The Delicate Crunch of Marshmallows

Dear Colleagues:

A lot of you will read that opening and groan. The last time you got a memo from me with that opening, you followed me up here.

You have my apologies for how badly things have turned out lately. I think my first line then was something to the effect of, “I quit.” But I wasn’t management then, nor was I responsible for screwing up the program. Now, I am. Therefore, I hereby fire myself from the position of program manager, effective one week from today.

I am appointing Raul Oroya as my replacement. That’ll teach him not to bitch. You should all give him your condolences when you see him.

Since we haven’t built our transportation home, I guess I’ll have to stay here. That means I’ll need a job, preferably one that will keep me out of your way and make enough use of my abilities that I rate my breathing air and ration of mush. I think the perfect position is something along the lines of “Researcher Emeritus and Wizened Advisor” so that’s what I propose to be.

In my last week, I hope to set in motion some changes which, with Raul’s skillful management, will hopefully get us back on track. The first step in this is to order a general shutdown of all construction on the ship.

The only job-related work to be done for the next two days will be whatever is necessary to keep the station life support running safely. Everyone is to take two days off to catch up on sleeping, laundry, reading, pursuing the opposite sex, and any other essential personal activities that you have been putting off for several years.

The remainder of the week will be spent fixing and building stuff to make our lives more pleasant, and getting ready for a picnic which will be held seven days from today, at Zulu noon, to celebrate my firing. Either bring an amusement or contrive some sort of interesting food dish in sufficient quantity to assure that we are all suitably overfed. Raul, you can work out the details.

The succeeding six months shall be spent repairing, building, and improving the production capacity of this facility, with such efforts to continue as needed to assure die most timely completion of the first transport.

My final official act will be to leave you with the following set of general operating rules for the project.

THE RULES

1. Our mission is the construction of transport category spacecraft. All useful work to this end is done by the technologists. Team leaders and administrative officers exist solely to support the technologists in the accomplishment of the mission.

2. ft shall be the duty of all employees to remind team leaders and administrators of Rule 1 as frequently and firmly as it takes to assure that it is followed.

3. No person is to work more than forty hours per week directly on the construction of spacecraft. Those wishing to work additional time toward the mission may work on improving production equipment, methods, and capabilities. Extra work is also permitted on improving the general standard of living, research and development of new technologies, and other worthwhile efforts.

4. All employees shall be required to use accrued vacation time in excess of one week for each year of service. Employees found violating this provision shall be forcibly ejected from their work-place by their fellow employees, with the following express orders: “Enjoy yourself.” This order shall be phased in over the next twelve months, on a rotating basis to be worked out among yourselves with a minimum of bloodshed.

5. All employees are encouraged to develop sideline businesses providing food, luxury, convenience, amusement, housing, and similar items for barter credits, to be pursued in spare time, provided these activities do not interfere with normal duties. Technical items for trade with other Belt production facilities may also be produced. Goods and services for transport production normally a part of employment duties shall not be permitted as barter items. To facilitate this activity, the station shall provide, at nominal charge against salaries, such surplus materials and production capacity as are available and appropriate.

6. Every time you do a task, try to find a way to do it better than before.

7. Bad ideas are not to be adopted as policy or put into practice.

8. Anyone caught using the acronym GOMMM, the phrase it represents, or any variation thereof, in other than a derisive context, shall be required to recite Rule 7 a minimum of 500 times. For the first offense.

9. All employees shall, on company time, spend five minutes a day looking out a porthole and appreciating just where it is that they are. Pretty wonderful, ain’t it?

10. Build the best damned spaceships you can.