The Fifth Elephant

Lord Vetinari paused. He found it difficult to talk to Frederick Colon. He dealt on a daily basis with people who treated conversation as a complex game, and with Colon he had to keep on adjusting his mind in case he overshot.

'Pursuing the business of your recent career with, I have to admit, some considerable and growing fascination, I am moved to ask you why the Watch now appears to have a staff of twenty.'

'Sah?'

'You had around sixty a little while ago, I'm sure.'

Colon mopped his face. 'Cutting out the dead wood, sah! Making the Watch leaner an' fitter, sah!'

'I see. The number of internal disciplinary charges you have laid against your men—' and here the Patrician picked up a much thicker document— 'seems somewhat excessive. I see no fewer than one hundred and seventy-three offences of eyeballing, earlobing and nostrilling, for example.'

'Sah!'

'Nostrilling, acting captain?'

'Sah!'

'Oh. And I see, ah yes, one charge of "making his arm fall off in an insubordinate way" laid against Constable Shoe. Commander Vimes has always given me glowing reports about this officer.'

Ole's a nasty piece of work, sah! You can't trust the dead ones!'

'Nor, it would seem, most of the live ones.'

'Sah!' Colon leaned forward, his face twisted in a ghastly grimace of conspiratoriality. 'Between you and me, sir, Commander Vimes was a good deal too soft on them. He let them get away with too much. No sugar is safe, sah!'

Vetinari's eyes narrowed, but the telescopes on Planet Colon were far too unsophisticated to detect his mood.

'I certainly recall him mentioning a couple of officers whose time-keeping, demeanour, and all-round uselessness were a dreadful example to the rest of the men,' said the Patrician.

'There's my point,' said Colon triumphantly. 'One bad apple ruins the whole barrel!'

'I think there's only a basket now,' said the Patrician. 'A punnet, possibly.'

'Don't you worry about a thing, your lordship! I'll turn things around. I'll soon get them smartened up!'

'I am sure you have it in you to surprise me even further,' said Vetinari, leaning back. 'I shall definitely keep my eye on you as the man to watch. And now, acting captain, do you have anything else to report?'

'All nice and quiet, sah!'

'I would that it was,' said Vetinari. 'I was just wondering if there was anything going on involving any person in this city called—' he looked down at another sheet of paper— 'Sonky?'

Captain Colon almost swallowed his tongue. 'Minor matter, sah!' he managed.

'So, Sonky is alive?'

'Er... found dead, sah!'

'Murdered?'

'Sah!'

'Dear me. Many people would not consider that a minor matter, acting captain. Sonky, for one.'

'Well, sah, not everyone agrees with what he does, sah.'

'Are we by any chance talking about Wallace Sonky? The manufacturer of rubber goods?'

'Sah!'

'Boots and gloves seem non-controversial to me, acting captain.'

'It's, er, the other stuff, sah!' Colon coughed nervously. 'He makes them rubber wallies, sah.'

'Ah. The preventatives.'

'Lot of people don't agree with that sort of thing, sah.'

'So I understand.'

Colon drew himself up to attention again. 'Not natural, in my view, sah. Not in favour of unnatural things.'

Vetinari looked perplexed. 'You mean, you eat your meat raw and sleep in a tree?'

'Sah?'

'Oh, nothing, nothing. Someone in Uberwald seems to be taking an interest in him lately. And now he's dead. I would not dream of telling the Watch their job, of course.'

He watched Colon carefully to see if this had sunk in.

'I said that it is entirely up to you to choose what to investigate in this bustling city,' he prompted.

Colon was lost in unfamiliar country without a map. 'Thank you, sah!' he barked.

Vetinari sighed. 'And now, acting captain, I'm sure there's much that needs your attention.'

'Sah! I've got plans to—'

'I meant, do not let me detain you.'

'Oh, that's all right, sir, I've got plenty of time—'

'Goodbye, Acting Captain Colon.'

Out in the anteroom Fred Colon stood very still for a while, until his heartbeat wound down from a whine to at least a purr.

It had, on the whole, gone quite well. Very well. Amazingly well, really. His lordship had practically taken him into his confidence. He'd called him 'a man to watch'.

Fred wondered why he'd been so scared of officering all these years. There was nothing to it, really, once you got the bull between your teeth. If only he'd started years ago! Of course, he wouldn't hear a word said about Mr Vimes, who should certainly be looking after himself in those dangerous foreign parts... but, well, Fred Colon had been a sergeant when Sam Vimes was a rookie, hadn't he? It was only his nat'ral deference that'd held him back all these years. When Sam Vimes came back, and with the Patrician there to put in a good word for him, Fred Colon would definitely be on the promotion ladder.