The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

“It's a very famous story!”

“Sorry. I haven't been able to read for very long.”

“Really? Well, Dick Livingstone was a penniless boy who became Lord Mayor of Übergurgl because his cat was so good at catching… er… pigeons. The town was overrun with… pigeons, yes, and in fact later on he even married a sultan's daughter because his cat cleared all the… pigeons out of her father's royal palace—”

“It was rats really, wasn't it?” said Keith, glumly.

“I'm sorry, yes.”

“And it was just a story,” said Keith. “Look, are there really stories about rat kings? Rats have kings? I've never heard of it. How does it work?”

“Not the way you think. They've been known about for years. They really do exist, you know. Just like on the sign outside.”

“What, the rats with their tails all knotted together? How do—?”

There was a loud and persistent knocking on the door. Some of it sounded as though it was being done with someone's boot.

Malicia went over to it and pulled back the bolts. “Yes?” she said, coldly, as the night air poured in.

There was a group of angry men outside. The leader, who looked as though he was only the leader because he happened to be the one in front, took a step back when he saw Malicia.

“Oh… it's you, miss…”

“Yes. My father's the mayor, you know,” said Malicia.

“Er… yes. We all know.”

“Why're you all holding sticks?” said Malicia.

“Er… we want to talk to the rat-catchers,” said the spokesman. He tried to look past her, and she stood aside.

“There's no-one in here but us,” she said. “Unless you think there's a trapdoor to a maze of underground cellars where desperate animals are caged up and vast supplies of stolen food are hoarded?”

The man gave her another nervous look. “You and your stories, miss,” he said.

“Has there been some trouble?” said Malicia.

“We think they were a… a bit naughty…” said the man. He blanched under the look she gave him.

“Yes?” she said.

“They cheated us in the rat pit!” said a man behind him, made bold because there was someone else between him and Malicia. “They must've trained those rats! One of them flew around on a string!”

“And one of them bit my Jacko on the… on the… on the unmentionables!” said someone further back. “You can't tell me it wasn't trained to do that!”

“I saw one with a hat on this morning,” said Malicia.

“There's been a good deal too many strange rats today,” said another man. “My mum said she saw one dancing on the kitchen shelves! And when my granddad got up and reached for his false teeth he said a rat bit him with them. Bit him with his own teeth!”

“What, wearing them?” said Malicia.

“No, it just snapped them around in the air! And a lady down our street opened her pantry door and there were rats swimming in the cream bowl. Not just swimming, either! They'd been trained. They were making kind of patterns, and diving and waving their legs in the air and stuff!”

“You mean synchronized swimming?” said Malicia. “Who's telling stories now, eh?”

“Are you sure you don't know where those men are?” said the leader suspiciously. “People said they headed this way.”

Malicia rolled her eyes. “All right, yes,” she said. “They got here and a talking cat helped us to feed them poison and now they're locked in a cellar.”

The men looked at her. “Yeah, right,” said the leader, turning away. “Well, if you do see them, tell them we're looking for them, OK?”

Malicia shut the door. “It's terrible, not being believed,” she said.

“Now tell me about rat kings,” said Keith.

CHAPTER 10

And as night fell, Mr. Bunnsy remembered: there's something terrible in the Dark Wood.

—From “Mr. Bunnsy Has an Adventure”

Why am I doing this? Maurice asked himself, as he squirmed along a pipe. Cats are not built for this stuff!

Because we are a kind person at heart, said his conscience.

No, I'm not, thought Maurice.

Actually, that's true, said his conscience. But we don't want to tell that to Dangerous Beans, do we? The little wobbly nose? He thinks we're a hero!

Well, I'm not, thought Maurice.

Then why are we scrabbling around underground trying to find him?

Well, obviously it's because he's the one with the big dream about finding the rat island and without him the rats won't co-operate and I won't get paid, said Maurice.

We're a cat! What does a cat need money for?

Because I have a Retirement Plan, thought Maurice. I'm four years old already! Once I've made a pile, it's me for a nice home with a big fire and a nice old lady giving me cream every day. I've got it all worked out, every detail.

Why should she give us a home? We're smelly, we've got ragged ears, we've got something nasty and itchy on our leg, we look like someone kicked us in the face… why should an old lady take us in instead of a fluffy little kitten?

Aha! But black cats are lucky, thought Maurice.