CHAPTER 1. Never Talk with Strangers
At the hour of the hot spring sunset two citizens appeared at thePatriarch's Ponds. One of them, approximately forty years old, dressed in agrey summer suit, was short, dark-haired, plump, bald, and carried hisrespectable fedora hat in his hand. His neady shaven face was adorned withblack horn-rimmed glasses of a supernatural size. The odier, abroad-shouldered young man with tousled reddish hair, his checkered capcocked back on his head, was wearing a cowboy shirt, wrinkled white trousersand black sneakers. The first was none other than Mikhail AlexandrovichBerlioz,[2] editor of a fat literary journal and chairman of theboard of one of the major Moscow literary associations, calledMassolit[3] for short, and his young companion was the poet IvanNikolaevich Ponyrev, who wrote under the pseudonym ofHomeless.[4] Once in the shade of the barely greening lindens, the writers dashedfirst thing to a brighdy painted stand with the sign: 'Beer and SoftDrinks.' Ah, yes, note must be made of the first oddity of this dreadful Mayevening. There was not a single person to be seen, not only by the stand,but also along the whole walk parallel to Malaya Bronnaya Street. At thathour when it seemed no longer possible to breathe, when the sun, havingscorched Moscow, was collapsing in a dry haze somewhere beyond SadovoyeRing, no one came under the lindens, no one sat on a bench, the walk wasempty. 'Give us seltzer,' Berlioz asked. 'There is no seltzer,' die woman in the stand said, and for some reasonbecame offended. 'Is there beer?' Homeless inquired in a rasping voice. 'Beer'll be delivered towards evening,' the woman replied. 'Then what is there?' asked Berlioz. 'Apricot soda, only warm,' said the woman. 'Well, let's have it, let's have it! . . .' The soda produced an abundance of yellow foam, and the air began tosmell of a barber-shop. Having finished drinking, the writers immediatelystarted to hiccup, paid, and sat down on a bench face to the pond and backto Bronnaya. Here the second oddity occurred, touching Berlioz alone. He suddenlystopped hiccuping, his heart gave a thump and dropped away somewhere for aninstant, then came back, but with a blunt needle lodged in it. Besides that,Berlioz was gripped by fear, groundless, yet so strong that he wanted toflee the Ponds at once without looking back. Berlioz looked around in anguish, not understanding what had frightenedhim. He paled, wiped his forehead with a handkerchief, thought: "What's the matter with me? This has never happened before. My heart'sacting up ... I'm overworked . .. Maybe it's time to send it all to thedevil and go to Kislovodsk . . .'[5] And here the sweltering air thickened before him, and a transparentcitizen of the strangest appearance wove himself out of it. A peakedjockey's cap on his little head, a short checkered jacket also made of air... A citizen seven feet tall, but narrow in the shoulders, unbelievablythin, and, kindly note, with a jeering physiognomy. The life of Berlioz had taken such a course that he was unaccustomed toextraordinary phenomena. Turning paler still, he goggled his eyes andthought in consternation: 'This can't be! . . .' But, alas, it was, and the long, see-through citizen was swaying beforehim to the left and to the right without touching the ground. Here terror took such possession of Berlioz that he shut his eyes. Whenhe opened them again, he saw that it was all over, the phantasm haddissolved, the checkered one had vanished, and with that the blunt needlehad popped out of his heart. 'Pah, the devil!' exclaimed the editor. 'YOU know, Ivan, I nearly hadheatstroke just now! There was even something like a hallucination . ..' Heattempted to smile, but alarm still jumped in his eyes and his handstrembled. However, he gradually calmed down, fanned himself with hishandkerchief and, having said rather cheerfully: 'Well, and so . . .', wenton with the conversation interrupted by their soda-drinking. This conversation, as was learned afterwards, was about Jesus Christ.The thing was that the editor had commissioned from the poet a longanti-religious poem for the next issue of his journal. Ivan Nikolaevich hadwritten this poem, and in a very short time, but unfortunately the editorwas not at all satisfied with it. Homeless had portrayed the main characterof his poem - that is, Jesus - in very dark colours, but nevertheless thewhole poem, in the editor's opinion, had to be written over again. And sothe editor was now giving the poet something of a lecture on Jesus, with theaim of underscoring the poet's essential error. It is hard to say what precisely had let Ivan Nikolaevich down - thedescriptive powers of his talent or a total unfamiliarity with the questionhe was writing about - but his Jesus came out, well, completely alive, theonce-existing Jesus, though, true, a Jesus furnished with all negativefeatures. Now, Berlioz wanted to prove to the poet that the main thing was nothow Jesus was, good or bad, but that this same Jesus, as a person, simplynever existed in the world, and all the stories about him were mere fiction,the most ordinary mythology. It must be noted that the editor was a well-read man and in hisconversation very skilfully pointed to ancient historians - for instance,the famous Philo of Alexandria[6] and the brilliantly educatedFlavius Josephus[7] - who never said a word about the existenceof Jesus. Displaying a solid erudition, Mikhail Alexandrovich also informedthe poet, among other things, that the passage in the fifteenth book ofTacitus's famous