CHAPTER I 5. Nikanor Ivanovich's Dream
It is not difficult to guess that the fat man with the purplephysiognomy who was put in room 119 of the clinic was Nikanor IvanovichBosoy. He got to Professor Stravinsky not at once, however, but after firstvisiting another place.' Of this other place little remained in NikanorIvanovich's memory. He recalled only a desk, a bookcase and a sofa. There a conversation was held with Nikanor Ivanovich, who had some sortof haze before his eyes from the rush of blood and mental agitation, but theconversation came out somehow strange, muddled, or, better to say, did notcome out at all. The very first question put to Nikanor Ivanovich was the following: 'Are you Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy, chairman of the house committee atno.502-bis on Sadovaya Street?' To this Nikanor Ivanovich, bursting into terrible laughter, repliedliterally thus: 'I'm Nikanor, of course I'm Nikanor! But what the deuce kind ofchairman am I?' 'Meaning what?' the question was asked with a narrowing of eyes. 'Meaning,' he replied, 'that if I was chairman, I should havedetermined at once that he was an unclean power! Otherwise -- what is it? Acracked pince-nez, all in rags ... what kind of foreigner's interpretercould he be?' 'Who are you talking about?' Nikanor Ivanovich was asked. 'Koroviev!' Nikanor Ivanovich cried out. 'Got himself lodged in ourapartment number fifty. Write it down - Koroviev! He must be caught at once.Write it down - the sixth entrance. He's there.' 'Where did you get the currency?' Nikanor Ivanovich was asked soulfully. 'As God is true, as God is almighty,' Nikanor Ivanovich began, Tie seeseverything, and it serves me right. I never laid a finger on it, never evensuspected what it was, this currency! God is punishing me for my iniquity,'Nikanor Ivanovich went on with feeling, now buttoning, now unbuttoning hisshirt, now crossing himself. 'I took! I took, but I took ours. Soviet money!I'd register people for money, I don't argue, it happened. Our secretaryBedsornev is a good one, too, another good one! Frankly speaking, there'snothing but thieves in the house management . . . But I never tookcurrency!' To the request that he stop playing the fool and tell how the dollarsgot into the ventilation, Nikanor Ivanovich went on his knees and swayed,opening his mouth as if he meant to swallow a section of the parquet. 'If you want,' he mumbled, 'I'll eat dirt that I didn't do it! AndKoroviev -- he's the devil!' All patience has its limits, and the voice at the desk was now raised,hinting to Nikanor Ivanovich that it was time he began speaking in humanlanguage. Here the room with that same sofa resounded with Nikanor Ivanovich'swild roaring, as he jumped up from his knees: 'There he is! There, behind the bookcase! He's grinning! And hispince-nez . . . Hold him! Spray the room with holy water!' The blood left Nikanor Ivanovich's face. Trembling, he made crosses inthe air, rushing to the door and back, intoned some prayer, and finallybegan spouting sheer gibberish. It became perfectly clear that Nikanor Ivanovich was unfit for anyconversation. He was taken out and put in a separate room, where he calmeddown somewhat and only prayed and sobbed. They did, of course, go to Sadovaya and visit apartment no.50. But theydid not find any Koroviev there, and no one in the house either knew or hadseen any Koroviev. The apartment occupied by the late Berlioz, as well as bythe Yalta-visiting Likhodeev, was empty, and in the study wax seals hungpeacefully on the bookcases, unbroken by anyone. With that they leftSadovaya, and there also departed with them the perplexed and dispiritedsecretary of the house management, Bedsornev. In the evening Nikanor Ivanovich was delivered to Stravinsky's clinic.There he became so agitated that an injection, made according toStravinsky's recipe, had to be given him, and only after midnight didNikanor Ivanovich fall asleep in room 119, every now and then emitting aheavy, painful moan. But the longer he slept, the easier his sleep became. He stoppedtossing and groaning, his breathing became easy and regular, and he was leftalone. Then Nikanor Ivanovich was visited by a dream, at the basis of whichundoubtedly lay the experience of that day. It began with Nikanor Ivanovichseeing as it were some people with golden trumpets in their hands leadinghim, and very solemnly, to a big lacquered door. At this door his companionsplayed as it were a nourish for Nikanor Ivanovich, and then from the sky aresounding bass said merrily: 'Welcome, Nikanor Ivanovich, turn over your currency!' Exceedingly astonished, Nikanor Ivanovich saw a black loudspeaker abovehim. Then he found himself for some reason in a theatre house, where crystalchandeliers blazed under a gilded