The Light Fantastic

‘Oh no,’ said Twoflower hurriedly. It tells you where to look for them. I can remember the pictures now.’ A dreamy look came over his face, and Rincewind groaned inwardly. There was even a special fairy that came and took your teeth away.’

‘What, came and pulled out your actual teeth—?’

‘No, no, you’re wrong, I mean after they’d fallen out, what you did was, you put the tooth under your pillow and the fairy came and took it away and left a rhinu piece.’

‘Why?’

‘Why what?’

‘Why did it collect teeth?’

‘It just did.’

Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle made of teeth. It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget. Unsuccessfully.

‘Urgh,’ he said.

Red hats! He wondered whether to enlighten the tourist about what life was really like when a frog was a good meal, a rabbit hole a useful place to shelter out of the rain, and an owl a drifting, silent terror in the night. Moleskin trousers sounded quaint unless you personally had to remove them from their original owner when the vicious little sod was cornered in his burrow. As for red hats, anyone who went around a forest looking bright nd conspicuous would only do so very, very briefly.

He wanted to say: look, the life of gnomes and goblins is nasty, brutish and short. So are they.

He wanted to say all this, and couldn’t. For a man with an itch to see the whole of infinity, Twoflower never actually moved outside his own head. Telling him the truth would be like kicking a spaniel.

‘Swee whee weedle wheet,’ said a voice by his foot. He looked down. The gnome, who had introduced himself as Swires, looked up. Rincewind had a very good ear for languages. The gnome had just said, ‘I’ve got some newt sorbet left over from yesterday.’

‘Sounds wonderful,’ said Rincewind.

Swires gave him another prod in the ankle.

‘The other bigger, is he all right?’ he said solicitously.

‘He’s just suffering from reality shock,’ said Rincewind. You haven’t got a red hat, by any chance?’

‘Wheet?’

‘Just a thought.’

‘I know where there’s some food for biggers,’ said the gnome, ‘and shelter, too. It’s not far.’

Rincewind looked at the lowering sky. The daylight was draining out of the landscape and the clouds looked as if they had heard about snow and were considering the idea. Of course, people who lived in mushrooms couldn’t necessarily be trusted, but right now a trap baited with a hot meal and clean sheets would have had the wizard hammering to get in.

They set off. After a few seconds the Luggage got carefully to its feet and started to follow.

‘Psst!’

It turned carefully, little legs moving in a complicated pattern, and appeared to look up.

‘Is it good, being joinery?’ said the tree, anxiously. ‘Did it hurt?’

The Luggage seemed to think about this. Every brass handle, every knothole, radiated extreme concentration.

Then it shrugged its lid and waddled away.

The tree sighed, and shook a few dead leaves out of its twigs.

The cottage was small, tumbledown and as ornate as a doily. Some mad whittler had got to work on it, Rincewind decided, and had created terrible havoc before he could be dragged away. Every door, every shutter had its clusters of wooden grapes and half-moon cutouts, and there were massed outbreaks of fretwork pinecones all over the walls. He half expected a giant cuckoo to come hurtling out of an upper window.

What he also noticed was the characteristic greasy feel in the air. Tiny green and purple sparks flashed from his fingernails.

‘Strong magical field,’ he muttered. ‘A hundred milli-thaums [2] at least.’

‘There’s magic all over the place,’ said Swires. ‘An old witch used to live around here. She went a long time ago but the magic still keeps the house going.’

‘Here, there’s something odd about that door,’ said Twoflower.

Why should a house need magic to keep it going?’ said Rincewind. Twoflower touched a wall gingerly.

‘It’s all sticky!’

‘Nougat,’ said Swires.

‘Good grief! A real gingerbread cottage! Rincewind, a real—’

Rincewind nodded glumly. Yeah, the Confectionary School of Architecture,’ he said. ‘It never caught on.’

He looked suspiciously at the liquorice doorknocker.

‘It sort of regenerates,’ said Swires. ‘Marvellous, really. You just don’t get this sort of place nowadays, you just an’t get the gingerbread.’

‘Really?’ said Rincewind, gloomily.

‘Come on in,’ said the gnome, ‘but mind the doormat.

‘Why?’

‘Candyfloss.’

The great Disc spun slowly under its toiling sun, and daylight pooled in hollows and finally drained away as night fell.