The Great Troll War

Lady Mawgon was in charge of the Operations Room, which was just down the hall and opposite the main reception. The converted reading room was now full of desks, telephones and hastily employed clerks who were taking calls from the network of observers dotted around the country. All the information came through Mawgon, who decided what was relevant and necessary as opposed to what was hearsay and exaggeration. At the same time, she coordinated the regional resistance groups.

‘Good evening, Lady Mawgon,’ I said. ‘How are things looking in the Troll defence network?’

She was ex-Zambini Towers, one of the few who had escaped the Troll/Shandar attack. She and I had not really got along until this moment of National Jeopardy, following which she had transformed herself – I hope permanently – from ‘openly hostile’ to ‘mostly disapproving’, a huge step forward.

‘The situation is not looking favourable, Miss Strange.’

She’d get round to calling me ‘Jennifer’ eventually, and perhaps even ‘Jenny’, if either of us lived that long. Lady Mawgon curtsied to the Princess, whose new role as Queen had got about, and made a short speech of loyalty, then nodded respectfully to Once Magnificent Boo, who she saw not just as a mentor in the mystical arts, but the finest exponent of the often tricky art of looking perpetually moody without really trying.

Lady Mawgon moved to where there was a large map of the UnUnited Kingdoms on the wall. She didn’t so much walk as drift across the room. I knew for a fact she wore roller skates under her large black crinoline dresses, an odd affectation that softened her a little in my and Tiger’s eyes.

‘We’ve just heard that Wales has finally fallen,’ she said, pointing at the map with her stick, ‘and the last two hold-outs of the Duchy of Portland Bill and the economic City State of Financia surrendered last week rather than be eaten. The only part of the UnUK at liberty aside from this tip of Cornwall is the Seagoing Nation of the Isle of Wight, but they will not be of any help: in their eagerness to get away they ran themselves aground on Iceland in the fog.’ She paused for a moment. ‘So aside from a few pockets of resistance where they had either hidden up trees or are marooned on islands, the UnUnited Kingdoms are now Greater Trollvania.’

‘To them,’ said Tiger. ‘The United European Nations will never accept the Troll as legal owner of islands that were invaded against their will.’

‘Actually,’ said Lady Mawgon, ‘that’s exactly what the UEN did. It really is now known as Greater Trollvania. I think it was part of a deal whereby the Trolls didn’t further their territorial ambitions into Europe.’

We stared at the map of the UnUnited Kingdoms for a moment. We really were on our own.

‘If it only took two weeks to conquer the entire UnUnited Kingdoms,’ I said slowly, ‘the biggest question is why they haven’t done it since the Romans last expelled them beyond the Great Troll Wall in AD 130.’

‘The Wall was designed to keep them out,’ said Monty, ‘and as far as anyone knows, they never once tried to invade us – all the Troll Wars since then were instigated by humans.’

‘As a precautionary measure against the Trolls attacking?’ asked Tiger.

‘It was more likely so Daddy and others could sell shedloads of military hardware,’ said the Princess sadly. ‘Nothing like exaggerating a non-existent threat to sell rocket launchers, field artillery and a few hundred landships.28’

It had long been suspected this was the case. The King of Snodd’s Useless Brother had once tried to declare war on the ocean so he could sell thousands of his ‘anti-sea’ artillery shells – all guaranteed to hit the target with one hundred per cent accuracy. But Monty was right. The Trolls hadn’t once tried to invade in nearly two thousand years.

‘They are a distraction to aid Shandar’s plans,’ said Full Price. ‘With the Kingdoms under the heel of the Troll, no one could oppose him.’

‘That sounds logical,’ I said. ‘Carry on with your report, please, Lady Mawgon.’

‘Our observers have been reporting in hourly,’ said Mawgon. ‘Estimates vary but it looks as though there are currently two million Trolls in the Kingdoms and their numbers are still rising.’

She pointed at Trollvania on the map – everything north of the Troll Walls. There were two walls, the second about ten miles north of the first, reputedly the result of a mix-up during the wall-building contract-tendering stage. They ran roughly from the River Clyde in the west to Stirling in the East. Mawgon explained that although the area north of the walls was large in size,29 the number of Trolls ever seen from the air on photo reconnaissance missions was nil.

‘Where are they coming from?’ asked Monty.

‘We don’t know,’ said Lady Mawgon, ‘but it explains why the last five Troll Wars have resulted in utter defeat and failure: the visible number of Trolls was always low, yet their numbers were massive when attacked.’

We mused on this for a moment.