to abandon everything and go with him.

We lay side by side listening to the gentle breeze rustling the leaves of the trees; the light of a half moon shone into the room. I wanted to preserve every moment as I used to press rose petals in my Bible at home and look at them afterward and recall the day I had picked them.

"You can't let me go alone," he said.

But I only shook my head in sorrow.

At dawn I must rise. I must prepare myself to start on my journey ... away from ecstasy to the long dreary years ahead, remembering, almost regretting, living with my terrible guilt. I wondered how well I would do that; whether I should be able to keep my guilty secret from them. Would Jean-Louis guess something tremendous had happened to me? I would be different, I was sure. My mother and Sabrina ... No. When I came to think of it they had put me aside as some cherished object that was in safekeeping. Their anxieties and plans were all for Dickon.

"Don't go away from me," whispered Gerard. He knew me so well that he read my thoughts and he knew they had strayed from him to the people I should have to face at Clavering.

Then he kissed me and held me and we were as one.

We lay together, hands clasped, talking in whispers.

He said: "When you go back ... if you go back ... you will realize how desolate you are without me... . You will see that we must be together... ."

"I shall be desolate. I shall so desperately want to be with you ... but I know I must be with my husband."

"You cannot look into the future. You don't know what will happen. I am going to give you the address of my chateau in France. I have written it for you. You will always be able to find me there."

I felt a certain lifting of my gloom. When I rode out tomorrow I should not have entirely lost him.

"Always there will be the hope," he said. "Every day I shall to myself say perhaps today there will be news of her... ."

I answered: "I must stay with my husband while he needs me ... but if it should come to pass ..."

And as we talked I thought I heard a movement. The creak of a board, the sudden rather uncanny awareness that someone is close by. I sat up in bed, listening.

"What is it?" said Gerard.

I put my fingers to my lips and went to the door. Fortunately I had locked it. I knew that someone was on the other side of that door ... listening. I thought I heard a quick intake of breath.

Then I knew it. I heard the creaking of a board once more. Someone was stealthily making her ... or his ... way along the corridor.

Gerard was looking at me questioningly.

As I went back to bed I said: "Someone was out there. Whoever it was would have heard our talking."

"We spoke in whispers."

"Nevertheless, someone in this house knows that there is someone in my room."

"The amorous housekeeper? She can't talk."

"I don't know."

But the experience had made me uneasy.

Dawn came all too quickly. I had to be up and away. Gerard held me fast, made one last entreaty. I felt better now that I had his address.

Most reluctantly he left me, coming back to me several times and holding me fast again and again as though he refused to let me go.

And at length, because the minutes were racing by, he went out by the window. I watched him lower himself to the ground with the help of the jutting window decorations and the creeper.

He stood there looking at me and I could not take my eyes from him. I wanted that last sight of him to be etched forever in my mind.

Dawn was in the sky and I was ready. The grooms were waiting. I had said good-bye to my uncle the previous night so, I had remarked, I could slip away without disturbing him.

But Jessie and Evalina were there to see me go.