The Black Swan

I went up to the room I shared with Roland. I don’t want this house, I thought. I shall have to explain to Roland. It isn’t fair to him not to. He’s so kind and thoughtful, and he will notice the difference in me. I must tell him.

I took off my boots and put on a pair of shoes. There was water in the ewer so I washed my hands.

When I went down Phillida and Roland were in the dining room. They were talking very quietly, but with some heat, which was unusual with them. I caught a few snatches of what Phillida was saying. “It’ll have to be soon. It should have been over by now. It’s your fault. You were the one who wanted to wait.” As I entered she stopped abruptly and I fancied she looked a little startled. Then she said lightly, “I was scolding Roland.

I was telling him that if he had gone to see about the horses earlier we should have had them by now.” She laughed. “I was really cross with him which was very wrong of me. Well, you can’t keep an omelette waiting.”

Kitty brought in the food and we all agreed that it was delicious. “The eggs are so fresh,” said Phillida. “Possibly laid this morning. Good for you, Lucie, making such good use of exploring our local color.” A few days passed. Several times I had been on the point of telling Roland that I was in love with Joel and for that reason the relationship could not be the same as it had previously been between us. I reminded myself that I had thought I had loved him, that I had been very eager that we should have a normal and happy marriage. But now that I had seen Joel, talked with him, I realized what I had lost and I could never really be reconciled.

Roland knew I was disturbed and thought it was due to the vision I had seen ... or as he would say, “thought I saw.” He knew I was in a disturbed state. I was indeed-both because of what I had seen and my loss of Joel.

He was not a passionate man. There had been no intensity in his lovemaking. Ignorant as I was of such matters, that thought had only just occurred to me. He was a kind, gentle, sensitive person. His great purpose really did seem to be to comfort me. Sometimes I felt he understood more than anyone else what I had suffered through the loss of my father. I could not have had a more gentle, more kind husband. When we retired and I was alone with him he somehow made me understand that he would make no demands on me. I was upset, he implied. I was going through a bad time. I would get better soon, but in the meantime I needed to be quiet. I needed sleep.

I was grateful to him and at the same time I was grappling with myself as to whether or not I should tell him. The thought came to me that I could become free of him, dissolve my marriage as Belinda had done; and then marry Joel.

If Belinda had achieved it without too much trouble, why should not I? I knew what Belinda’s reaction would be. She would say I was a fool not to try. But it was different in her case. She and Henry Farrell had parted; they had quarreled violently; whereas from Roland I had had nothing but love and understanding and I knew that he cared for me deeply.

How could I hurt him? And yet... what of Joel?

If I went to Joel I should never be able to forget Roland; and if I stayed with Roland I could not get Joel out of my thoughts; it seemed that I should be beset either by deep disturbing regrets or a perpetual longing for what I had missed. Each day I woke to this uncertainty. Should I? Could I? How could I go on like this?

So ... how grateful I was to Roland for leaving me in peace. We had our horses now. It was a relief to be able to ride. The three of us went out together to explore; but mostly Roland and I were on our own. How many times, during those rides, was I on the verge of telling him everything; but I never managed it. I could not help being pleased that he had to spend a certain amount of time in Bradford on business. That left Phillida and me on our own.

Phillida was very kind and gentle. She was interested in maintaining good health and thought herself something of an authority on the subject. I remarked that she must miss her health shop in London.

“Oh, who knows?” she said blithely. “I may find one in Bradford. They are springing up all over the country. They are such a boon. I’ll guarantee I’ll cure you, Lucie. It’s taken a little time.”

“Cure me?”

“Well ... all this nervousness.”

I was silent and she put her hand over mine. “You must take more exercise. I’m so glad Roland had the horses sent. You looked in such good health when you came in from your gallop.

I thought, this is the way. A healthy body means a healthy mind. I believe some sage said that once, and how right he is! All the same, you need these little pick-me-ups from time to time.”

“You and Roland have been so good to me.”

“Of course we have. We have good reason to be.” . “Just that meeting on the ferry... and all this.... Life is strange, isn’t it?”

“Very strange... and wonderful. I believe it is what we make it.”

“Oh, you believe in giving fate a little jog, do you?”