The Eye of Zoltar

‘Asking Curtis to help?’ I said.

‘Asking Curtis for anything.’

I looked quizzically at her, and she nodded towards Curtis, who, now I looked closer, wasn’t just standing there looking thoughtfully out at the scenery, but simply standing there. I could even see the fine stitching down his neck.

‘Hotax?’ I said, waving a hand in front of Curtis’ blank and unmoving features. He had been paralysed, captured, boned, eaten and then stuffed. It wasn’t a pleasant way to go, but would at least have been painless, and ornamentally at least he was now quite impressive.

‘The Hollow Men don’t see the Hotax as a threat,’ said Addie, ‘the same as Tralfamosaur and Snork Badger and all the rest. Leave him. He had it coming.’

‘No one deserves this,’ I said.

‘Perhaps not,’ said Addie, ‘but he was only ever along to make up the fifty per cent casualty rate I’d promised – and you agreed to him coming along.’

‘That’s true,’ I conceded, then added: ‘How are we doing on that?’

Addie counted the casualty rate on her fingers.

‘Out of the eight in the team we’ve now lost three: Ignatius, Ralph and Curtis – which is pretty much what I’d planned. If I’m right we only need lose one more.’

‘It’s a nice mathematical theory,’ I said, ‘but I’m not sure the fifty per cent thing is working any more. We’re fighting for our lives.’

‘You’re right,’ she said sadly, ‘but it helps to have something hopeful to cling on to, no matter how slender. Some people have a lucky gonk or a deity – I have statistics.’

She gave me a smile.

‘Listen,’ she said, offering her hand for me to shake, ‘it’s been a lot of fun. Most tourists just moan about the food and the weather and the transport and the hotels and stuff and then think of devious ways they can fleece me for a refund. You were different, and I’d like you to know that whatever happens, I’d tour-guide for you anywhere, any time – and with a generous discount.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, knowing that such a compliment was not often given, and a discount even less so, ‘and on my part, you’ve been exemplary. If we survive this final push, I’ll be giving you the best feedback I can.’

We shook hands again and parted. I walked across to where the Princess was helping Wilson and Perkins secure Rubber Colin in the back of the half-track. Because of the lateness of the hour and with rain due tomorrow we had decided to cross as soon as possible. Magic doesn’t work so well in the rain, and although this meant the drones’ powers would be diminished, it followed that Perkins’ power would too. As soon as Rubber Colin was lashed down I asked Perkins about his plan.

‘I’m not sure.’

‘That’s not helpful,’ I said, ‘we’re kind of counting on you.’

‘No, I mean, I’m not sure yet. I won’t be able to come up with a countermeasure until I get an idea of the spell the Hollow Men are running. I can’t defeat a hundred drones, obviously, but there may be some way I can disable them long enough for you to get away.’

I looked around. With me driving the half-track, the Princess no good with a sword and Perkins concentrating on a realistic countermeasure, that left only Addie and Wilson wielding swords to keep the Hollow Men at bay. And while they were easily dispatched by a sharp sword – they were hollow after all, and needed their clothes to move and fight – the sheer weight of numbers might prove too much. Not knowing how many there were didn’t help, either.

‘Is it worth derubberising Colin?’ I asked. ‘I know his fiery breath is not fully developed, but at close quarters it might do some damage.’

‘I thought of that too,’ said Perkins, ‘but I read the washing label on those Hollow Men clothes we found earlier, and they were made of fire-retardant synthetic material. I’m going to keep the power I have for the countermeasure.’

‘Whatever that might be.’

‘Yes,’ said Perkins, ‘whatever that might be.’

‘These swords were a bit rusty,’ said Addie, showing me one of the weapons we had retreived from the river earlier, ‘but I’ve managed to get an edge back on them.’

‘What do I do?’ asked the Princess.

‘You’ll keep your head down.’

She looked at me petulantly.

‘Like hell I will. If we’re going to die, I’m going to go down fighting, even if I’m totally rubbish with a weapon.’

‘Fair enough,’ I said, and handed her a cutlass. She swished it in the air a couple of times.

‘Pointy end towards the bad guy, right?’

‘Right.’

I gathered everyone around.

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘this is the plan. The Hollow Men are tireless, violent fighters, but we have one advantage: they can’t run faster than a half-track. We’re going to charge across as quick as we can. Addie, Princess and Wilson, you’re on defence. Perkins here will let fly with whatever he can as soon as he figures out a weakness.’

‘How long will that be?’ asked Addie.

‘I don’t know,’ said Perkins, ‘but the closer they get the better I can sense the weave of their spell.’

‘Terrific,’ replied Wilson, ‘so let them get close?’

‘If you can.’

‘Any more questions?’ I asked. There weren’t. ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘good luck, everyone.’