The Great Troll War

I hugged the Quarkbeast tightly. I’d had to trust Maltcassion the moment before I slayed him, and the Quarkbeast had told me that death brings about opportunity. I’d also learned that death is sometimes not the worst thing that can happen: it can be a gateway, whereby old things pass away and new and better things arrive in their place.

I relaxed my grip on the Quarkbeast, and he wagged his tail again, gave me a wink, laid his paw on my hand and then trotted off towards the central stairway and the Quarkbeast Deck.

‘Quark,’ he said as an afterthought once in the stairwell. ‘Quark-Quark-Quark.’

‘Why do you shed tears for something that isn’t real?’ asked Shandar, staring at me.

‘You couldn’t possibly understand,’ I replied.

He smiled.

‘But you will teach me. Now: I’m going to give you free rein to move around the tower, but if I suspect you’re getting up to any monkey business, I will have you bricked up in your quarters. The one thing I’ve learned about Jennifer Strange is that she’s very resourceful, but since you have no plans or magical gadgets to help you out, I have little to fear from you. But the threat of bricking you up in your quarters remains. Understand?’

‘I understand.’

‘Good. The Hollow maid will show you to your rooms.’

And so saying, Shandar vanished.

The Hollow maid was dressed the same as the other Hollow Women, but with the addition of a white apron with pockets. She, like the rest of the Hollow people, was just empty clothes hanging in the air.

‘Lead on,’ I said, and she walked me towards the elevators.

‘Mind the step,’ she said in a weirdly empty voice.

‘You can talk?’ I asked.

‘The Glorious Leader has great plans for make good benevolent domination of galaxy,’ she said mechanically. ‘We are earmarked for Mandrake Sentience Emulation Protocol upgrades. His Mightiness believes eons better spent more comfortably with servants who have personality. Is this good?’

‘Yes. You’ll enjoy the protocols.’

‘I do not feel real today. Will I, in time?’

I thought about the Quarkbeast and the Transient Moose, both of whom had a personality, despite being little more than a spell.

‘Whether biologically or wizidrically based, it makes no difference. Once you care for others, and understand kindness, empathy and the value of friendship and selflessness, you’ve got what it takes to be human. Nothing else matters.’

‘Your word I will take for this.’

‘Do you have a name?’

‘I would like you to name me. I think you will be good at that.’

‘Blousie.’

‘I like that,’ said Blousie, ‘it is a good name. Do you want to hear a joke? I tell jokes well. It is about a family of balloons during a thunderstorm. I think you will laugh.’

‘Maybe later. For now just show me to my quarters.’

Jupiter and Beyond

My quarters were modelled on Zambini Towers with all the shabbiness included – water stains, peeling wallpaper and rickety furniture, I think to make me feel more at home. I had an entire floor to myself – the fifty-third storey – comprising sixteen rooms including library, gym, sitting room, reading room, den, workshop, two laboratories and six more empty rooms ‘to expand into’. I also had a walk-in observation chamber that was built on the outside of the tower, with a large semicircular viewing port the size of my car. There was a comfy armchair in the centre from where to sit and watch the heavens, something that even in my sullen and dejected mood rarely failed to entertain.

We’d been travelling for two weeks now, and the Quarkbeast conjoinment had taken place on the second day. I stayed in my quarters when it happened, as there was no pleasure in witnessing the Mighty Shandar elevate himself to the status of an immortal: ridiculously overblown acts of self-aggrandisement he could do on his own. The song of the Quarkbeast had echoed through the building when they recombined to liberate the 263 TeraShandars of pure wizidrical energy, and even with my pillow held tight to my ears, it still got inside me, and I wept, not for my Quarkbeast, but for all of them, and what this meant for Shandar, and his ambitions, and his unbridled, misused power. The Eye of Zoltar had done exactly what it was supposed to do: absorbed and then focused the raw wizidrical energy directly into Shandar’s body. Every cell of his being now coursed with energy, elevating him to a level of unheard-of power.

It didn’t stop him being a massive twat, though. I’d avoided him for a week afterwards. But even in the seventy-seven storeys of the tower this was tricky as he would often teleport in to where I happened to be, as if by accident, and want to talk about how terrific he was and how fantastic were his plans.

I’d be hard pressed to find a fortnight I enjoyed less.