The Fifth Elephant

The noise they heard was long and drawn out and menacing. It was the sound of LanceConstable Bluejohn's chair being pushed back.

The floor creaked as he shambled past Colon, removed his helmet from its peg with one enormous hand and headed for the door.

' 'm goin' on patrol,' he mumbled.

'You're not on patrol for another hour,' said Constable Visit.

' 'm goin' now,' said Bluejohn. The room was darkened for a moment as he eclipsed the doorway, and then he was gone.

'Why's everyone so tetchy all of a sudden?' said Colon. The remaining constables tried not to catch his eye.

'Did I hear someone snigger?' he demanded.

'I didn't hear anyone snigger, Barge,' said Nobby.

'Oh? Oh? You think I'm a sergeant, do you, Corporal Nobbs?'

'No, Fred, I—oh, gawds...'

'I can see things have got pretty slack around here,' said Captain Colon, an evil little gleam in his eye. 'I bet you were all thinking, oh, it's only fat old Fred Colon, it's all going to be gravy from now on, eh?'

'Oh, Fred, no one thinks you're old—oh, gawds...'

'Just fat, eh?' Fred glowered around the room. Suddenly, and against all previous evidence, everyone was vitally interested in their paperwork.

'Right! Well, from now on things are going to be different,' said Captain Colon. 'Oh, yes. I'm on to all your little tricks— Who said that?'

'Said what, captain?' said Nobby, who'd also heard the little whispered 'We learned 'em all from you, sarge,' but at this moment would eat live coals rather than admit it.

'Someone said something blotto voice,' said Captain Colon.

'I'm sure they didn't, captain,' said Nobby.

'And I won't be eyeballed like that, neither!'

'No one's looking at you!' wailed Nobby.

'Aha, you think I don't know that one?' Colon shouted. 'There's plenty of ways to eyeball someone without lookin' at 'em, corporal. That man over there is earlobing me!'

'I think Constable Ping is just really interested in the report he's writing, Fre—Sar— Captain.'

Colon's ruffled feathers settled a little. 'Well, all right. And now I'm going up to my office, all right? There'll be some changes around here. And someone bring me a cup of tea.'

They watched him go up the stairs, enter the office and slam the door.

'Well, the—' Constable Ping began, but Nobby, who had a lot more experience of the Colon personality, waved one hand frantically for silence while he held the other one to his ear, very theatrically.

Then they all heard the door click open again, quietly.

'A change is as good as a rest, I suppose,' said Constable Ping.

'As the prophet Ossory says, better an ox in the potters' fields of Hersheba than a sandal in the wine presses of Gash,' said Constable Visit.

'Yeah, so I've heard,' said Nobby. 'Well, I'll just make him his tea. Everyone feels better after a cup of tea.'

A couple of minutes later the constables heard Colon shouting, even through the door.

'What is wrong with this mug, corporal?!'

'Nothing, Sa— sir. It's yer mug. You always have your tea in it.'

'Ah, but, you see, it is a sergeants mug, corporal. And what is it that officers drink out of?'

'Well, Carrot and Mister Vimes have got their own mugs—'

'No, they may choose to drink out of mugs, corporal, but Watch regulations say officers have a cup and saucer. Says so right here, regulation 301, sub-section c. Do you understand me?'

'I don't think we've got any—'

'You know where the petty cash is. Usually you're the only person that does. You're dismissed, corporal.'

Nobby came down the stairs white-faced, holding the offending receptacle.

The door opened again.

'And none of you are to gob in it, neither!' shouted Colon. 'I know that one! And it's to be stirred with a spoon, understand? I know that one, too.' The door slammed.

Constable Visit took the mug from Nobby's shaking hand and patted him on the shoulder.

'Chalky the troll does some very good seconds, I understand—' he began.

The door opened. 'Bloody china, too!'

The door slammed.

'Anyone seen the petty cash lately?' said Constable Ping.

Nobby reached mournfully into his pocket and pulled out some dollars. He handed them to Visit.

'Better go to that posh shop in Kings Way,' he said. 'Get one of those cups and saucers thin enough to see through. You know, with gold around the rim.' He looked around the other constables. 'What're you lot doing here? You won't catch many criminals in here!'

'Does the petty cash count, Nobby?' said Ping.

'Don't you Nobby me, Ping! You just get out there! And the rest of you!'

Days rolled by. More accurately, they rattled by. It was a comfortable coach, as coaches went, and as coaches on this road went over continual potholes, it swayed and rocked like a cradle. Initially, the motion was soothing. After a day or two it palled. So did the scenery.

Vimes stared glumly out of the window.