The Great Troll War

I now returned the hug, hoping that it would eventually make its way back up the line to him. I knew then I wouldn’t see Zambini again, and not because he had stopped randomly appearing. It was just that the next time he did, I would, as likely as not, no longer be here.

Eventually, Molly released me from the embrace, and I blinked away the tears.

‘So,’ I said, wanting to move on, ‘why are Trolls so frightened of buttons?’

‘They’re just horrible,’ she said with a shiver. ‘The randomness of their size and colour – and the noise they make when they touch. Ugh. The same goes for swimming. I mean, what’s the point? The water gets up your nose and it’s really slow. And that shade of cerulean blue? It’s just, well, nasty.’

‘Would jackets covered with buttons be any sort of defence?’ I asked.

‘Not really,’ she said. ‘The button suit would have to cover you head to toe, and it wouldn’t stop Trolls killing you and then pulling the clothes off your shattered body with a long pair of tongs.’

‘I suppose not. Tiger,’ I said, ‘send someone around the hardware stores of Cornwall and get as many blue paint swatches as you can to show Molly, and see if we can isolate the specific shade of cerulean they despise.’

‘It’s a very precise shade,’ said Molly. ‘Most blues we’re quite happy with.’

‘Also,’ I added, ‘I want you to source a long duster coat and fedora hat. I don’t want the sight of our valued friend and ally causing consternation or accidental attacks.’

‘Right,’ said Tiger, and hurried off.

‘I don’t want to go outside,’ said Molly, suddenly apprehensive. ‘I can transfer from a car to a building but only at a run.’

‘We can facilitate that,’ I said.

‘Well,’ said Molly, looking at us all in turn, ‘you turned out to be quite pleasant after all, and hardly dangerous or ill tempered at all. But you know what could really cement this friendship?’

‘Moussaka?’ asked the Princess.

This HENRY totally sucks

There was only the merest glimmer of the pre-dawn when we gathered outside the hotel the following morning. Tiger was there with the two Dibble Storage Jars37 in a rucksack, and I was there with the warmest clothes I could find.

Once Magnificent Boo and Full Price were also present, there to see us off. Ideally, either of them should have come with me as they could do a little magic ‘on the fly’ if required, but Colin and Feldspar were still teenagers, and couldn’t carry their weight.

‘Tiger will have to carry the jars,’ said Feldspar, who was fussing as usual. He’d found a set of bathroom scales to ensure the weight was evenly distributed and said it would help if Tiger took Exhorbitus, but I wouldn’t be parted from it, so had to divest myself of all other items in order for him to take me at all.

‘We’ll try and figure out Shandar’s plans while you’re away,’ said Boo. ‘Monty’s trying to figure out what 2.1 TeraShandars of wizidrical energy will actually do and perhaps work backwards from there.’

‘I just thought of something,’ said Tiger. ‘If Zambini had been literal when he said “bigger and bolder than anything you can imagine” then it’s not world domination because, well, we’ve just thought of that and it’s not a big stretch – all power-hungry megalomaniacs want that – along with adoring masses, a lot of gold and some very big statues.’

It was a good point.

‘In that case,’ I said, swiftly thinking this through, ‘we need someone who can think bigger and more boldly than us. Someone who has fanciful notions and weird screwball ideas that fly in the face of logic and reasoning.’

‘What about – I don’t know – a fantasy author?’ suggested Tiger. ‘They’re pretty unhinged and come up with all kinds of weird and crazy stuff. Maybe they can help.’

Boo said she’d get Princess Jocaminca on to it as it would be good to ‘see those wasters doing some work for a change’.

‘Okay,’ I said, tying a handkerchief around my neck against the chill morning air, ‘we’re out of here. Happy and ready to go?’

‘Yup,’ said Colin.

‘Yup,’ said Feldspar.

‘I’m ready,’ said Tiger.

‘Now listen,’ said Once Magnificent Boo, coming over all motherly, which felt very alien indeed, unless your own mother was moody and distant and forbidding and didn’t blink and stared at you oddly all the time. ‘To recharge the storage jars just put them near the source of the HENRY and let them fill on their own.’

‘You’ll know they’re full when they start to glow bright green,’ added Full Price. ‘It shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. Yes?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good luck, then. Think you’ll be okay?’

I paused for thought. We had to defeat the most powerful wizard the planet had ever seen along with an untold number of Trolls with dinner on their minds – and had little to help us: a princess with no nation, two fussy Dragons, fencers and marksmen who were neither of those things, a bunch of terrible worriers, two sorcerers with no magic, no plan, a vegetarian Troll and forty-eight hours in which to do it.

‘Piece of cake,’ I said.