The Great Troll War

It was the Mighty Shandar, who had been watching while seated on a deckchair. I hadn’t noticed him until now. With five thousand Trolls about to treat you as little more than a live buffet, I think I could be excused that.

I didn’t say anything; I knew what he’d come for.

‘Are you ready to go?’ he asked, looking at me. ‘I have a date with destiny and she doesn’t like being kept waiting.’

‘While I still have air in my lungs, Shandar,’ I said, ‘you will never have the Quarkbeast and I shall never be party to your heinous plans.’

‘Never say never, Jennifer. See there: the little fellow understands what he is, and what he was always meant to do.’

‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast as he trotted up. He looked up at me with his large mauve eyes. I felt him very clearly speaking in my head. Through the Mysterious X, I imagine.

‘It’s okay, Jennifer,’ he seemed to say, ‘sometimes death brings about opportunity. Don’t be afraid.’

I turned to Shandar.

‘You like deals. Here’s mine: if I come with you to be your strategic moral compass, will you spare the planet?’

He stared at me for a moment. Shandar was not called ‘The Mighty’ for nothing, and his power, against mine, was vast. There are occasions when you have to be realistic, and get the best deal you can in a bad situation. It was the first time I had put something on the table, the first time I had even conceded that he might have a winning hand. But then I think he knew I would – that the Better Angels that were once his were powerful indeed, the sort that would trade themselves for others. If he’d kept them, he might have been a good man.

‘Are those your terms?’ he asked.

‘They are,’ I said.

‘It’s a big ask,’ he said. ‘I need the power of an entire sun before I can warp spacetime significantly enough to travel the distances I need – but no matter. We’ll drop off at Proxima Centauri54 and harness the power of that star instead. It’ll take us thirty-seven years to get there, but with time eternal, I’m not troubled. We’ve got a lot of books and all the music we could want. I think I packed some jigsaws, too. With the Hollow Men and Women to wait on us, it’ll be fun. So yes, I agree to your terms – with one proviso.’

‘And what’s that?’

‘When you turn eighteen, you marry me. Not a big party. Just you and me and D’Argento and the empty suits. We’ll be a husband-and-wife galactic domination team. I’ll order the killings and the torture, and you can handle the mercy, diplomacy and soft furnishings. You’ll save billions of lives, Jennifer. What do you say?’

‘Is that a deal-breaker?’

‘It is. Marriage to me – or Planet Earth dies. What’s it to be?’

I tensed inwardly, but showed no outward emotion.

‘Deal.’

‘Then that’s all agreed,’ he said with a grin. ‘It’s going to be quite a journey, and one that I don’t think you’ll regret.’

‘I’ll need to say my goodbyes,’ I said, ‘and I’d like to bring my Volkswagen. Where I go, it goes.’

‘Agreed. I’ll have them leave a space – and I’ll get the Hollow Women to stock up with some spares. What engine does it have?’

‘The twelve hundred – and with six-volt electrics.’

‘You never had it upgraded?’

‘It has a cast pedestal55 so I couldn’t without swapping out the engine.’

He made a note.

‘Okay, then. Don’t forget the Quarkbeast, now – oh, and nothing magical is allowed on board the tower. No amulets, Dibble Storage Jars, no tricks – nothing.’

‘It’ll be just me and the Beast and the car.’

‘See you later, then.’

And he vanished, but this time without the dramatic pillar of fire.

I looked at the Princess and Tiger, who were staring back at me.

‘What?’ I said. ‘It’s a no-brainer, and a good deal in the circumstances.’

‘It’s not a good deal for you,’ said the Princess. ‘I mean … marrying him?’

I thought for a moment and took a deep breath.

‘Y’know what? Although Zambini and Mother Zenobia moulded me to defeat him, perhaps I don’t get to thwart Shandar’s plans after all, but simply to relocate them – and a long way away. Besides,’ I added, ‘I save billions of lives on Earth, and countless more on planets I’ve never heard of during eons that are yet to begin. I may even get to save alien species that haven’t yet evolved. That’s a weird one to get your head around, but it’s the best and biggest and finest gig anyone will ever get, no matter which way you look at it.’

I sighed. When Zambini and Zenobia had only a few decades to counter a threat three centuries in the making, they did what they could, not what they wanted.

I stared for a moment at the now-redundant Button Trench.

‘It served its purpose well,’ said Tiger, following my gaze, ‘and no one should forget that Wizard Moobin gave his life to build it.’

‘All sacrifices have been noted,’ said the Princess. ‘All those who gave themselves to defeat the Trolls will be honoured.’

We all lapsed into silence for a while.

‘Let’s go and have some breakfast,’ I said finally. ‘I think we’ve earned it.’

We say goodbye