ceiling and Quinquet lamps[2]on the walls. Everything was as it ought to be in a small-sized butvery costly theatre. There was a stage closed off by a velvet curtain, itsdark cerise background spangled, as if with stars, with oversized goldpieces, there was a prompter's box, and there was even an audience. What surprised Nikanor Ivanovich was that this audience was all of thesame sex - male - and all for some reason bearded. Besides that, it wasstriking that there were no seats in the theatre, and the audience was allsitting on the floor, splendidly polished and slippery. Abashed in this new and big company, Nikanor Ivanovich, after a briefhesitation, followed the general example and sat down on the parquetTurkish-fashion, huddled between some stalwart, bearded redhead and anothercitizen, pale and quite overgrown. None of the sitters paid any attention tothe newly arrived spectator. Here the soft ringing of a bell was heard, the lights in the house wentout, and the curtain opened to reveal a lighted stage with an armchair, alittle table on which stood a golden bell, and a solid black velvetbackdrop. An artiste came out from the wings in an evening jacket, smoothlyshaven, his hair neatly parted, young and with very pleasant features. Theaudience in the house livened up, and everyone turned towards the stage. Theartiste advanced to the prompter's box and rubbed his hands. 'All sitting?'[3] he asked in a soft baritone and smiled tothe house. 'Sitting, sitting,' a chorus of tenors and basses answered fromthe house. 'Hm .. .' the artiste began pensively, 'and how you're not sick of it.I just don't understand! Everybody else is out walking around now, enjoyingthe spring sun and the warmth, and you're stuck in here on the floor of astuffy theatre! Is the programme so interesting? Tastes differ, however,'the artiste concluded philosophically. Then he changed both the timbre of his voice and its intonation, andannounced gaily and resoundingly: 'And now for the next number on our programme -- Nikanor IvanovichBosoy, chairman of a house committee and director of a dietetic kitchen.Nikanor Ivanovich, on-stage!' General applause greeted the artiste. The surprised Nikanor Ivanovichgoggled his eyes, while the master of ceremonies, blocking the glare of thefootlights with his hand, located him among the sitters and tenderlybeckoned him on-stage with his finger. And Nikanor Ivanovich, withoutknowing how, found himself on-stage. Beams of coloured light struck his eyesfrom in front and below, which at once caused the house and the audience tosink into darkness. 'Well, Nikanor Ivanovich, set us a good example, sir,' the youngartiste said soulfully, 'turn over your currency.' Silence ensued. Nikanor Ivanovich took a deep breath and quiedy beganto speak: 'I swear to God that I...' But before he had time to get the words out, the whole house burst intoshouts of indignation. Nikanor Ivanovich got confused and fell silent. 'As far as I understand you,' said the programme announcer, 'you wantedto swear to God that you haven't got any currency?', and he gazedsympathetically at Nikanor Ivanovich. 'Exactly right, I haven't,' replied Nikanor Ivanovich. 'Right,' responded the artiste, 'and . . . excuse the indiscretion,where did the four hundred dollars that were found in the privy of theapartment of which you and your wife are the sole inhabitants come from?' 'Magic!' someone in the dark house said with obvious irony. 'Exactly right -- magic,' Nikanor Ivanovich timidly replied, vaguelyaddressing either the artiste or the dark house, and he explained: 'Unclean powers, the checkered interpreter stuck me with them.' And again the house raised an indignant roar. When silence came, theartiste said: 'See what La Fontaine fables I have to listen to! Stuck him with fourhundred dollars! Now, all of you here are currency dealers, so I address youas experts: is that conceivable?' We're not currency dealers,' various offended voices came from thetheatre, 'but, no, it's not conceivable!' 'I'm entirely of the same mind,' the artiste said firmly, 'and let meask you: what is it that one can be stuck with?' 'A baby!' someone cried from the house. 'Absolutely correct,' the programme announcer confirmed, 'a baby, ananonymous letter, a tract, an infernal machine, anything else, but no onewill stick you with four hundred dollars, for such idiots don't exist innature.' And turning to Nikanor Ivanovich, the artiste added reproachfullyand sorrowfully: 'You've upset me, Nikanor Ivanovich, and I was counting onyou. So, our number didn't come off.' Whistles came from the house, addressed to Nikanor Ivanovich. 'He's a currency dealer,' they shouted from the house, 'and we innocentones have to suffer for the likes of him!' 