The Complete Yes Minister

‘I’m going to consider taking action without delay.’ I thought I’d better be clear about this.

‘Are you related to Sir Humphrey Appleby?’ enquired Annie.

I rose above it, ignored her, and offered Major Saunders another drink. He declined, stood up preparatory to leaving, and asked for my assurance that he could rely on me to tackle this shocking matter. Naturally I gave him that assurance.

After he left Annie and I discussed him and his extraordinary information. I asked Annie what she made of it.

She didn’t reply directly. She just told me that I really was going to do something about it wasn’t I?

And I certainly am. If it’s true. But I find it hard to believe. Could it happen? It couldn’t happen! Could it? I mean, it’s not just that it shouldn’t but it couldn’t. And even if it could, it wouldn’t. Would it?

I’ve just played that last paragraph back. Perhaps I am related to Sir Humphrey Appleby.

September 5th

Today I had a serious conversation with Humphrey. Perhaps the most serious conversation that I have ever had or will ever have.

I’m still not quite sure what to make of it.

He came in for his regular Monday morning meeting with me. I hurried through all the usual items on the agenda, and then set the tone for the discussion that I intended to have.

‘Humphrey,’ I began, ‘there is something that I must talk to you about. Something that concerns me deeply. Really profoundly important.’

He enquired whether I was referring to the amendment to the Administrative order on stock control in government establishments, or the procedures for the renewal of local authority leaseholds in Special Development Areas.

This is the level at which he operates. But I was patient. ‘No Humphrey,’ I explained, ‘I’m concerned about a great issue of life and death.’

‘Shouldn’t that wait till after work?’ he asked. You can see what I’m dealing with.

‘It is work.’

‘Really?’ He was surprised. ‘Then please go on.’

I asked him how British arms manufacturers sell arms to foreigners. He explained the whole system to me. The manufacturer has to get an export licence from the Department of Trade. Both private companies and government agencies sell arms abroad. They usually sell to foreign governments, but sometimes they sell to arms dealers. Third parties. In other words, perhaps a little man in Manchester buys on behalf of a party in the Channel Islands who has a contract in Luxembourg, and so on.

So I wanted to know if there was any way of controlling who the arms are really going to. Humphrey assured me that there is control. The dealer has to provide a document known as an end-user certificate. This certificate must have a signature on it from the ultimate customer who is an approved user acceptable to HMG.[54]

I found myself wondering if this end-user certificate is a real guarantee. I wonder if Humphrey would be surprised if, for instance, an aircraft carrier turned up in the Central African Republic.

[Sir Humphrey would undoubtedly have been surprised, as would everybody else, as the Central African Republic is one thousand miles inland — Ed.]

Sir Humphrey stated that it was ‘officially impossible’ for weapons to turn up in non-approved hands. ‘There is stringent security, there are rigorous inspection procedures, and meticulous scrutiny.’

Officially impossible. I know what that phrase means. It means that it’s all a façade.

I challenged him with this. He smiled benignly and inclined his head a little. ‘I think perhaps this conversation should stop here, Minister, don’t you?’

I refused to play the game this time. ‘No,’ I said. ‘But it is as I thought. Last night a confidential source disclosed to me that British arms are being sold to Italian Red Terrorist Groups.’

He nodded gravely. ‘I see. May I ask who the confidential source was?’

I was staggered. ‘Humphrey! I just said that it’s confidential.’

He was unashamed. ‘Oh I’m sorry, Minister, I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me.’

He waited. I waited too. As I sat there, quietly watching him, I observed that he did not seem to be awfully worried about the information that I had just given him. So I questioned him on this. And indeed, he seemed to find it quite unremarkable.

‘These things happen all the time, Minister. It’s not our problem.’

‘Robbery with violence happens all the time. Doesn’t that worry you?’

‘No Minister. Home Office problem.’

I was almost speechless. He seemed to see himself only as an official, not as a citizen. Of course, that is the hat that he wears when at the office advising me, but there are moral issues involved.

‘We are letting terrorists get hold of murderous weapons,’ I expostulated.

‘We’re not.’

I was confused. ‘Well, who is?’

‘Who knows?’ He was at his most bland. ‘The Department of Trade? The Ministry of Defence? The Foreign Office?’