The Great Troll War

‘A man’s word is the bond of past friendships in Kent,’ he intoned gravely, ‘and fish do not walk when there is water in which to swim.’

I looked at Tiger, who shrugged. He thought it was nonsense too.

‘Consider the tadpole,’ said the hermit as an afterthought, then bowed again and stepped aside with a flourish as Sir Matt took a dramatic pace forward.

‘Please don’t get up,’ he said, although as far as I could see no one was going to, ‘everything is now okay since I am here.’

Princess Jocaminca, recently recovered, swooned again, but more showily, hoping to gain his attention.

‘United under my ruggedly masculine leadership,’ he continued, ‘we will vanquish the Troll and lead the Kingdoms into new and broad sunlit uplands. Furthermore …’

He carried on in this vein for several minutes. While he was talking about honour and loyalty and personal self-sacrifice – although not necessarily his own – everyone looked a little bored. Some people doodled on their pads, the Dragons started playing Scrabble with their neighbours and Tiger got out his yo-yo. The Princess leaned across to me and whispered:

‘Have you come across this buttfish20 before?’

‘Several times,’ I replied. ‘He tried to kill me on the orders of your father. Weirdly, I was a huge fan when I was much younger, and even had a poster of him in my room.’

This wasn’t unusual, as Sir Matt Grifflon, in addition to his role as the King of Snodd’s favourite knight and enforcer, was also a successful recording artist. His last single, ‘A horse, a song and me’, had been a huge hit, and when not searching for a princess with a suitably large Kingdom to marry, he also did concert tours and was a dab hand at jousting.

‘Don’t trust him an inch,’ said the Princess. ‘He was always a pain in the bum back in the palace, strutting around the place and cosying up to Mummy and Daddy. My father wanted to sell him a marriage option but Mummy wouldn’t allow it.’

‘He’ll want to marry you now.’

‘What, me, in my scrawny handmaiden’s body?’

‘Knowing Grifflon,’ I said, ‘he’ll have definitely figured out Rule 35b and will warmly embrace you with flattery.’

‘… and leave no stone unturned as we expel this vile evil from our land,’ concluded Sir Matt, and then, noticing Colin for the first time, yelled: ‘Dragon!’ and approached Colin menacingly, his large and very ornate sword now out of its scabbard. The Dragon, however, merely raised an eyebrow in a bored kind of way.

‘Loathsome beast!’ yelled Sir Matt. ‘Destroyer of all that is good and wholesome, prepare to meet thy maker!’

He raised his sword to strike but Colin, with an almost effortless twitch of his tail, severed Sir Matt’s sword neatly at the hilt – the blade of which clattered harmlessly to the floor.

Sir Matt stared stupidly at the broken sword for a few moments.

‘That was very expensive,’ he said reproachfully. ‘You should be more respectful of other people’s property.’

‘And you should be more respectful of others’ right to life,’ replied Colin.

‘The Dragons are with us,’ said the Princess. ‘You are to leave them both alone.’

‘There are two?’

‘Helloooo,’ said Feldspar, giving him a cheery wave from the other side of the room.

‘A double slaying,’ said Grifflon excitedly, ‘an honour I shall inscribe upon my coat of arms.’

‘No one’s going to be killing any Dragons,’ said the Princess. ‘It is my order.’

‘I’m a knight,’ he said simply, ‘killing Dragons is what I do.’

‘And burning idiots like you to powdered charcoal,’ said Colin, ‘is what we do.’

‘Hmm,’ said Sir Matt, and tried to put his broken sword back in the scabbard. It wouldn’t go, not having a blade, so he passed the hilt to one of his squires, walked up to where we were sitting and made a deep bow and a flourish of high chivalry towards Princess Shazine, who stared back at him suspiciously.

‘My queen,’ he said. ‘By an act of my selfless generosity your Dragons are now spared. I pledge my loyalty to my ruler, and offer myself as personal bodyguard, willing to die to protect the most inestimable jewel in these islands. Beautiful as you were when a princess, you are twice as lovely now, your external plainness, lank hair, mildly gawky appearance and unfortunate dentition confirmation that the soul of a ruler resides within. And,’ he added, really pushing the boat out when it came to flattery, ‘I think that beauty, good bone structure and a willowy physique are merely embellishments that have no bearing on inner character, and that far greater treasures lie beneath the surface. You and I were made for one another, and I think, given the dire circumstances, that we should be married straight away.’

‘Oh,’ said the Princess, ‘isn’t that a bit quick? I mean, you haven’t even taken me out to dinner yet.’

‘Or a movie,’ said Colin.

‘Yes indeed, a movie, thank you, good point,’ said the Princess.