'Don't scold him,' the master of ceremonies said softly, 'he'llrepent.' And turning to Nikanor Ivanovich, his blue eyes filled with tears,he added: 'Well, Nikanor Ivanovich, you may go to your place.' After that the artiste rang the bell and announced loudly: 'Intermission, you blackguards!' The shaken Nikanor Ivanovich, who unexpectedly for himself had become aparticipant in some sort of theatre programme, again found himself in hisplace on the floor. Here he dreamed that the house was plunged in totaldarkness, and fiery red words leaped out on the walls: Turn over your currency!' Then the curtain opened again and the masterof ceremonies invited: 'I call Sergei Gerardovich Dunchil to the stage.' Dunchil turned out to be a fine-looking but rather unkempt man of aboutfifty. 'Sergei Gerardovich,' the master of ceremonies addressed him, 'you'vebeen sitting here for a month and a half now, stubbornly refusing to turnover the currency you still have, while the country is in need of it, andyou have no use for it whatsoever. And still you persist. You're anintelligent man, you understand it all perfectly well, and yet you don'twant to comply with me.' To my regret, there is nothing I can do, since I have no morecurrency,' Dunchil calmly replied. 'Don't you at least have some diamonds?' asked the artiste. 'Nodiamonds either.' The artiste hung his head and pondered, then clapped his hands. Amiddle-aged lady came out from the wings, fashionably dressed -- that is, ina collarless coat and a tiny hat. The lady looked worried, but Dunchilglanced at her without moving an eyebrow. 'Who is this lady?' the programme announcer asked Dunchil. 'That is mywife,' Dunchil replied with dignity and looked at the lady's long neck witha certain repugnance. We have troubled you, Madame Dunchil,' the master of ceremoniesadverted to the lady, 'with regard to the following: we wanted to ask you,does your husband have any more currency?' 'He turned it all over the other time,' Madame Dunchil repliednervously. 'Right,' said the artiste, 'well, then, if it's so, it's so. If heturned it all over, then we ought to part with Sergei Gerardovichimmediately, there's nothing else to do! If you wish, Sergei Gerardovich,you may leave the theatre.' And the artiste made a regal gesture. Dunchil turned calmly and with dignity, and headed for the wings. 'Justa moment!' the master of ceremonies stopped him. 'Allow me on parting toshow you one more number from our programme.' And again he clapped hishands. The black backdrop parted, and on to the stage came a young beauty in aball gown, holding in her hands a golden tray on which lay a fat wad tiedwith candy-box ribbon and a diamond necklace from which blue, yellow and redfire leaped in all directions. Dunchil took a step back and his face went pale. The house froze.'Eighteen thousand dollars and a necklace worth forty thousand in gold,' theartiste solemnly announced, 'kept by Sergei Gerardovich in the city ofKharkov, in the apartment of his mistress, Ida Herkulanovna Vors, whom wehave the pleasure of seeing here before us and who so kindly helped indiscovering these treasures -- priceless, vet useless in the hands of aprivate person. Many thanks, Ida Herkulanovna!' The beauty smiled, flashing her teeth, and her lush eyelashesfluttered. 'And under your so very dignified mask,' the artiste adverted toDunchil, 'is concealed a greedy spider and an astonishing bamboozler andliar. You wore everyone out during this month and a half with your dullobstinacy. Go home now, and let the hell your wife sets up for you be yourpunishment.' Dunchil swayed and, it seems, wanted to fall down, but was held up bysomeone's sympathetic hands. Here the front curtain dropped and concealedall those on-stage. Furious applause shook the house, so much so that Nikanor Ivano-vichfancied the lights were leaping in the chandeLers. When the front curtainwent up, there was no one on-stage except the lone artiste. Greeted with asecond burst of applause, he bowed and began to speak: 'In the person of this Dunchil, our programme has shown you a typicalass. I did have the pleasure of saying yesterday that the concealing ofcurrency is senseless. No one can make use of it under any circumstances, Iassure you. Let's take this same Dunchil. He gets a splendid salary anddoesn't want for anything. He has a splendid apartment, a wife and abeautiful mistress. But no, instead of living quietly and peacefully withoutany troubles, having turned over the currency and stones, this mercenaryblockhead gets himself exposed in front of everybody, and to top it offcontracts major family trouble. So, who's going to turn over? Anyvolunteers? In that case, for the next number on our programme, a famousdramatic talent, the actor Kurolesov, Sawa Potapovich, especially invitedhere, will perform excerpts from