The Fifth Elephant

'The coronation cannot go ahead vithout it, did you know that?'

'We'll have to wait until they bake another one?' said Vimes.

'No. There vill be no more Low Kings,' said Lady Margolotta. 'Legitimacy, you see. The Scone represents continuity all the vay to B'hrian Bloodaxe. They say he sat on it while it is still soft and left his impression, as it were.'

'You mean kingship has passed from bubackside to backside?'

'Humans believe in crowns, don't they?'

'Yes, but at least they're at the other end!'

'Thrones, then.' Lady Margolotta sighed. 'People set such store by strange things. Crowns. Relics. Garlic. Anyway, there vill be a civil var over the leadership which Albrecht will surely vin, and he'll cease all trading with Ankh-Morpork. Did you know that? He thinks the place is evil.'

'I know it is,' said Vimes. 'And I live there.'

'I've heard that he plans to declare all dwarfs there d'hrarak,' the vampire went on. Vimes heard Cheery gasp. 'It means "not dwarfs".'

'That's very big of him,' said Vimes. 'I shouldn't think our lads'll worry about that.'

'Um,' said Cheery.

'Quite so. The young lady looks vorried, and you'd do vell to listen to her, Sir Samuel.'

'Excuse me,' said Vimes, 'but what is all this to you?'

'You really don't drink at all, Sir Samuel?'

No.

'Not even vun?'

'No,' said Vimes, more sharply. 'You'd know that if you knew anything about—'

'Yet you keep half a bottle in your bottom drawer as a sort of permanent test,' said Lady Margolotta. 'Now that, Sir Samuel, suggests a man who vears his hair shirts on the inside.'

'I want to know who's been saying all this!'

Lady Margolotta sighed. Vimes got the impression that he'd failed another test. 'I am rich, Sir Samuel. Vampires tend to be. Didn't you know? Lord Vetinari, I know, believes that information is currency. But everyvun knows that currency has alvays been information. Money doesn't need to talk, it merely has to listen.'

She stopped and sat watching Vimes, as if she'd suddenly decided to listen. Vimes moved uncomfortably under the steady gaze.

'How is Havelock Vetinari?' she said.

'The Patrician? Oh... fine.'

'He must be quite old now.'

'I've never really been certain how old he is,' said Vimes. 'About my age, I suppose.'

Then she stood up suddenly. 'This has been an interesting meeting, Sir Samuel. I trust Lady Sybil is vell?'

'Er, yes.'

'Good. I am so glad. Ve vill meet again, I am sure. Igor vill see you out. My regards to the Baron, vhen you see him. Pat him on the head for me:'

'What the hell was that all about, Cheery?' said Vimes, as the coach set off down the hill again.

'Which bit, sir?'

'Practically all of it, really. Why should Ankh-Morpork dwarfs object if someone says they're not dwarfs? They know they're dwarfs.'

'They won't be subject to dwarf law, sir.'

'I didn't know they were.'

'I mean, it's like... how you live your life, sir. Marriages, burials, that sort of thing. Marriages won't be legal. Old dwarfs won't be allowed to be buried back home. And that'd be terrible. Every dwarf dreams of going back home when he's old and starting up a little mine.'

'Every dwarf? Even the ones who were born in Ankh-Morpork?'

'Home can mean all sorts of things, sir,' said Cheery. 'There's other things, too. Contracts won't be valid. Dwarfs like good solid rules, sir.'

'We've got laws in Ankh-Morpork, too. More or less.'

'Between themselves dwarfs prefer to use their own, sir.'

'I bet the Copperhead dwarfs won't like it if that happens.'

'Yes, sir. There'll be a split. And another war.' She sighed.

'But why was she going on about drink?'

'I don't know, sir.'

'I don't like 'em. Never have done, never will.'

'Yes, sir.'

'Did you see that rat?'

'Yes, sir.'

'I think she was laughing at me.'

The coach rolled through the streets of Bonk once more.

'How big a war?'

'A worse one than the one fifty years ago, I expect,' said Cheery.

'I don't recall people talking about that one,' said Vimes.

'Most humans didn't know about it,' said Cheery. 'It mostly took place underground. Undermining passages and digging invasion tunnels and so on. Perhaps a few houses fell into mysterious holes and people didn't get their coal, but that was about it.'

'You mean dwarfs just try to collapse mines on other dwarfs?'

'Oh, yes.'

'I thought you were all law-abiding?'

'Oh, yes, sir. Very law-abiding. Just not very merciful.'

Ye gods, thought Vimes, as the coach rolled over the bridge in the centre of the town, I haven't been sent to a coronation. I've been sent to a war that hasn't started yet.

He glanced up. Tantony was watching him intently, but looked away quickly.

Lady Margolotta watched the coach until it reached the gates of the town. She stood back a little from the window. There was a slight overcast, but habits of preservation died hard.

'Vhat a very angry man, Igor.'

'Yeth, mithtreth.'

'You can see it piling up behind his patience. I vonder how far he can be pushed?'

'I've brought the hearthe around, mithtreth.'