The Complete Yes Minister

Bernard explained that at this hospital there are only 342 administrative staff. The other 170 are porters, cleaners, laundry workers, gardeners, cooks and so forth.

This seemed a perfectly reasonable figure. So I asked how many medical staff.

‘Oh, none of them,’ replied Bernard casually, as if that were perfectly obvious in any case.

I wasn’t sure I’d heard right. ‘None?’ I asked, cautiously.

‘None.’

I decided to clarify a thing or two. ‘We are talking about St Edward’s Hospital, aren’t we, Bernard?’

‘Oh yes,’ he answered cheerfully. ‘It’s brand-new, you see,’ he added as if that explained everything.

‘How new?’

‘Well,’ he said, ‘it was completed eight months ago, and fully staffed, but unfortunately there were government cutbacks at that time and there was, consequently, no money left for the medical services.’

My mind was slowly boggling. ‘A brand-new hospital,’ I repeated quietly, to make sure I had not misheard, ‘with five hundred administrative staff and no patients?’

I sat and thought quietly for a few moments.

Then Bernard said helpfully, ‘Well, there is one patient, actually, Minister?’

‘One?’ I said.

‘Yes — the Deputy Chief Administrator fell over a piece of scaffolding and broke his leg.’

I began to recover myself. ‘My God,’ I said. ‘What if I’d been asked about this in the House?’ Bernard looked sheepish. ‘Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I didn’t know either.’

‘Why didn’t you know? Who did know? How come this hasn’t got out?’

Bernard explained that apparently one or two people at the DHSS knew. And they have told him that this is not unusual — in fact, there are several such hospitals dotted around the country.

It seems there is a standard method of preventing this kind of thing leaking out. ‘Apparently it has been contrived to keep it looking like a building-site, and so far no one has realised that the hospital is operational. You know, scaffolding and skips and things still there. The normal thing.’

I was speechless. ‘The normal thing?’ I gasped. [Apparently, not quite speechless — Ed.]

‘I think…’ I was in my decisive mood again, ‘… I think I’d better go and see it for myself, before the Opposition get hold of this one.’

‘Yes,’ said Bernard. ‘It’s surprising that the press haven’t found out by now, isn’t it?’

I informed Bernard that most of our journalists are so amateur that they would have grave difficulty in finding out that today is Thursday.

‘It’s actually Wednesday, Minister,’ he said.

I pointed to the door.

[The following Friday Sir Humphrey Appleby met Sir Ian Whitchurch, Permanent Secretary of the Department of Health and Social Security, at the Reform Club in Pall Mall. They discussed St Edward’s Hospital. Fortunately, Sir Humphrey made a note about this conversation on one of his special pieces of margin-shaped memo paper. Sir Humphrey preferred to write in margins where possible, but, if not possible, simulated margins made him feel perfectly comfortable — Ed

.]

Ian was understandably concerned about Hacker’s sudden interest in St Edward’s Hospital.

[We can infer from this note that Mr Bernard Woolley — as he then was — mentioned the matter of St Edward’s Hospital to Sir Humphrey, although when we challenged Sir Bernard — as he now is — on this point he had no recollection of doing so — Ed.]

I explained that my Minister was greatly concerned that the hospital contained no patients. We shared a certain sense of amusement on this point. My Minister was making himself faintly ridiculous. How can a hospital have patients when it has no nursing staff?

Ian quite rightly pointed out that they have great experience at the DHSS in getting hospitals going. The first step is to sort out the smooth-running of the place. Having patients around would be no help at all — they’d just get in the way. Ian therefore advised me to tell Hacker that this is the run-in period for St Edward’s.

However, anticipating further misplaced disquiet in political circles, I pressed Ian for an answer to the question: How long is the run-in period going to run? I was forced to refer to my Minister’s agreeing to a full independent enquiry.