The Last Continent

Man, Luggage and kangaroo piled through the hole into the cellar and ended in a heap against the opposite side.

There was a rumbling behind them and wizards and women were fired out into the cellar with some speed, several of them landing on Rincewind. Behind the wall, the rock groaned and creaked, expelling these alien things in what, Rincewind thought, was a geological chunder.

Something flew out of the hole and hit him on the ear, but this was only a minor problem compared to the meat pie, which came out trailing mushy peas and tomato sauce and hit him in the mouth.

It wasn't, actually, all that bad.

The ability to ask questions like 'Where am I and who is the "I" that is asking?' is one of the things that distinguishes mankind from, say, cuttlefish. The wizards from Unseen University, being perhaps the intellectual cream or certainly the cerebral yoghurt of their generation, passed through this stage within minutes. Wizards are very adept at certain ideas. One minute you're arguing over the shape of a duck's head and the next there are people telling you you've been inside a rock for thousands of years because time goes slower on the inside. This presents no great problem for a man who has found his way to the lavatory at Unseen University.

There were more important questions as they sat round the table in BU.

'Is there anything to eat?' said Ridcully.

'It's the middle of the night, sir.'

'You mean we missed dinner?'

'Thousands of years of dinners, Archchancellor.'

'Really? Better start catching up, then, Mister Stibbons. Still... nice little place you've got here... archchancellor.'

Ridcully pronounced the word very carefully in order to accentuate the lower case 'a'.

Archchancellor Rincewind gave him a fraternal nod. 'Thank you.'

'For a colony, of course. I daresay you do your best.'

'Why, thank you, Mustrum. I'd be happy to show you our tower later on.'

'It does look rather small.'

'So people say.'

'Rincewind, Rincewind... name rings a faint bell...' said Ridcully.

'We came looking for Rincewind, Archchancellor,' said Ponder, patiently.

'Is he? Done well for himself, then. Fresh air made a man of him, I see.'

'No, sir. Ours is the skinny one with the bad beard and the floppy hat, sir. You remember? The one sitting over there.'

Rincewind raised a hand diffidently. 'Er. Me,' he said.

Ridcully sniffed. 'Fair enough. What's that thing you're playing with, man?'

Rincewind held up the bullroarer. 'It came with you out of the cave,' he said. 'What were you doing with it?'

'Oh, some toy the Librarian found,' said Ponder.

'All sorted out, then,' said Ridcully. 'I say, this beer's good, isn't it? Very drinkable. Yes, I'm sure there's a lot we can learn from one another, archchancellor. You from us rather more than us from you, of course. Perhaps we could set up a student exchange, that sort of thing?'

'Good idea.'

'You can have six of mine in exchange for a decent lawnmower. Ours has broken.'

'The Arch— the archchancellor is trying to say that getting back might be rather hard, sir,' said Ponder. 'Apparently things ought to have changed now we're here. But they haven't.'

'Your Rincewind seemed to think that bringing you blokes here would make it rain,' said Bill. 'But it hasn't.'

... whumm...

'Oh, do stop playing with that thing, Rincewind,' said Ridcully. 'Well... Bill, it's obvious, isn't it? As more experienced wizards than you, we naturally know plenty of ways of making it rain. No problem there.'

... whumm...

'Look, lad, take that thing outside, will you?'

The Librarian was sitting at the top of the tin tower, with a leaf over his head.

'Something odd, see?' said Rincewind, dangling the bullroarer from its string. 'I've only got to wiggle my hand a bit and it swings right round.'

'... ook...'

The Librarian sneezed.

'... awk...'

'Er... now you're some sort of large bird...' said Rincewind. 'You are in a bad way, aren't you? Still, once I tell them your name...'

The Librarian changed shape and moved fast. There was a very short period of time in which a lot happened.

'Ah,' said Rincewind calmly when it seemed to be over. 'Well, let us start with what we know. I can't see. The reason I can't see is that my robe is hanging over my eyes. From this I can deduce that I am upside down. You are gripping my ankles. Correction, one ankle, so obviously you are holding me upside down. We are at the top of the tower. This means...'

He fell silent.

'All right, let's start again,' he said. 'Let's start by me not telling anyone your name.'

The Librarian let go.

Rincewind dropped a few inches on to the planks of the tower.

'You know, that was a really mean trick you just did,' he said.

'Ook.'

'We'll say no more about it, shall we?'