The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

“He's doing it?” said Darktan.

“Yessir! Right now!”

Darktan looked up at the cages. The keekees were more subdued, now that the rat king was dead and they'd been fed. But by the smell of it they were desperate to leave this place. And rats in a panic will follow other rats…

“OK,” he said. “Runners, get ready! Open the cages! Make sure they're following you! Go! Go! Go!”

And that was almost the end of the story.

How the crowd yelled when rats erupted from every hole and drain. How they cheered when both pipers danced out of the town, with the rats racing along behind them. How they whistled when the rats plunged off the bridge into the river.

They didn't notice that some rats stayed on the bridge, urging the others with shouts of “Remember, strong regular strokes!” and “There's a nice beach just downstream!” and “Hit the water feet first, it won't hurt so much!”

Even if they had noticed, they probably wouldn't have said anything. Details like that don't fit in.

And the piper danced off over the hills and never, ever came back.

There was general applause. It had been a good show, everyone agreed, even if it had been expensive. It was definitely something to tell their children.

The stupid-looking kid, the one who had duelled with the piper, strolled back into the square. He got a round of applause too. It was turning out to be a good day all round. People wondered if they'd have to have extra children to make room for all the stories.

But they realized they'd have enough to save for the grandchildren when the other rats arrived.

They were suddenly there, pouring up out of drains and gutters and cracks. They didn't squeak, and they weren't running. They sat there, watching everyone.

“Here, piper!” shouted the mayor. “You missed some!”

“No. We're not the rats who follow pipers,” said a voice. “We're the rats you have to deal with.”

The mayor looked down. A rat was standing by his boots, looking up at him. It appeared to be holding a sword.

“Father,” said Malicia behind him, “it would be a good idea to listen to this rat.”

“But it's a rat!”

“He knows, Father. And he knows how to get your money back and a lot of the food and where to find some of the people who've been stealing food from us all.”

“But he's a rat!”

“Yes, Father. But if you talk to him properly, he can help us.”

The mayor stared at the assembled ranks of the Clan. “We should talk to rats?” he said.

“It would be a very good idea, Father.”

“But they're rats!” The mayor seemed to be trying to hold on to this thought as if it was a lifebelt on a stormy sea, and he'd drown if he let go of it.

“'Scuse me, 'scuse me,” said a voice from beside him. He looked down at a dirty, half-scorched cat, which grinned at him.

“Did that cat just speak?” said the mayor.

Maurice looked around. “Which one?” he said.

“You! Did you just talk?”

“Would you feel better if I said no?” said Maurice.

“But cats can't talk!”

“Well, I can't promise that I could give a, you know, full-length after-dinner speech, and don't ask me to do a comic monologue,” said Maurice, “and I can't pronounce difficult words like ‘marmalade’ and ‘lumbago’. But I'm pretty happy with basic repartee and simple wholesome conversation. Speaking as a cat, I'd like to know what the rat has got to say.”

“Mr Mayor?” said Keith, strolling up and twirling the new rat pipe in his fingers. “Don't you think it's time I sorted out your rat problem once and for all?”

“Sort it out? But—”

“All you have to do is talk to them. Get your town council together and talk to them. It's up to you, Mr Mayor. You can yell and shout and call out the dogs and people can run around and flail at the rats with brooms and, yes, they'll run away. But they won't run far. And they'll come back.” When he was standing next to the bewildered man he leaned towards him and whispered, “And they live under your floorboards, sir. They know how to use fire. They know all about poison. Oh, yes. So… listen to this rat.”

“Is it threatening us?” said the Mayor, looking down at Darktan.

“No, Mr Mayor,” said Darktan, “I'm offering you…” He glanced at Maurice, who nodded. “… a wonderful opportunity.”

“You really can talk? You can think?” said the mayor.

Darktan looked up at him. It had been a long night. He didn't want to remember any of it. And now it was going to be a longer, harder day. He took a deep breath. “Here's what I suggest,” he said. “You pretend that rats can think, and I'll promise to pretend that humans can think, too.”

CHAPTER 12

‘Well done, Ratty Rupert!’ cried the animals of Furry Bottom.

—From “Mr. Bunnsy Has an Adventure”

The crowd clustered into the Rathaus's council hall. Most of it had to stay outside, craning over other people's heads to see what was going on.

The town council was crammed around one end of their long table. A dozen or so of the senior rats were crouched at the other end.